When you ask this question to someone else,,, you are opening the door to giving away your personal power and creating a victim mindset.   This is a dangerous question to ask.  At the same time guidance can be helpful.

In the early stages of our personal development we ask many questions.  In the beginning the questions are general, unfocused, and many times harmful.  We aren’t aware of how powerful a question can be at controlling our attention and occupying our mind with very limited ways of thinking.  Usually we are in a unhappy or confused state when we ask these types of questions.  And the types of questions that arise from this mind set act to reinforce the very emotions we are trying to get out of.       

What are some better questions to ask?

What is the kind thing to do?
What is the respectful thing to do?
What is the compassionate thing to do?
What do I not want?
How will I treat myself?
How will I treat others?
How do I want to feel?

Learning to ask better questions is a skill.  Like any skill it can take time.  However the more we are aware of the questions we ask, the less automatic they are.  The more aware of each question our mind asks, and the automated way our imagination and emotions respond the better we will get at asking questions.

The most common of beginner question is, “What should I do?”   Why is this such a poor question to ask when we are wrapped up in emotional issues?  That question can lead us back into the same negative belief structure that asked it.

The question implies or assumes that there is a particularly “right” answer.  Whenever we are looking for the “right” answer our mind flips into a mode of duality and looks at things in a right/wrong split.  All answers that are not the “right” answer are classified as wrong.  There can be one thousand wrong.  You can imagine a poor outcome with any action you take thereby making the action appear wrong.  All of these with any possible negative outcome are classified as “wrong.”  It is assumed that the “right” or “should” action will result in everything being right and everyone being happy.  It’s a very high standard of perfection that is implied when we use the word “should” or “right.”  

This very high, and often unreasonable expectation sets us up for feeling like a failure.

Having an image of perfection or an expectation in and of itself isn’t the really bad part.  It could even be good when it motivates us to take action or inspire creativity.   The bad part is that the mental construct of an image of perfection sets you up for two rounds of self judgment.

Once you adopt this mental construct of what you “should” do, you also build a self image of the kind of person you should be.  So now there are two images of perfection.  One is of the action that leads to the perfect outcome.  The second image of perfection is more personal. It is of who you should be.  There can be more perfection images in the mind such as, how everyone else should feel, that can complicate this even further, but lets keep it simple for now.

With these two imaginary images the voice of the inner judge now has two concepts it can use for comparison.  With its typical method of comparison there can only be two outcomes.  The best outcome possible is that you meet the expectations of your belief system.  No praise here.  All you did was what was expected of you.  With your greatest effort you broke even by meeting expectations of your belief system.

The second outcome isn’t that kind.  For any lesser action, even the emotional reactions of another person that you can’t control, the inner judge criticizes you.  “I could have (should have” done that differently.”  The second judgment follows the first.  If you didn’t succeed in achieving the image of perfection outcome then you failed.  If you failed, then that means you are a failure.  It’s a simple duality based conclusion the judge and victim voices in your head do automatically.  The result is self rejection in the form of a self judgment.

This self rejection happens in your own head and can be emotionally powerful.  When we are preoccupied trying to answer the question, “What should I do?” our attention is so wrapped up in the importance of figuring out the right thing to do that we don’t see this set up to self judgment.

Why is our attention so wrapped up with figuring out the “right” thing we “should” do?  Somewhere in our sub-conscious belief system we sense that the painful self judgment will come if we do things wrong.  We are afraid of the painful self judgment from our inner judge and we seek to avoid it.   We feel the pressure to get things “right” but don’t notice that much of the motivation is really about avoiding the pain of self judgment that is going to be generated in our imagination.

We feel the pressure from the voices in our head but don’t notice that this is just our imagination and belief system at work.  It usually takes a person a while to realize that this emotional self abuse is optional.   We are so used to self judgment by the time we are adults that we accept this as an unchangeable reality.  Then the only solution to avoid the punishment that we perceive is to get the answer “right.”   And “right” means perfect where everyone is satisfied.  Of course we don’t notice that this standard assumes that everyone will interpret the action and the outcome free from any judge and victim perspectives.  (not likely)

It can be very helpful to seek help, guidance, and support.  However we can help our self more when we are mindful of the questions we ask and how their underlying assumptions can be setting us up for self judgment.

Be Mindful When Asking for Help

I’m all for advice.  I like to pick the brains and perspective of seasoned individuals that have proven results in an area.  It can save us a lot of time in learning so we don’t have to figure everything out on our own.  What I am not in favor of is collecting of images of perfection that the inner judge uses as an expectation to measure our self worth.  The next time you ask someone, “What should I do?” take a moment to notice whether your inner judge might use their answer in a conspiracy of self-judgment against you.

Please don’t ask me to give you advice about what you “should” do.  I probably won’t answer you directly.  If I answer your question in the format you expect, then I am providing you with an image of a perfection for an outcome that may or may not be achievable.   You are asking an image of perfection that the inner judge can use.   I’m probably going to try to do you the favor of not feeding this structure of beliefs.  My answer might come back as a question or redirect your attention to looking at the situation differently.

Some people will have a reaction to this.  They will get upset because I haven’t answered directly.  They are so fixated on getting things “right” that they feel cheated when avoid the trap their belief system is making.   I know that person is upset because their only hope to avoid painful self judgment is to get the answer of what they “should” do.  And any delay in getting that answer has them slipping further into the jaws of the self judgment for getting it “wrong.”

I apologize for not answering directly.  But I’m not trying to satisfy your hope of getting things right.  I’m actually trying to save you from a much bigger problem. The bigger problem is that painful self judgment and the fear it creates drives the mind to believe that the “right” answer is the only hope.

Please don’t ask me to conspire with the trap your belief system creates with  self judgments.  At the same time, it is okay and even advisable in most situations to seek counsel and guidance.  Just do your best to be aware and avoid this trap of self judgment.

If you have another question,,, a better question,,, I might give a more direct answer.  Look back to the beginning of this article for some ideas on how to ask a better question.  If these questions don’t apply, then ask other questions.  If you can’t come up with another question then ask, “What questions should I be asking?”    There are lots of ways that you can get help, support and guidance from people through sticky situations without building images of perfection that the judge will use.   
There are lots of questions that I work on asking that will help you to look at the situation differently.  There is a lot that can be done with perspective and inquiry that is extremely helpful without anyone telling you what you should do.

So if I don’t respond to your question of, “What should I do?” in a way that you expect then I hope this explains it.   I’m not trying to give you ice cubes so the pain from the fire stops.  I’m trying to help you put out the fire that you are sitting in.

To help you get more out of the Self Mastery program here’s a suggestion:

1.    Don’t go for Perfection

This may sound strange but the assignments I give aren’t always things you can accomplish, at least not right away.

Some people think that session 4 is the hardest.  They just agree with people or disagree as an automatic reaction before realizing it.  The assignment is to refrain from doing this, but I’m not expecting success.  As a matter of fact more can be gained by failing.

If all you get out of this exercise is to realize that you don’t control the words coming out of your mouth, and that much of your behavior is on automatic pilot,,, then I’d say that’s enough for a start.  While it might seem like you’ve failed at the goal you’ve actually accomplished a lot in the process. You are now aware of this dynamic.  Your awareness has expanded.  You are now being self reflective and beginning to adopt a new perspective of being an observer. You also have an insight into how agreements/beliefs are made in subtle quick ways and how quickly we accept opinions as fact and truth.  It is this new perspective that is most important at this point.

You might not like what you notice, but that’s the inner judge starting to take over.   You’ve taken an important step towards change because you can’t change a behavior until you know about it.  Just noticing these types of things in the free sessions, even if you aren’t able to change them is the most important lesson.   The exercises in the paid sessions are more focused at the successfully implementing change.  The exercise used to help you discover and become aware of behavior dynamics is not necessarily the one that will be useful for changing those dynamics.

If you come out these exercises feeling like a failure or  pissed off at your self for failing then you’ve had another self judgment.   Not necessarily good, and not my intent, but that’s the nature of a mind out of control at this point.  Exercises in Session 6 and later begin to address this.  These somewhat humbling realizations are a necessary part of the process.  They cause us to see things about our self, our emotions, and our belief system running automatically that was previously unconscious to us.  That’s part of the waking up process.  Listen to my January podcast on Conscious Awakening for more insights on this.

The Free sessions in the Self Mastery program are usually not enough to completely and permanently stop most major emotional reactions.   What the free sessions are intended to do is help you become aware of what is going on in your mind.  With that expanded skill of observation arises the intrinsic motivation to address the real issues of underlying beliefs.  Some people will realize this and get motivated to change their beliefs.  But you can’t really start addressing these beliefs until you see what they are and how the work.

Others will get caught up in the self judgment of their belief system that creates a feeling of failure.  If a person is not aware of the dynamic pf their belief system and able to observe it as the problem, they will push the exercises away thinking it is making them feel worse.  It’s not the exercises that are the problem.  It’s the unrealistic expectations their mind makes and the self rejection based on that unconscious expectation that they are reacting to.  If this is happening, the problem with the sessions isn’t failure or even you.  The problem is with the belief system in the mind making unreasonable and unconscious expectations about success, and then automated self judgments

So do your best not to get tricked into your mind’s assumption that you need to do these practices perfectly before going forward.  Some people I’ve talked to stop listening to new session because they haven’t mastered the current one yet.  It’s a trap of a false expectation that stops progress.

For best results don’t try to do any of these exercises perfectly.  Just do them.  Even do them with little or no success.  It’s not the perfection of these practices that are important.  It’s the doing of them in whatever fashion you can that will make the difference.  Trying to do them perfectly plays into the hands of the way our mind does self judgment.  First an unrealistic expectation, and then a self rejection.  This becomes so painful emotionally that we stop the practice before we have a chance to get decent at it.

Some people will get success with an exercise in 10 minutes.  Some will get success in 10 hours of practice, and some in 10 weeks.   Don’t worry if you don’t get success with an exercise in a few weeks and you get tired of trying.  Give it up for a while and go on to the next one.  You don’t need to get proficient at any of them as prerequisites in order to have success at this process.  Later, after a couple weeks or months of practicing other exercises, come back to the ones you skipped and try them again.  You’ll be a different person by then, and you’ll likely notice different things about the exercise that you didn’t see the first time.

Some people might feel discouraged by the fact that they don’t get immediate results.  To  me the speed at which you make changes in your thoughts, beliefs, emotions, and behaviors is not as important as making these changes successfully.   After all,, if you are not successful,,, then then your efforts at going fast were wasted.

J.K. Rowling Speaks at Harvard Commencement from Harvard Magazine on Vimeo.

Because of her experience she has an extraordinary broad range of perspectives.  And with the capacity for so many perspectives she is wise.

I find your insights incredibly rewarding and helpful.  I have been looking at your website (and bless you for making so much free btw), and one thing I see missing is anything about dealing with grief.  I have recently lost my boyfriend to an accident–and I have been having incredible metaphysical experiences, which I believe actually brought me to your sight–and it looks like dealing with every emotion is in there except that one.

It’s a toughy, and I haven’t seen anything anywhere that is really of much use.  I would love to hear what you have to say about it.

Thanks,

S_______________

Hi S,

It’s hard to talk about an emotion that raw,,, and real.

I spend most of my efforts addressing how we create unhappiness and misery for our selves unnecessarily by putting our faith in beliefs that are false.  Real grief is not like that. You are going to feel emotion and there is no story behind it.  You are going to feel emotion and cry and there aren’t going to be any words to describe it,,, so what does one say.    Any words about such a real experience of grief will likely distort it.

There is a life after wards,,, there is a shifting in ones emotions over time.  Grief is not a permanent state.  There is a perspective,,, developed with a great deal of awareness where we don’t feel the pain anymore.  Actually we feel grateful for the time,,,, any time,,, every moment that we had with them.   But that comes with the acceptance of the nature of death… the dissolving of all things physically manifest.  They are all transient.  It’s a big perspective… one that is also difficult to talk about or put on a web page in text.   I talk about it in my more intensive retreats such as Zion or Mexico.  There’s more time to work with it.  The outcome,,, intended, anyways,,, is the realization that we are all here for a very short time… so don’t waste it.    And,,, if you do get some beautiful moments,,, and you get to experience something called unconditional love with someone, for someone, for god, the earth, your body, the stars or any unconditional love for anything at all,,,, then be grateful for the time that you had.   Because not everybody does.   It’s a different perspective about life when you take death into account here,,, a bigger perspective,,, and one that can lead you to appreciate everything, and every small thing in  a profound way.

So that is why I don’t have much on this site about grief yet.

God Speed,,,, may you find peace when you are done.

Many people write to me and thank me for how I have helped them.   Some are so grateful that they are at a loss, and ask how.   I will tell you how I want to be thanked.

Live a happy life with love, gratitude, and respect.  Love your self,,, and love others.  

That is how you can thank me.  If you express thanks to me,,, and to others who have helped you in this way,,, you will have really appreciated what I have tried to share.

You will find that to thank another in this way is a bit more work than verbalizing words or sending a card.  You will also find that this kind of a thank you is a gift back to your self.

Some people define faith as a belief in something for which they have no evidence for.  Others think of faith as a set of religious beliefs.  These are limited uses and understanding of faith.  Faith is a force.  Think of it as a life force energy that you direct, consciously or unconsciously.  It is a force you use every day.   People and use faith every day in ways that are very real and practical but hardly notice.  This force of faith that you use has profound impact on your thoughts, emotions, and behavior.

People use faith when they exchange money. A dollar has value largely because people believe it has value.  People have invested faith in the idea that dollars can be traded for food, gas, clothing, services, and other things.  Because other people also have faith in this same use of money it works and appears to be truth.

We put our money in a bank because we have faith that a bank is a safe place for our money.  When people have fear and doubts about the safety of that bank their faith dissolves. Or more specifically they invest faith in the idea that the bank is unsafe. Then they withdraw their money.  If enough people withdraw their money from a bank, it can collapse.  Even if the bank is solvent it can collapse because people no longer have enough faith in the bank. You could say that the strength of a bank is more dependent on faith of people than the actual balance sheet of the bank.

The price of a stock is largely determined by faith.  People will value and pay for a stock dependent on what their BELIEF.   Faith is the force that makes that belief strong.  If people lose their faith in that company, then they sell their stock.  The action of selling stock is determined by where they invest their faith.  The value of a stock is determined by the faith people have in the value of a company stock.  You could say that the whole stock market is help up by the power of faith people have in its overall worth.  That’s why prices of stocks and the whole market can change so quickly.  When people shift what they have their faith in things can change quickly.  When you change what beliefs you have invested faith in your life can change very quickly.

The value of stock, a piece of real estate, a dollar, euro, or peso is largely a matter of faith.  They are worth what people “believe” they are worth.  Only when other people believe the same thing does that belief appear real.   When people no longer put the force of their faith behind the value of a stock the price falls.   More precisely we can say that they have taken their faith out of the “idea” that the stock’s value.  People don’t invest their faith in a stock, but rather in the idea of a stock’s value.  Then they put their money in the stock based on how much faith they invested in the idea of value for that stock.  If you see this relationship it becomes clear that our actions are based on the power of faith we have invested in ideas.

Faith Impacts How We Feel

Faith in yourself can give you a feeling of confidence. If you believe that you can do something, you have faith in your ability and you produce a feeling of confidence.  When you doubt your ability, you are also investing faith.  You invest your faith in the ideas and images that you will fail, and that people will judge you.  When you put faith in those ideas and images you create emotions of fear or insecurity.  In both cases, you are expressing the energy of faith.  It is just that you express it into different conceptual ideas, outcomes, and self-images and this produces different emotions.

Suppose you did something in your past and later wish you hadn’t done. If you invest faith in that idea then you will create emotions of guilt.  If you invest faith in the idea that you are a bad person for what you have done then you will create emotions of shame.  Guilt is an emotion based in something you have done, while shame is an emotion based in a belief about what you are.  The strength of the emotions you feel will depend on how much faith you have in these ideas about your self.   With the force of faith you can create these emotions within your self even if the story is not true.   But by creating these feelings the story will feel true.

Most everything you feel about yourself derives from the faith you invest in various ideas about yourself. Two people could have the same experience of hardship and failure, but invest their faith in opposite interpretations about what would happen next time.  One might believe he will fail again, while the other person might invest faith in the idea that she will do better next time because of her commitment or what she learned.   Failure didn’t determine how a person felt, but rather what ideas they invested their faith in did. Each person is using the energy of faith and investing it in one belief or another about themselves and the future.  Each creates a different belief system, and produces different emotions.  One person will become more focused committed and feel confident,,, the other will generate insecurity.  The action that each person takes from then on will be congruent with where they have invested their faith.

If you are feeling emotions of fear, shame, guilt, and unhappiness, it is because you have invested faith in conceptual ideas that create these emotions.  The ideas that are in your head and your self images are not the truth.  But if you invest faith in them they will produce emotions and create the feeling of being real.  The emotions you create with your faith are real, but the images and ideas of your beliefs are not.    If you want to change how you feel one of the things you will have to learn to do is divest your faith from these false beliefs.

In recovering the power of your faith from these false beliefs not only will your level of happiness change, but your actions and behavior will changes as well.  Another benefit of recovering your faith from these false beliefs is that you will then have the personal power to choose a new set of beliefs and take the actions to create a new life based on what you really want.

Learning how to gain control over the force of your faith is something that the Self Mastery course will help you do.

Being educatued,,, being aware,,,, and then take action to make changes.

Original site with lots more info at http://www.storyofstuff.org/

The simple answer is Love.

Love is not only a beautiful feeling, but an incredibly transformative force.  When we express love we create a feeling of happiness.  When we are filled with love there is no room for fear or the emotional pains that come with self judgment.  Love can be a powerful experience that leaves no room in the mind for that chattering internal dialog that can keep us up at night when we are stressed.  Love can displace all that chatter and keep you in a state of quiet peacefulness.  That’s the simple answer.  Of course it’s not that simple.

If you desire to make changes in your life because you are not happy,,, then you aren’t starting in this state of love.  Where you are more likely involves fear, self judgment, insecurity, anger, and lots of stressful dialog that can keep you up at night.  At that stage of the process Love is foreign that doesn’t mean anything and just having it suggested to you can make you more angry.   So maybe you can’t feel any love and the best you can manage is to just reach acceptance of where you are.

Of course when we consider acceptance the big judge in your mind can jump in and complain about how this whole situation is unacceptable.  Maybe it points out that we’ve done so much self help type of work that we should be way past this.  We shouldn’t be having emotional reactions like this any more.  The victim story in our mind is afraid to accept this situation because it interprets it as defeat and failure.  So maybe at this stage acceptance isn’t much of an option and the best we can do is just refrain from drama as best we can.

Of course this to refrain from following into the emotional drama behavior our mind is projecting  is challenging.  When that is the case then the most important thing is Will power.  We need will power to refrain from acting on the drama stories.

Of course if you haven’t been breaking down your false beliefs very long it is unlikely that you’ve recovered much will power to have at your disposal.  In that case the most important thing is to get some will power.  You need to break down some of the false beliefs in your mind and recover the personal power that you invested in them.  To do this you need some skills and techniques at breaking down false beliefs.  At this stage the most important thing you can do is identify and dissolve false beliefs in your mind.

If this is challenging it’s probably because you haven’t yet adopted a neutral observer perspective.  This is the first step to changing beliefs. Maybe you can’t do unconditional love, acceptance, or will your way out of the emotional reactions, but you can observe the story of the judge, the victim, and all the emotions and chatter in the mind.  Then that is what you can do and that is the most important thing to do.   Trying to do more than you can do won’t help you at this point.

Of course in order to shift your point of perception to being a neutral observer you will need to have the desire to do so.  That desire has to be big enough that you make a commitment to make changes in your sabotaging emotional behaviors.  It’s no longer about just wishing they would go away. It’s no longer about waiting for other people to change before you will be happy.  You make a commitment that you will change the false beliefs and negative thoughts in your mind and you will be happy no matter what. So if you haven’t started really observing your self then the most important thing you can do is to make a commitment to do so.

Of course that kind of change is generally resisted.  The decision making process in the mind is wired such that the very beliefs that are causing all the emotional drama, also have influence in how we go about solving them.  They tend to point us in the direction of:  Trying to change other people,  Building a more positive self image and trying to become that image,  Intending to will our self not to do the same emotional reaction again, (even though we haven’t changed any of the underlying causes),  Or the preferred distraction of ignoring the problem.   So before you make a determined effort to change the underlying dynamics of your belief system you’ll need to become tired of all the excuses, distractions, and denial that makes up the resistance.    What this means is that you eventually have to become tired of being unhappy.

At a certain point the misery of unhappiness just becomes too unbearable and you have to do something about it.   You decide to change what you believe.  Misery, unhappiness, and emotional suffering is the mother of commitment to change.  And when you are just starting out, a commitment to change is the most important thing.

Unhappiness will continue until you are tired of it and you decide that you are at the bottom.  No one tells you that you are at the bottom.  You have to decide where it is.  From there you decide to make changes in your belief system and your life.  With authentic desire for emotional change a commitment is naturally declared.  With that commitment you begin to take the action to become the observer of your thoughts, fears, emotions, and false beliefs.  You take the action to develop the skills to dismantle the false beliefs that you find.  As you dismantle these false beliefs the power of your faith previously invested in those beliefs returns back to you.  As you recover your personal will power you are better able to refrain from the emotional drama.  The critic of the judge and the internal victim don’t seem as believable from your new observer point of view.   It becomes easier adopt an attitude of acceptance for where you are.  From that new plateau of acceptance,,, you begin to experience Love.

And some times all of this is just a bit overwhelming.  There’s ten things on the list of important things to do to be happy and you don’t feel that you are very good at any of them.  We’ll at certain junctions of the journey the most important thing you can do is to show up and ask for help.  Show up in the presence of someone that is going to love you unconditionally.  Show up in the presence of someone who will accept you just the way you are.  Show up in the presence of someone who doesn’t judge you.  Show up in the presence of someone that will help you break down the big fearful beliefs into smaller ones that you can manage.  Sometimes the most important thing you can do is to find a good guide that can help you on your Pathway To Happiness and show up where they are.

So what is the most important thing?   It depends where you are in your process that day?  This process of doing the most important thing depends on how much awareness, will power, skills, and acceptance and love you have that day.  It depends on how strong the emotional reaction is that you are dealing with.  It depends on how much suffering you’ve experienced and whether you believe it means that things will never change,,, or you decide to believe, “That’s enough.   I’m going to do the most important thing.  I’m going to do what it takes to be happy.”

For practical insights on and actions to take on changing core beliefs, developing personal poer, and creating happiness in your life I suggest you listen to the Free Audio Podcasts and practice the exercises in the Self Mastery course.

We are a culture where grown men spend their spare time playing video games.   We are afraid to fail, and we are glad to have that next life, so we can score more points, improve our game, get to the next level, beat the guy next to us, and thereby feel that we have accomplished something.   Then perhaps,,, we will feel good,,, maybe even good about our self.

Do we respect our self as men?  Do we respect and honor our self?  Do we respect and honor other men?   No.  Not when we are young.  We are not taught to.  And when we do, we honor only the part of a man that we are trained to.  We don’t honor all our emotions, all our experiences, our weaknesses, our creativity, or our challenges.   We’ve learned to respect “being tough”, “strong”, “successful”, an education in the form of degrees.  And in respecting and revering these limited attributes, we fear failing to become them.

The result is that our goals and ideals become our demons.

In the last 150 years the way children, particularly boys, have been raised has changed.  There is a lost connection between father and son.  And then those sons have become fathers of sons they don’t have connection with.

There is a way back to recovering those lost connections.  I can’t cover it all here, but we can begin the journey.  Robert Bly is an elder for men on their journey.   Perhaps take a peek at this world of men as he describes it in this video interview with Bill Moyers.

Excellent video of poet Robert Bly being interviewed by Bill Moyers in 1990. They discuss what it means to be a man in today’s society – the pains of being a man and the things that can be done to heal them.

I particularly lke his comments around minute 36. “When you were young you needed to receive something,,, and you didn’t receive it. And the proper attitude for that is mourning.”   Rather insightful.

As you learn to live a happier life one of the things that will change is the quality of communication.  Probably one of the most fearfully corrupt areas of communication is sales and marketing.  I know this because I used to work in sales.  Once you learn to overcome this fear filled area of dealing with sales people you will be much wiser about making decisions with your money.

Sales and marketing is typically use fear and emotional abuse.  Often it is so subtle we don’t notice the specifics of it.  Because we are not aware of the specifics of it, we can be taken advantage of.  We may not know the details of how we are being maneuvered, but we know we don’t like it when it is happening.

Marketers and sales people are not really motivated to change their end of the communication.  The way they manipulate and maneuver people’s emotions puts food on their table. That means that changing the quality of communication is our responsibility.  And this we can do by being aware of the subtle ways that sales people operate and how we react to them.  As we become wise to their emotional hooks, dealing with sales people can be fun, and even entertaining.  We’ll also have to let go of our judgments of what they are doing, but that just benefits us.  But maybe what you will notice as the greatest practical importance is that you will be able to keep a lot more of your own money.

Fear of Losing Money

Spending money is a behavior, and most behaviors are emotionally driven.  Then it comes as no surprise that sales people use emotions to get you to spend money. Specifically, they use your emotional reactions to sell you their products and services.  If you become more aware of your emotions, and the beliefs that trigger your emotional reactions then you will make better decisions with your money.

There are two principle mechanisms that sales people use to transfer your money into their pocket.  They are the emotions of fear and excitement or hope.

The most common hook used by sales people is fear.  It’s most often used because it is most effective.  An obvious example is for home alarm security systems with slogans, “Don’t let this happen to you.”  Which,,, when you consider the question, causes your mind to imagine it happening to you and experience fear in the process.  It’s then followed up by a mention of their product as a means of safety from the fear that they have just proposed to you.

The planting and activation of seeds of fear in your mind get much more subtle than that.  Another common phrase,,, “Don’t miss out.”  This of course plays on our fear of missing out, and at a more subtle level, the fear of being left out.  In these scenarios it is our imagination doing the work by creating the scenario and having an emotional reaction to the scenario we imagine.

Our imagination can be an extraordinary amplifier.  It takes only a few words of suggestion and our imagination can build a scenario that is a whole virtual reality of the experience.  It comes complete with images of people, animated stories, dialog, back story, and within seconds can rapidly project months into the future.  We then perceive the scenario our mind imagines and have an emotional reaction to the virtual reality that we just experienced.  And all of this can happen with just a few words of suggestion as a trigger.

What is important to note that sometimes those trigger words for that fear based virtual reality scenario don’t come from anybody else.  Sometimes those trigger words are from our own thoughts.

One of the words that I use to describe the scenario of our imagination is “dream.”  I often use the word dream to describe what goes on in our imagination because it includes emotion as well as the other elements of audio, visual, and tactile experiences that our imagination can create.

Today’s Current Example:  Being Sold On Health Care Fears

A current day practical example of a fearful sales pitch is going on in the health care debate.  One phrase being used is “Don’t let government come between you and your doctor.”  The implied message there is that change is bad.  Also implied in the message is that government is bad and can’t be trusted.  What it fails to mention is that a large profit driven corporation, (ie. an insurance company) is already in between you and your doctor.  Personally I find it a conflict of my health interest when their profits increase as they restrict, or deny me health care.   But I digress.

The point is that when we hear that phrase about “government coming between you and your doctor”,  our mind is tempted to run with the scenario.  However, the more awareness we have, the more scrutiny and skepticism we apply, and the more points of view we consider, the less likely we are to fall into that dream of fear.

Sales Pitch of Fear

We could cover all the hidden messages of fear for a while, but that would get boring. It’s more important for you to become aware of the way your mind generates scenarios and creates unpleasant emotions when trigger phrases are used.  More importantly, what does your mind do once it starts to create fear?

Once you begin to generate unpleasant emotions, your mind then reacts a second time to try to make you feel better.  This is a natural emotional and mental instinct to be happy, but the way we have been conditioned is to comfort our selves with a “feel better” behavior.  When we were little the “better behavior” was usually being suggested by our parents.  Later it was suggested by people pushing our buttons.  People have an emotional reaction of anger to us, and then tell us what we should do so they can stop blaming us.  As we became consumers it became a “feel better” product offered by marketers as a solution to the fearful seeds they planted.

In all these patterned behaviors we learn the habit of doing what other people want in order to make our selves feel better.  After years of this of looking for other people to tell us what we should do, we hardly ask the question anymore, “What do I want?”

The point is that these emotionally comforting behaviors and products that others suggest haven’t solved the problem of feeling uncomfortable.  They’ve only shifted our attention briefly from the proposed fear we imagined.  Our fears remain because the beliefs that created our fears go unaddressed.  Our imagination still operates in essentially the same way of producing fearful dreams and scenarios that we believe.  They get triggered again when we hear or think similar thoughts.  This leads to more of the same emotions and behavior patterns in the future.

The problem isn’t just with what others say.  That’s only half.  The other half of the problem with fear is the way that our mind dreams.  Changing the way other people communicate with you is not going to be very effective.  You’ll have much better success making changes in your own mind than you will have in their behavior.

Changing the Fearful Pattern of Being Sold

The important point is that you learn to be aware of the subtle changes in your emotions.  With that awareness of your emotions you can begin to dismantle the beliefs that cause you to react.  In this way you detach your self from the power sales people or others appear to have over you.

I say “appear” because the power of control is really yours.  The real power is behind your own emotional beliefs.  The trigger phrases of sales people and your own thoughts are just that, triggers.  It’s only when we have these fear based beliefs that we have triggers available that others can push.

When you no longer respond in a fearful way to the seeds of marketers and sales people, then they will have to change the way they communicate with you.

If we change the way we listen and interpret, and therefore how we feel about what people say, then other people will change the way they communicate with us. Yes it’s kind of backwards, but the truth is like that sometimes.

There are practical exercises in for dismantling the fear based beliefs in your mind available in the Self Mastery Audio Program. The first few sessions are free.