Overcoming jealousy is like changing any emotional reaction or behavior. It begins with awareness. Awareness allows you to see that the projected stories in your mind are not true. When you have this clarity you no longer react to the scenarios that your mind imagines. Jealousy and anger are emotional reactions to believing scenarios in your mind that are not true. By changing what you believe you change what your imagination is projecting and you can eliminate these destructive emotional reactions. Even when there is justification for the reaction, jealousy and anger are not beneficial ways to deal with the situation and get what we want.
Trying to change anger or jealousy once you are in the emotion is like trying to control a car skidding on ice. Your ability to handle the situation is greatly improved if you can steer clear of the hazard before we get there. This means addressing the beliefs that trigger jealousy instead of attempting to control your emotions.
To permanently dissolve the emotions such as anger and jealousy in relationships means changing the core beliefs of insecurity and mental projections of what your partner is doing.
There are a number of elements that create the dynamic of jealousy. As such, effective solutions will have to address multiple elements of beliefs, point of view, emotions, and personal will power. If you miss one or more of these elements you leave the door open for those destructive emotions and behaviors to return.
By practicing a few simple exercises you can step back from the story your mind is projecting and refrain from the emotional reaction. If you really have the desire to change your emotions and behavior you can do it. It just takes the willingness to learn effective skills. You will find effective exercises and practices to overcoming the emotional reaction of jealousy in the Self Mastery Audio Program. The first few sessions are free.
One of the steps to changing a behavior is to see how we actually create the emotion of anger or jealousy from the images, beliefs, and assumptions, in our mind. This step not only allows us to take responsibility, but taking responsibility for our emotions also puts us in a position of power to change them.
If you are in a relationship with a jealous partner, and they want you to change your behavior to prevent the jealousy then they are not taking responsibility. If they say things like "If you wouldn't _____ then I wouldn't react this way." That type of language flags an attitude of powerlessness and an attempt to control your behavior with a deal.
For the illustration I’ll use a man as the jealous partner. I refer to various images in the mind and you can use the diagram below for reference, or see the Relationship Matrix page for a more detailed description of these images.
It starts with a man feeling insecure about himself. Insecurity comes from his False Hidden Image of being “not good enough”. With the belief that this false image is him, rather than an image in his mind, the man creates self rejection in his mind. The emotional result of self rejection is a feeling of unworthiness, insecurity, fear, and unhappiness.
The Hidden Image beliefs become the triggers of unhappiness while the Projected Image triggers more pleasant emotions. It is important to note that both images are false. Both images are in the man's mind and neither one is really him. He is the one that is creating and reacting to the images in his imagination. He is not an image in his imagination.
The man’s mind associates the Projected Image with qualities women are attracted to. Often the qualities are considered positive as a result of the assumption that women are attracted to them. When the man gets attention from a woman he associates himself with the Projected Image rather than the “Not Good Enough” image. The strengthened belief in the Projected Image results in more self acceptance, love, and happiness in his emotional state.
It is the man’s action of acceptance and love that changes his emotional state. It is not the image, or the woman’s attention that change his emotion. These are only triggers that activate the man’s mind towards certain beliefs, self acceptance, and love.
The man’s mind often makes the false assumption that “she makes him happy” or that he “needs” her to be happy. It only appears this way because he is noticing the woman's relationship to his emotional state. Often the man doesn't realize that she is just an emotional trigger for his mind to express love. He may not have formed other triggers for expressing his own acceptance and love so he is dependent on a woman for a trigger. When the man recognizes that she is only a trigger and his role of expressing acceptance and love is what changes his emotional state, then the man doesn't "need" his partner in order to be happy.
The man’s conflicting False Images might look like this in his mind.
Without her attention, his Hidden Image beliefs become active. His point of view about himself also moves into perceiving from this “not good enough” state. His emotion of unworthiness and unhappiness follows his paradigm of beliefs and point of view.
The man attempts to get and control the woman’s attention so that the Projected Image beliefs are active. He works to “activate” her “trigger” to support his Projected Image beliefs. It is the mechanism he knows for avoiding his emotionally unpleasant Hidden Image beliefs. He is not aware that it is the expression of love and acceptance that is the means to change his emotional state.
The jealous man uses anger towards his partner in order to get and control her attention. Anger also works as a punishment with the result of inflicting emotional pain on the woman. By punishing the woman with anger the woman may change her behavior in order to avoid emotional punishment in the future.
The man’s use of anger may not be his preferred choice. But his behavior of anger is the result of a false belief paradigm. The man may “know” differently at the level of his intellect, but his behavior is based in the false beliefs and Hidden Image that push his emotions.
The man plays over in his mind the behavior of anger and control. However, now it is reviewed from the view point of the Inner Judge in his mind. The Inner Judge does the analysis and condemns him. The Inner Judge specifically holds up the Projected Image and then points out that “he failed” to live up to that standard. Based on the Projected Image standard he can only conclude he is a failure and not good enough. .
The anger incident, when viewed by the Inner Judge is “evidence” that he is actually the person that fits the Hidden Image description. Accepting and believing this judgment, results in the man feeling unworthy, guilt, and shame. The belief, emotion, and point of view of the Hidden Image character is reinforced
The Inner Judge does not give the man a fair trial. It is a hanging Judge. The Inner judge does not assess the role of the Belief System, False Images, or the Point of View. The man is at the mercy of forces in his mind that he has not been trained to see and deal with. With awareness of these forces and some specific practice he can begin to get control over his emotional state.
The man is looking for a solution, and in this paradigm of unworthiness, the solution looks like he should become the “Projected Image.” If he can become the confident, strong, kind, and loving person he “knows” he is, then he will like himself and the woman will love him and everything will be fine. He does not see that the Projected Image is formed in his imagination.
2. Even when the man pulls off being the perfect Projected Image, the Hidden Image beliefs will have part of him feeling like a fraud. According to the Hidden image beliefs he is not really “Perfect” and he is not “Worthy.” He will feel inauthentic because of these conflicting beliefs. The feeling of being a fraud often happens when his successes are being praised by others. The more success and recognition he receives that fits the Projected Image, the more pronounced the Hidden Image push up doubts in his mind.
He can not be in Emotional Integrity as long as he associates his identity with one or more conflicting images in his mind.
3. The man’s efforts at controlling his emotion will have him continually on guard against an outburst of jealousy and anger. This “on guard” feeling is born out of fear that at any moment he may fall and emotion will overtake his attention. This feeling of fear not only wears on a person, but represses emotion and doesn’t allow for feeling authentic Love and Happiness.
4. Building strong positive beliefs and a positive self image can help to diminish the reaction side, but to a limited extent. It is a patch that can help for some but still bases identity in a false image and not in authenticity and integrity. It does not do anything to address the emotions that come from the Hidden Images or beliefs of unworthiness that are at the core of the behavior. These often become buried in the sub-conscious and resurface later during times of stress when they are most destructive, and we are least able to deal with them.
His behavior is not driven by thinking, logic or intellectual knowing. Therefore it can not be changed by these modalities. It is driven by Beliefs, False Images, Point of View, and Emotion. If we are to change our behavior, we must address these fundamental elements in a manner different than plain intellect and logic. Why use an approach different than intellect and logic? The Inner Judge will use intellect and logic to create judgments and reinforce the existing false beliefs.
If you have enough desire to change a jealous and angry behavior you will eventually have to do more than study the problem. You will have to take action. I suggest beginning with the free audio sessions. Listen to the information and practice the exercises for a few days each and see what you learn. You can sign up for free. No credit card information is necessary.
Overcoming Insecurity and Low Self Esteem - How the Image of perfection creates this emotion and simple beginning steps to change.