Overcoming Insecurity and Low Self Esteem
The Relationship Course
Buy the Book: MindWorks
A Practical Guide for Changing Thoughts, Beliefs, and Emotional Reactions
A guide through the Self Mastery Course by Gary van Warmerdam
Real Self Confidence and Esteem is based in emotion, not a self image
To build self confidence and overcome low self esteem is to change how we feel emotionally about ourselves. To change our emotion requires changing two different core beliefs about self image. The first core belief is obvious. It is the belief that we are not good enough. It may have a more specific association to how we look, how smart we are, money, or lack of confidence sexually. The second core belief to change is the image of success that we feel we should be. Changing this belief is contrary to logic, but is a must if we are to overcome insecurity and raise our self esteem.
False Self Image of Perfection Cause of Low Self Esteem and Lack of Confidence
When your mind has an image of success that you "should be" it associates happy emotions with that picture. I call that the image of perfection in our mind. The mind does a comparison between the image of perfection and how you see your self image currently. The comparison results in judgment and self rejection for not meeting the image of perfection. The self rejection results in feeling unworthy and of low self esteem
While the image of perfection appears to be a way for us to feel good about ourselves, it is actually causing us to reject ourselves which creates feelings of "not being good enough." If you were to dissolve the belief that you should fit into the image of perfection you would eliminate the self rejection and feelings of unworthiness that result.
Finding and breaking my own "I'm not good enough" story. (mp3 28min)
Feelings of confidence and security means no self rejection.
The approach of dissolving our image of perfection sounds contrary to our sense of logic about building confidence and esteem. This is because we have the belief that achieving the image of perfection will result in positive happy emotions and feeling confident with our success. Our mind has actually been programmed to have these emotional associations. We desire to feel these feelings and chase the image of perfection we have attached to them.
What we may not be aware of is that achieving our image of success doesn’t effectively change our emotional state. It doesn't do anything to permanently change the way the voice in our head speaks to us or what we believe about ourselves. Many times people have achieved their goals only to find themselves still unfulfilled. Your emotional state may briefly change in the euphoria if the immediate success. But the core belief of not being good enough and your long term habit of self rejection in the mind hasn’t been altered. The critical voice in our head is more likely to put a higher goal in front of us to achieve. I was talking with a woman who competed on the US Olympic Ski team several years back. She described feeling like a failure because she was only ranked about 10th in the world. It’s okay to have high goals, but you don’t have to make your love and self acceptance dependent on them.
Change What You Believe and You Change How You Feel Emotionally
The second belief to dissolve is that we are inadequate and somehow not good enough. These are the beliefs that create emotions of insecurity and fear. The emotions are not the problem they are just the resulting symptom of negative core beliefs. The "not good enough" image is a construct of our imagination. It is a belief about ourselves created by the mind concluding that we are "not good enough to meet the image of perfection." A step to changing this belief is to recognize that we the one observing the "self" image. We can not be the “self” image we are looking at. We are the one doing the looking. This means the “self image we create is really a “non self” image. With awareness we can decide to believe in the “non self” image or not believe in the “non self” image. Having this awareness helps shift our point of view and is a beginning step that will help us change a belief.
Changing the “not good enough” image is much easier once you have broken your belief in the image of perfection. Without the image of perfection you no longer have the comparison reinforcing the unworthy "self” image.
You Are Not an Image in Your Mind - You Create Them
Lack of awareness about how your mind misleads you can result in failed efforts to improve your confidence, and self esteem. Often people try to prop up their confidence with efforts to become their image of perfection. This great effort usually involves reinforcing the belief that we should be that fictional image. The result is a stronger mechanism for self rejection. With awareness we can avoid chasing these false beliefs and spend our time on what really makes a difference in the way we feel.
Real change in how you feel emotionally begins with becoming aware of the beliefs and thoughts in the mind. The second step is to change those core beliefs. Self Mastery Audio Sessions provide focused exercises to identify and change core beliefs. This in turn changes how you feel about your self. The first four audio coaching sessions are available for free.
If you can begin to change some of the smaller thoughts and emotions you have, then you can learn how to change the larger thoughts and emotions you experience. The next step is to sign up and listen and practice the Self Mastery Exercises.
Insecurity in Relationship blog post
What does the Image of Perfection look like? Take a peek at one woman's partial list of criteria that her inner judge was making her try to live up to. Even she found it ridiculous when she looked at it. But she didn't see it for what it was until she began to gain mastery over her mind. For a long time she only experienced the self condemning thoughts that were a reaction to those hidden beliefs.