“I’m a fat slob.  I’ve got to lose 20 lbs.  I’ll never be able to do it.  It’s too much. Maybe I’ll just go for a walk and start there. No!  That won’t do it.  That’s not enough.  You need more than that. You need to go for a run, a big run, a 10 mile run. If you workout really hard you can have a lean sculpted body.  You can even have six pack abs.   That’s what you need to do.  When you get fit like that you’ll feel awesome.

But you are going to need to watch what you eat too.  No more sugar, no more caramel macchiato coffee drinks.  No more desserts.  No more beer either, so stay away from happy hour after work and any social life with your friends.  You need to take this training seriously or not at all.

 No social life, no relaxing with a glass of wine, no wonderful desserts?  Just work and workouts? That’s no fun.  I think I’ll feel deprived of all the stuff I enjoy.  I’ll be miserable if I do that.  I don’t want that. Maybe I’ll just get some potato chips and see what is on TV.”

Then it starts again,,, from the beginning.  “I’m a fat slob.”

(Repeat from above)

The circular thinking resulted with my client on the couch watching television for a number of weeks.  Why are we trapped in unhealthy cycles like this?  It’s a function of our fear based and false beliefs.  These beliefs are lies.   Damn Lies.

When you look closer and study the beliefs held within these words you’ll see what holds this self destructive cycle together.  You’ll see how these thoughts lead our attention and look at certain things and not others.  How our attention goes into certain thoughts and builds whole imaginary dreams out of them.  Then we have emotional reactions to those imaginary dreams, and those emotional reactions cause more thoughts that take hold of our attention again.

I’m a fat slob.

It’s a self judgment: a verbal self rejection using the image of the body as a basis for self worth.  Basing our self worth on our body is an assumption and is the first lie.   Our self worth doesn’t have to be based on our body, but if it is, and you judge your body, you end up feeling emotions of unworthiness.   It’s a damn lie. But we can still create a lot of emotions by believing imagined lies.

I’ve got to lose 20 lbs. 

Maybe that emotional feeling of unworthiness is painful.  Maybe it hurts so much that you get motivated to change it.  So you decide to lose 20 lbs so you feel better about your self.   The problem here is that it wasn’t what your body looked like that made you feel bad.  What created the feeling of unworthiness was believing the lie about your self worth.  That was on top of the other lie of self being related to what your body looks like.

The proposed solution to feeling bad is to change our body even though it didn’t cause us to feel bad.  We lie to our self about the solution and change how we feel by changing what our mind is judging.  We believe changing our physical appearance will change how we feel emotionally. (Lie)  Our physical appearance can be amazing, but if we still believe a judgmental thought, our sense of worthiness doesn’t change at all.  But we get lulled into the effort of changing our body and ignore what goes on in our mind.  (more illusions)

I’ll never be able to do it.  It’s too much.

When we think of making a change our mind can imagine the shift in one step.  That’s not how change actually happens, but that’s why we call it imagination.  Because the imagination produces the new result immediately it didn’t fill in the actual action steps.  The mind has produced an illusion of success.  There is no plan with a step by step approach with time to execute it.  Without a scenario of how to get there, our common sense awareness kicks in and tells us the result looks impossible.  We conclude that the change is too much to do in one step.  Our conclusion is a truth, but it’s based on the lie of doing it in one step. So our thought becomes, “It’s too much.”   Our emotions go to failure and defeat.

Maybe I’ll just go for a walk and start there.

We back up and catch our self.  We begin to piece together some steps to get to our final goal of losing 20 lbs. (or whatever the amount you have I mind.)  We have a start and perhaps develop a sense of hope and possibility.

No!  That won’t do it.  That’s not enough.  You need more than that.

This thought came from a tyrannical voice of authority.  It was the side of Ben’s personality that was serious about getting things done.  It’s the voice in his head he puts in charge of hard projects requiring commitment.  There was some truth to what it said, and that made the rest of the thoughts hard to recognize as a lie.  Yes it was going to take more than one walk to get to the goal.   But it ignores the long term plan with many small steps necessary to complete a long journey.  The truth is that just getting off the couch and going for a walk might be enough to start with.

You need to go for a run, and a big run, a 10 mile run.

Here the tyrannical voice throws out another over reaching goal.  It wants’ to start off with a level of training Ben was at two years ago when he was doing a lot of training.  It’s one that isn’t going to be achieved so it’s a set up for failure.  The flag for the lie here is the word “NEED.”  Ben doesn’t need to go for a run and he certainly doesn’t need to do a 10 mile run.  That’s more likely to be self abusive and injure his body instead of make him healthier.

If you workout really hard you can have a lean sculpted body.  You can even have six pack abs.   That’s what you need to do. 

Here the conversation of voices in Ben’s head goes from abusive tyranny to a sales job.  It’s a beautiful story and it has a happy ending with lots of self images of the ego getting stroked in the process.  The salesman is trying to be his friend and get him on board with the lofty goals.  This illusion takes Ben’s attention away from the present moment and putting his shoes on for a walk.

When you get fit like that you’ll feel awesome. 

This is dangling a carrot out there and telling him his emotions of happiness are dependent on what his body looks like.  It’s a carrot made of good feeling emotions.  All it actually does is reinforce the NEED to run 10 miles story with and make it emotionally appealing so we want to believe the lie.  This is what I’ll call a damn lie.  It’s a lie that makes Ben feel good but has no basis in anything real.  It’s most dangerous because it cloaks the others lies behind this emotionally appealing self image.  It’s setting the goals too high and leads to disappointment. If we buy into the salesman’s pitch here we will have overspent on expectations.

But you are going to need to watch what you eat too.  No more sugar, no more caramel macchiato coffee drinks.  No more desserts.  No more beer either, so stay away from happy hour after work and any social life with your friends.  You need to take this training seriously or not at all. 

If we bought the lie the salesman was selling we feel committed now.  The underlying assumption is that it would be wrong to back out on our commitments.  That’s a lie too, mostly because what we are committed to are stories in the mind.  Once the salesman has got us on the hook with those feel good emotions that it linked to a fit body, it starts pushing for more.  Now it’s not enough to be committed and to run 10 miles at the first work out.  Now you have to give up everything else you enjoy in order to get that fit body.  The salesman just raised the price you have to pay before you can feel good.  Ben would be better off just going for a walk, but that’s not what the lies in his head tell him.

No social life, no relaxing with a glass of wine, no desserts?  Just work and workouts,,, that’s no fun.  I’ll feel deprived of so much I enjoy.  I’ll be miserable if I do that.  I don’t want that. 

There’s a truth in this lie as well.  You rightly figured out the salesman’s voice in your head raised the price and it was too high.  He wanted you to make your self miserable by going to an austerity plan living a fanatical lifestyle of workouts.  Truthfully this is too high a price.  Ben is not deciding to train for a triathlon.  However, the rejection of the extreme lifestyle is a general rejection of, “I don’t want to do “THAT.”   What is the “that” he is rejecting?  It’s called a healthy lifestyle.  The tricky lie is that the salesman bundled healthy lifestyle with a fanatical one.  We are saying NO to the fanatical part, but in the process we are unaware that our mind is throwing out moderate exercise and eating as well.  Another damn lie where the stuff we don’t want got mixed in with the lifestyle we do want.   Without awareness we throw out everything by believing the thought, “I don’t want that”.

Maybe I’ll just get some potato chips and see what is on TV.

When we consider the lies of a fanatical workout and social austerity lifestyle, our mind dreams an unhappy life.  Our natural instinct is to look for something that will make us happier.  At this point watching TV and eating potato chips looks like a good idea.  When we try it on in our imagination it feels a lot better than the last option.  It’s another damn lie that feels better.   We feel better for the moment but that’s only compared to an imaginary nightmare where we have no friends, no social life, and no fun.  The previous ugly scenario makes the couch feel like a relatively better lie.  It doesn’t feel genuinely good, just not as worse.  It’s also an illusion that distracts us from any small healthy steps like taking a walk and having a piece of fruit.

Of course that distraction only lasts until another familiar voice in Ben’s head proposes that he is overweight and should get off the couch.  The end result is that Ben’s imagination is running laps in a circle, but his body doesn’t get taken for a walk around the block.

If you want to get out of such a loop, then you need to get out of those lies, and damn lies.  How so you do that?  Become so aware of what is going on in your mind that you are able to see the lies in there for what they are.  When you are aware that the thoughts in your head are lies, you won’t believe them anymore.  Sometimes it’s not enough to have an opposing belief, or to try and think something else.  This does make pre-existing lies go away.  Just like the story above, these only moved Ben’s attention on to something else.

What helps to get rid of these types of lies is to become aware of the assumptions they are built on, and notice the lies within these assumptions.  That’s what I tried to do above.  I broke down each thought so you could see the underlying false beliefs (lies) they were built on. When you not only see a thought as a lie, but know WHY it is a lie, you are much less likely to fall for that tricky voice in your head the same way.

There are practical steps to learn how to do this in the Self Mastery course. 

Any good tool, technique, practice, or philosophy, can help you out of suffering and into greater happiness and love. And when that tool, technique, practice, or philosophy is taken too far, it can become a dogmatic trap that creates unhappiness and suffering. That dual edged sword applies to the tools, techniques, and practices I teach as well.  The Buddhists refer to this dynamic as a “Near Enemy.”

A hammer can pound a nail so you can hang your picture.  Miss the nail and you hurt your finger.  A skill saw or table saw can cut that piece of wood just right and help you build a house.   But if you cut a board the wrong length it costs you time, money, and you have a pile of waste.  That same saw helping you build your house can also take off a finger.

Tools can help you build a home and everything in it so you are warm and comfortable.  They can also hurt you if you mishandle those tools.  There are techniques you apply to changing your beliefs and emotions so you can be happier.  Take them too far, or misuse them, and you hurt your self or others unnecessarily.

Acceptance vs. Boundaries

The practice of acceptance can allow you to be gentle with your self.  It’s a new inner communication softening the words of the inner critic and even dissolving them completely.  It’s a way to relax internally that you feel physically and emotionally.   If taken further you dissolve judgmental criticisms in your mind about other people.  This can relieve you of lots of toxic thoughts and emotions in your head.  If you take the practice of acceptance too far you allow people to be disrespectful to you and take advantage of you. You avoid putting up boundaries with abusive critical people when it is called for.

Then, when you feel the emotional consequence of the other party’s disrespect, your overdeveloped faith in the acceptance tool tells you that you aren’t doing it right.  You should be more accepting of people who disrespect you.  You end up telling your self, “If I was just more accepting of them and myself then their words wouldn’t bother me so much.”  Self judging words inflict more emotional harm.  This is the result when you try harder with a tool that you have already taken too far.

It is a fine point of balance to stand in acceptance of your self where you are in your journey while you push forward with changes on your emotions and beliefs.  You will probably cross over this balance point many times before you stabilize on it.   That’s just part of the practice.

Left or Right?  Which way do I go?

More than once people have pointed out what seemed to be contradictions or problems with the tools I share.  Often the problem is that the understanding of the practice has been exaggerated or taken too far and is no longer helpful.   Being mindful that any practice or technique can be taken too far and it becomes harmful will help you be more skillful in your practice.

One student complained to his teacher, “A while back you said I should do more of A.  and now you are saying that I should do more of  B.   That’s almost the exact opposite of A.  I think you are contradicting your self.   The teacher responded, “Yes I did tell you those things.  That’s because last month you were veering too far off the path to the right.  So I told you to come left.  Now you are veering too far left and leaving the path so I’m suggesting you move more to the right.”

Work Ethic vs. Rest and Play

Lisa has a well developed work ethic.  She applies it to everything.  When she took on my Self Mastery program she went at it with the same work ethic she applied to her education, her job, and her triathlon training.  She made a lot of progress fast.  She saw a lot of amazing changes within her self and changes in her relationships and her life.  That inspired her to work the program harder.  Her discipline and consistent focus of time and attention was reaping rewards.  However as hard as she worked, some issues still hadn’t changed.

A conversation with Lisa revealed that no matter how hard she worked, she still wasn’t getting there as fast as she wanted.  “Where do you want to get to?” I asked.

Lisa described an extensive number of big changes she still wanted to make, including achieving levels of emotional mastery.

“What is driving you to push so hard to make those changes?” I asked.

Lisa was quiet for a while and then said, “It seems like it is a critical voice in my head of the inner Judge.”

“And how do you feel when it is beating you up for not working hard enough?” I asked.

Lisa took some time to think and feel into the dynamic.  “I feel like I’m not good enough.  Like I am lazy, like I’m failing,” she said.

“So let me get this straight. There is an image of perfection you have in your mind that your belief system says you should get to.  It’s a  kind of super spiritual ego image.  Your judge is there pushing you to it, criticizing you for not being that image already.  All under the assumption that it knows the time line for how long these changes take.  And the result of believing in the image of perfection, and the inner Judge is that you push your self hard every day, and feel like a failure of a victim while you do it.  Is that about right?”

“That’s about right,” she said.

It turned out that some of the motivation for doing this inner work was being driven by the same judge/victim belief system of suffering that existed in other areas of her life.  A strong work ethic has rewarded her well in life and she should benefit from it.  It seemed she was over using her “go to” tool and in the process abusing her self with it.

Some of Lisa’s work ethic was driven by the harsh critic voice of the inner judge.  The more she followed what it said, the more she reinforced the Image of Perfection beliefs and Victim feelings as well.  The result was that the “hard work” dynamic was reinforcing negative beliefs instead of allowing her freedom from them.

Balance and Moderation

Lisa’s new assignment was to take some time off during the week and have fun. Go do things just for enjoyment and pleasure.  Maybe it was a day off from the inner work, maybe it was an afternoon here and there where she didn’t need to struggle to be “aware.”

At first Lisa resisted this approach thinking she wanted to go faster.

“It will help you to go faster,” I said.  “It’s a different way of accomplishing the same thing.   Right now the strong work ethic approach has been corrupted by judgment and victimization.  It is inflicting emotional suffering which is what we are trying to alleviate.  So it is time to back off that pattern and work on changing those beliefs a different way for now.”

I explained that the new approach of taking time during the week to enjoy your life and have fun is actually a different way to break the pattern of the Judge/Victim beliefs causing  suffering.  When you are laughing, you are not in self judgment or a victim state of suffering.  When you are playing and having fun you are not in a judge/victim state of mind.  When you are enjoying you life you are freeing your self from suffering.  These are all ways to transcend the emotional suffering of the judge/victim mind.  Going out during the week and taking time off to enjoy your life is a direct way to do it.

In one of the early emails you get after signing up for the Self Mastery Course I tell people to make time to have fun.  I think many people over look this point or don’t understand the importance at the time.

Practice all things in balance and moderation.  Any approach, even the “hard work” approach can be taken too far and trip up your steps down your Pathway to Happiness.

Any self help tool or technique can help you to be free of unhappiness.  The same technique can also be misused, abused, and exaggerated and become self destructive to your process.   This is why the Buddhists call them “Near Enemy’s” They start out as your friend and you hold it close.  But if you hold too tightly it becomes distorted or exaggerated enough to become an Enemy that is hurting you.

It will take time to learn how to properly use the many different techniques effectively.  You will no doubt misuse some at times, particularly in the beginning.  That’s to be expected and is okay.  The over all use of any practice should help more than hurt.  And with practice you will become more skillful with each exercise so that after a while you don’t use it against your self, or others, at all.

It’s not just practice that will make you a master, but skillful practice will make you a skillful master.  In the beginning things may be a bit clumsy, but so is everyone when they start something new.  The way to solve that is to practice and observe what happens.  Put the tools into action and allow your self the freedom to change how you use them in a way that works for you.  That will help you avoid becoming dogmatic.

As you practice each tool, do so while being aware of the results as best you can.   Be aware that you can take it too far, become too dogmatic, or become too attached to its use.   If you keep each practice in moderation and balance it with skillful use, you can avoid using these tools as Near Enemy’s against your self.

Hope that helps.

Gary

Specific exercises and practices for becoming more mindful and changing beliefs can be found in the Self Mastery Course. The first few sessions are free for you to try.

In summary:  a Near Enemy is a Buddhist term used to describe how the ego distorts a useful spiritual practice into one that causes more suffering.

Instead I liken it to cleaning.  Big cleaning, like a road or driveway after a flood. (Think of it as a Pathway if you want.)  First time through you go to work with a front end loader.  The road gets cleared and you can make your way.  But if you look around closely there is more that can be cleaned.  You go after it with a shovel.    It all gets scooped up.  After a while the shovel doesn’t pick anything up anymore so you think you are done.  But if you look more closely at the path, between the bumps in the asphalt there are granules of dirt and sand.  Granules that could sometimes collect in areas and create bumps or slick spots where it isn’t as safe to drive the car or brake.   So you get a broom and sweep.  Now this dust comes up that the shovel never touched.

It may seem like you are going over the same area covering the same issues and stories as before, and, like you might have failed to do a good job.  (Careful about a judge victim story like that.  Wouldn’t be the first time someone fell for it though. )   Truth was that you are showing  up as a different person now looking at the same issues and can do a more detailed cleaning that you couldn’t do the first time.  It made no sense to start with a broom.  You needed a front end loader the first time.  Now the front loader won’t do the job for these details that were hiding between the cracks and bumps.  So you have to go back over the area of the same story,,, but in a different way this time.  You the cleaner can be more thorough this time with your broom in a way that you couldn’t do with a shovel.    That’s why sometimes these same stories/issues have to be revisited again.

In a way the thing that you are cleaning is your Self from all the false beliefs and false images you carry around in your mind.   At the same time You are the cleaning instrument.  The first time around you,,, the instrument, were still pretty clouded and so you probably didn’t clean your self up 100%.  So now, after you’ve done a thorough inventory and let go a great many beliefs, you are cleaner.  You also are a more finely tuned instrument.  So when you go back and you look at the same set of beliefs that you cleaned up a year or two ago, you see them differently.  You can find the distortions now that you couldn’t see before.  You see the dust in the cracks and can sweep those thoughts out.  When you were using a shovel you didn’t have the skills as the cleaning instrument to finish the job.  Therefore returning to the same topic more than once isn’t a measurement of failure.  Rather it is a progression of your skills to refine, grow, and be more thorough and complete in your changes.

Recently while journaling after an emotional reaction I had an interesting experience I thought I would share.

2nd Person) On the other hand, the image of the 2nd person was created and compared to the assumed image of myself. The judge ruled that the 2^nd person’s image was superior to the image it had for me according to its book of how people should be (Image of Perfection). It determined I was inferior to the other person and so developed another set of ‘rules’ for how the 2nd person should act.  They were a lot different than the set for the 1st person. I believed that because this person is better than me he has the right to judge me and mistreat me. I believed I was what he said I was.  So the judge judges me for not being as I should, as long as I believe I am what he says. My belief system and the voices in my head believe I am at fault and so the ego directs its anger towards me. I am now caught in a spiral of fear, judgment and anger all directed towards myself. In reality the judgment is towards an image which I create and assume is me. If I see this I can watch the reaction without actually being in it.

In both cases the same words were spoken but I felt very differently depending on what I believed about the two people.

Here’s the most important line to read in the second to last paragraph.

If I see this I can watch the reaction without actually being in it.

My take on that is:  If you have awareness, you are free to avoid emotional reactions.

The other point to note here is that this detailed realization really senses the basis for responsibility of our emotions to our self.  This isn’t always a comfortable feeling.  It isn’t always comfortable because we sometimes comfort our self by blaming others.   However, in taking responsibility, we open to door to having power over our emotions.  As long as we are blaming others (abdicating power of our emotions to others) we are dependent on other people to change how we feel.

What Sam discovered was that he was indeed responsible for creating his own emotional reactions.   When he saw how he created his emotions, he could no longer deny that he was creating his emotions.

The important part here is that through developing his awareness of what was going on in his mind Sam is able to change his emotional reaction.   This is important because knowing what is going on or why it is going on isn’t what we want.  What we want is to change our emotional reactions.   These are some of the results you can expect from the Self Mastery Course.

From the TED Talks Archives:

We can’t solve our problems by laying down a set of rules and pretending that following them to the letter will produce desired results. There are consequences for having rules, and they are not always good.

It is the best of times.  It is the worst of times.  It’s that time of year when we have more parties, social gatherings, big meals with family, presents, beautiful music, all celebrated in our best attire.  It can also be the most emotionally stressful of times as well.  How does that happen?

What produces stress?  Stress can be created by a difference between reality, and our mentally projected version of reality, or a mentally projected version of what reality “should be.”   This mentally projected version of reality is what I like to call “Virtual Reality.”   When our Virtual Reality expectations don’t match with real life, we feel uncomfortable tension emotionally.  We can call that feeling stress.  But it doesn’t stop there.

We then have the impulse to feel better.  This is perfectly natural and a good thing.  Except the way that we go about trying to “fix” things or make changes can make things worse. The assumed solution to changing this feeling is to make reality fit our mental virtual reality.  We try to change people and everything in our life assuming it will make us feel better.   Our thoughts focus on “making every issue perfect” and worrying about what might fail to meet our mental virtual reality.  We work extra hard to control those variables of people, food, decorations, lighting, timing, music, parking, and even other peoples emotions to make things “just right.”  However, “just right” is really a reference to what our belief system has defined as “just right.”  And all of this is to satisfy that made up world of a belief system in our imagination.

Even if we are successful at making things fit our virtual picture we are likely to end up exhausted from the work and worry. We didn’t have a very enjoyable time.  Our experience of the event was largely an experience of stress and worry in our mind and hard work in the real world.  We stressed and willed things to turn out just like planned but ended up not enjoying them that much.  The only satisfaction is in the mission of the virtual reality accomplished but no enjoyment in the moment.   More likely though we didn’t make holiday event fit our virtual formula of “perfect” and react with disappointment, self judgment at failure, or even anger.

Sometimes the tension and worry we feel and why we work so hard to control things is because we want so desperately to avoid the painful emotional reaction our mind will have if expectations are not met.

There is another solution to all this holiday stress.  We don’t have to stress and work hard to control all the variables and make all people, events, decorations, music, food, and conversation fit your mind’s imagined script of “just right.”  The other option is to be aware of your beliefs that make up the virtual reality version and do some mental stretching.  Make your expectation beliefs flexible so they fit closer to reality. You might do this from the start.  Or if something happens during the execution phase of the plan (your plane is delayed due to weather) you adjust your expectation beliefs right then.   With some practice you will find that it is much easier to change the scripted expectations in your virtual reality than it is to change events and people.

There is nothing wrong with trying to make life and events what you want them to be.  That’s not a problem.  The problem is when we automatically follow this agenda that we fail to be aware of what we can not change.  Being aware of the virtual reality desires and consciously modifying them when needed gives us a way to reduce and even eliminate the stress of the holiday season.  It’s also how you can lower your stress all year round.

One of the hidden beliefs behind stress is that we can control all things, all things.  We might intellectually know that we can’t control everything.  We might remind our selves that we can’t, but underneath the thought we still believe that we can. It is a false belief that adds to our stress and results in controlling behavior even when we intellectually “know” better.  Intellectual ideas and thoughts of rationality don’t change emotional beliefs.

Telling our self,   “Oh I should just relax because I know that I can’t control everything,” is not an effective antidote to stress. It can help, but probably won’t fully dissolve the tension and feelings of stress.  In some cases it can actually add to the stress problem.

The thought, “I should just relax and enjoy what is going on,” can actually add stress.  How could a helpful reminder actually cause more stress?  This added stress is caused the same way that celebrating the holidays causes stress.   In the virtual reality of our mind we create an image of how we should be relaxed and enjoying things.  But that virtual version of our self doesn’t match with our real self.  Our real self is still stressed, worried, and maybe frantic.  There is a disparity between our stressed self and our imagined self that should be relaxed.  The difference between our real self and virtual relaxed self sets up another layer of tension.  We are not what the virtual story our mind says we should be and that induces more emotional stress.

We may have the intellectual thought about being relaxed, but ideas aren’t usually enough to change beliefs driving our emotions and behaviors.

Actual relaxing would entail taking a deep breath, feeling it, putting attention on where your muscles are tight in your body and relaxing them, observing the chatter in your mind and laughing at it, taking a moment to notice the beauty and the people around you  etc.  This would be actually relaxing.  But telling your self to do it and doing it are two different things. I suggest relaxing in those moments of stress, don’t just tell your self to do it.   If you find your self telling your self to relax, then please actually do some of these things.

Our Reactions:  “ You’ve Ruined Christmas”

Planning is good, helpful, and even necessary to get things done. The desire and effort to make things beautiful and enjoyable are to be commended.  But what happens when decorations, events, people, or the stuffing doesn’t come out just right?  We react with disappointment, frustration, sadness or anger?   These emotional reactions are clues that our belief system has a virtual reality version different from reality.

With the myriad of events going on this month, something is going to get overlooked, be out of budget, or there just won’t be time for it.   The person responsible for the stuffing might use the wrong sausage (yes a little spicy sausage makes it amazing) or the wrong apples, or no apples at all. Maybe somebody got apple pie instead of your favorite pumpkin, or the turkey is a little dry.  In our mind the most important element of the meal didn’t get met.  The first, and sometimes the only interpretation from the belief system is, “the stuffing (or fill in your own dish) was ruined.  Maybe with all the expectations of our virtual reality about every detail we’ve built up a big reservoir of emotional stress.  Perhaps with so many things not getting met we are filled with disappointment, frustration or anger.  We build up a reservoir of emotion and not it is under pressure.  That emotion wants to vent out. It doesn’t feel good to us to keep it under pressure.  It sees the disappointment with the stuffing as the opportunity and the reservoir of emotion bursts.  Our thoughts and comments about the stuffing exaggerate to “Now the whole meal is ruined”.  With enough emotion we can even feel that “Christmas is ruined.”

At that point we aren’t really experiencing the Holiday. What we are feeling and experiencing is our own emotions.  Those emotions are there largely as a result of the expectations in our mind not getting met.  Those expectations in the virtual reality of our belief system are something that we are responsible for, and that we can change.  It’s not that the meal was wrong, it is that the meal was “wrong” according to the virtual version in our mind of what was “right.”   At that moment you might not be able to change the stuffing, the pie, the turkey, or what someone said, but you can change the belief in your mind, and that will change how you emotionally experience your Holiday.  Changing your beliefs is not only a way to avoid the stress in the preparation phase, but to avoid the emotional reactions in the execution phase.

Maybe you won’t be completely successful at your attempt to have a stress- free holiday this year.  But with some guidance from the Self Mastery course, and some practice, perhaps you will make some changes and be on the path to making every holiday a happy one.

One other thing that will help with Holiday Stress

Nobody else has your script of the Perfect Holiday.  Your child might have a big story (read virtual reality version) of what will make Christmas perfect. For him or her it might be a particular present they want.  You sister’s preferred recipe for stuffing doesn’t include sausage.  (Hard to believe but it is possible.  Maybe she is vegetarian.)  For her, putting sausage in the stuffing ruins the dish.  She doesn’t eat turkey so the stuffing is the meal and now the meal is ruined.  She has a lot of her virtual reality expectations not getting met and her stress disappointment, sadness, and anger is building.

In your script of the perfect holiday, your odd Uncle or grandpa doesn’t tell the same story that you hate every year.  In reality, he does tell that story.  He loves telling that story.  He can’t wait for the holiday meal so he can tell that story again.  The point here is that everyone has developed expectations about this time of year.  The person next to you has expectations in the virtual reality of their mind about how people and things should be, and how they shouldn’t be.  And I’m willing to bet that their version is different than yours.   Each of your versions will be different.  If you try to impose your will and make everything perfect to your version, you might just be “ruining their Christmas.”

Maybe this holiday season the solution to a happier, stress free holiday is a spirit of giving.  Perhaps this year we give up some of your expectations.  Specifically virtual reality expectation in the mind that cause us to stress and then react when things don’t go as expected.  The first step in this path to happiness is to be aware of what your expectations are.

By giving up things in your belief system you can let someone else have it their way.  This is a simple way to help share some joy.  Some people distort this to mean that they are giving in.  In reality you are using the opportunity to free your self from the limiting beliefs that cause you stress and unhappiness.  So in truth, you are giving your self the opportunity to experience greater freedom and happiness.  It’s a gift that serves your happiness, and those around you.  Freedom from the limiting beliefs that cause you emotional stress and unhappiness is a great gift to give your self this holiday season. And any other season as well.

I wish Many Blessings to You, your family, and friends this year and next.  May you experience the emotional feeling of happiness, love, and joy every day of your life.

Gary van Warmerdam

PS.  As a reminder of the many blessings you have, you might take the time and listen to session 1 of the Free Self Mastery series on Gratitude.

The problem didn’t start here.  There’s been tension for years.  Three years ago he looked out into the future and realized that at a certain point the kids would be moved out and it would just be the two of them.  He thought he should do something to improve the situation and get closer with his wife as there wasn’t much connection there.  Attempts to communicate and share lead nowhere.  His efforts to be more affectionate were rebuked.  He would try to talk and she didn’t want to.  After years of failing you just stop trying.  Wanting some kind of connection, and not finding it at home he began perusing the internet.  This led to more problems with his wife.

When Jake is in his townhome he’s afraid of being alone and not having anyone for the rest of his life.  Old patterns of jealousy from high school resurfaced.   Late at night his head is filled with annoying thoughts about what she is doing.  He feels compelled to get in his car and drive over to her house (his old house).  As an engineer he is intellectually smart enough to know it is silly.  At the same time, there are forces of emotion driving him to behaviors he doesn’t want to do.  He goes back to his small townhouse, and is sad at the direction of his new life.  He longs for a happier time with his wife.  If only she would open up to him he hopes.  That would change everything.

Jake is considering the financial costs of divorce.  He doesn’t like it.  On top of that, he’s feeling that his 13 year old daughter is being corrupted by what his wife is telling her.   He is being made out to be the bad guy.  Jake shares all this and then asks me, “What should I do?”

“Would you like a silver bullet solution to the problems?”  I ask.

“Yes,” he says with hope.

We hope for such an answer.  As we hope, we focus all our attention on that fantasy of how life could be different if only…. (fill in the blank… with some bit about how we or someone else should be different than they are).

I tell Jake, “You have a Tree Problem.”

“What?”  he says with a sense of confusion.

“You have a Tree Problem,” I say again as if that explains everything.

“I don’t understand,” Jake replies. “What do you mean I have a Tree Problem.”

My little diversion trick is working.  His focus has shifted a tiny bit to my comment and with it his emotions have changed. His attention is no longer fixated completely fixed on his problem.   He’s off balance with my little Judo response and that makes it easier to move him a bit further.  Curiosity and confusion is a big step away from sadness and hopelessness.  It’s also a better state to make changes and work on things from.  He’s already taken two steps out of feeling trapped and hopeless and he hasn’t realized it yet.

I begin to explain the “Tree Problem”.

If you have a big tree in your backyard and you want to get rid of it, can you go over to it and push it out?  No.  You will push and push, make your self tired and after a while you will feel defeated.  You will conclude that you are not strong enough, a failure, feel overwhelmed, and that it is hopeless.  That tree is too big with all it’s branches, not to mention it is also rooted to the ground.  But what if you get an ax?  Maybe it is a dull ax.  You hack away at the trunk and spend all day and make it half way through.  You might look at that tree and conclude that you haven’t accomplished a thing because the tree is still there.  It’s a poor assessment of progress but it is the a common misinterpretation we make when working on our own issues.

What if you got a file for your ax?   Your ax would be sharper and you might have gotten it down in the first day.  You wouldn’t have gotten it down in the first swing, but maybe in the first day.  For a really big tree, maybe it would take a couple days.  Of course a chain saw would be faster.  Perhaps it comes down in a few minutes.  But with a chain saw you need other items as well.  You need a sharp chain and that requires a different kind of file.  You’ll need oil to lubricate the chain and gasoline to run the chain saw. It might take a bit more work to get the tools and equipment, but you could take the tree down faster.  Of course there is fear in making such changes.  What if in making all these changes the tree falls on our house.  There’s fear in solving a tree problem because there’s going to be consequences in other areas of our life.

Now even if you get that chain saw and fell that big tree in your backyard the job isn’t done.  It’s laying on the ground and it’s too big to move.  So you take your saw or your ax and you start cutting off the limbs.  You cut the trunk into short lengths.  Then you take your ax and split the large trunk logs into pieces small enough to move.  Once each is piece small enough you can pick it up and move it out of your back yard.  That’s how you solve a tree problem.  You break it down into a bunch of manageable size pieces that you can handle.

If we look at a situation like Jake’s and try to solve it with one stroke or in one day we will feel overwhelmed and helpless.  It can’t be done. We can’t see an solution much less a way to get there.   Often when we face such issues like divorce we are dealing with circumstances and problems we have never faced before.  We do not have the tools or the training to deal with splitting out the finances, addressing the challenges our children, will go through, the emotions we will go through, or the prospect of starting a new life.  We might be educated, successful, professional adults, but we find ourself in a situation we have no tools, training, or experience in handling.  We are facing a tree that doesn’t want to move and we can’t come up with any silver bullet solutions like we are used applying in other areas of our life.  Our silver bullet answers seem to revolve around someone else changing and they don’t seem to want to.

Why is Jake looking for a bullet to address his Tree Problem?  Somewhere in his belief system he assumes there is one.  You can tell because he is looking and asking for one.  It keeps him running in circles chasing a hope filled dream instead of focusing on tools and actions that will work.

That tree isn’t going to be removed by a bullet and the sooner he realizes that the sooner he will stop wasting time looking for one.  It’s an uncomfortable truth to accept, but the pain is very short lived compared to living in never ending hope and frustration that happens when we chase an illusion based answer.

If it was a gopher in his yard maybe it could be solved with one well-placed bullet.  But Jake clearly has a Tree Problem.  There are many different branches.  Coming to terms with the end of his marriage, overcoming his jealousy issues, dividing up the finances, becoming comfortable in his new life, and communicating all these changes to his 13 year old daughter are all branches of the same tree.  It’s going to take more than a week to deal with each branch.

So how do you solve a Tree Problem?

Like hiking to the top of a mountain, one step at a time .  There will be times on the trail you are going up, and times you are going downhill losing elevation.  But even when you seem to be losing elevation you will be moving forward on your path.   Most of the time you won’t be able to see the top where you hope to end up.  You have to have some faith that it will be okay when you get there.  You also can’t imagine what it will look like from up there because you have never been there before.  What you can do is keep taking care of the step in front of you.  Putting one foot in front of the other is how you make a long journey.   One step at a time on your Pathway To Happiness, that’s how you get there.   There are some possibilities for short cuts at times, but you have to be walking on the path to find them.  You’ll often find clues to those short cuts from people who are familiar with the pathway.

So I leave you with a couple clarifying and hopefully practical questions to ask about the challenges and changes you are faced with?

Do you have a gopher problem or do you have a Tree Problem?

And do the type of solutions you are looking for fit the type of problem you have?   If not, are you trapped in a cycle of hope for a quick fix solution and frustration that you can’t find one?  If you realize you are in such a trap then you’ve taken another step on your Pathway To Happiness.

More practical steps are available in the Self Mastery Course, The Relationship Course, and The Self Mastery Advanced Series.

I understand that an agreement can be changed regarding an emotional reaction.  But, people do move to California for better weather, or move away from Los Angeles to get away from traffic, or in your case, you said that there are people you just don’t want to have lunch with anymore.  To me, these are preferences.  I’m not sure how you would distinguish a preference from an emotional reaction.  It’s the emotional reaction that causes the preference?

Thank you JJS

Hi, JJS,

Yes circumstances and our preferences for certain circumstances make a difference but there is another factor that we have to consider.  That there are beliefs in our mind that are playing a part as well and that is something we can change.

At the other extreme we can take Nelson Mandela who was unjustly imprisoned for 27 years.  He walks out with no bitterness and no sense of victimization or hate.  He forgives his captors as if he never judged them to begin with.  His emotional state contradicts his circumstances.   So what is really causing his emotional state to be in such a way?  It is not his circumstances.  So what is it?  I propose that it is the interpretations in our mind that we believe in,, or don’t believe in.   If we can find these beliefs in our mind, and change them, then we can change our emotional state without having to change other people, or even our self.

So I have avoided the question.  Where and when are our emotions caused by our beliefs and where and when are they being determined by our circumstances.   The only way to find out is to honestly and ruthlessly challenge the beliefs and see where  our emotions shift.  When they do not, then perhaps we are dealing with a circumstance issue.  But we can not be sure that is the case until we have removed any possible beliefs that are interfering.   In summary, what I am saying is that I can not answer the question for you.  You have to discover it for your self.

Happy Hunting,

Gary

In response to one of the free exercises in the Self Mastery course.

]]> http://www.pathwaytohappiness.com/happiness/2010/08/21/power-over-happiness/feed/ 0 http://www.pathwaytohappiness.com/happiness/2010/04/04/definition-fear/ http://www.pathwaytohappiness.com/happiness/2010/04/04/definition-fear/#comments Sun, 04 Apr 2010 17:48:19 +0000 Gerard van Warmerdam http://www.pathwaytohappiness.com/happiness/?p=249 Some people say FEAR is False Evidence Appearing Real.

That’s a nice acronym.   It’s catchy.   It’s also not true.

Calling it False Evidence is saying that fear is an illusion or a lie.  Lies are made of words.  Fear is an emotion.

We can create fear as a reaction to believing illusions, lies, or false evidence.  But fear is not the illusion or false evidence.  There is the illusion we imagine in our mind, and then there is the emotion we create as a reaction.  Of course we only react with emotion when we believe it to be real.  It’s that believing part that makes the illusion APPEAR real.   You could say that we make the illusion appear real.   In any case, there is the appearance of things, and then there is how we create emotion as a reaction.

We can also create fear as a reaction to something that is a very real.  If you are flying in an airplane and it has an emergency where it is losing altitude you are likely to feel fear.  You don’t have to panic, but fear is probably going to be there.  The evidence isn’t false.  It’s real and the fear is too.   Evidence is not the same as emotion.  Not all fear is from false evidence, and so our catchy phrase about what fear is false at times.

A person can also come to complete acceptance of their mortality and the letting go of their body when they come face to face with death.  In this case there is evidence of something real like the passing of their body, and yet no fear.  Perhaps that is because in that moment there exists no presence of any illusions about death.  There is a only a complete presence and acceptance of a coming experience for their body.  Without making up any beliefs about death there is no fear.

Fear is not False Evidence.  Nor is Fear Evidence Appearing Real.   We can create fear as  a reaction to false evidence or real experience.  Fear is an emotion we create.  It is often created as a reaction to things, but with enough awareness it doesn’t have to be.

That definition of fear is kind of catchy.  The problem with catchy is there’s usually too much distortion in those catchy phrases.  The phrase about Fear being False Evidence Appearing Real is at least pointing our attention to the fact that we may be reacting to an illusion.  On the other hand,,, the catchy phrase itself is also false and misleading testimony about fear.  The result is that, at best, we are dispelling one illusion in our mind while we are creating another.

For other insights, listen to the Free Audio

For a step by step program in identifying and changing core beliefs, listen to the audio in the Self Mastery Course. The first few sessions are free.

When you ask this question to someone else,,, you are opening the door to giving away your personal power and creating a victim mindset.   This is a dangerous question to ask.  At the same time guidance can be helpful.

In the early stages of our personal development we ask many questions.  In the beginning the questions are general, unfocused, and many times harmful.  We aren’t aware of how powerful a question can be at controlling our attention and occupying our mind with very limited ways of thinking.  Usually we are in a unhappy or confused state when we ask these types of questions.  And the types of questions that arise from this mind set act to reinforce the very emotions we are trying to get out of.       

What are some better questions to ask?

What is the kind thing to do?
What is the respectful thing to do?
What is the compassionate thing to do?
What do I not want?
How will I treat myself?
How will I treat others?
How do I want to feel?

Learning to ask better questions is a skill.  Like any skill it can take time.  However the more we are aware of the questions we ask, the less automatic they are.  The more aware of each question our mind asks, and the automated way our imagination and emotions respond the better we will get at asking questions.

The most common of beginner question is, “What should I do?”   Why is this such a poor question to ask when we are wrapped up in emotional issues?  That question can lead us back into the same negative belief structure that asked it.

The question implies or assumes that there is a particularly “right” answer.  Whenever we are looking for the “right” answer our mind flips into a mode of duality and looks at things in a right/wrong split.  All answers that are not the “right” answer are classified as wrong.  There can be one thousand wrong.  You can imagine a poor outcome with any action you take thereby making the action appear wrong.  All of these with any possible negative outcome are classified as “wrong.”  It is assumed that the “right” or “should” action will result in everything being right and everyone being happy.  It’s a very high standard of perfection that is implied when we use the word “should” or “right.”  

This very high, and often unreasonable expectation sets us up for feeling like a failure.

Having an image of perfection or an expectation in and of itself isn’t the really bad part.  It could even be good when it motivates us to take action or inspire creativity.   The bad part is that the mental construct of an image of perfection sets you up for two rounds of self judgment.

Once you adopt this mental construct of what you “should” do, you also build a self image of the kind of person you should be.  So now there are two images of perfection.  One is of the action that leads to the perfect outcome.  The second image of perfection is more personal. It is of who you should be.  There can be more perfection images in the mind such as, how everyone else should feel, that can complicate this even further, but lets keep it simple for now.

With these two imaginary images the voice of the inner judge now has two concepts it can use for comparison.  With its typical method of comparison there can only be two outcomes.  The best outcome possible is that you meet the expectations of your belief system.  No praise here.  All you did was what was expected of you.  With your greatest effort you broke even by meeting expectations of your belief system.

The second outcome isn’t that kind.  For any lesser action, even the emotional reactions of another person that you can’t control, the inner judge criticizes you.  “I could have (should have” done that differently.”  The second judgment follows the first.  If you didn’t succeed in achieving the image of perfection outcome then you failed.  If you failed, then that means you are a failure.  It’s a simple duality based conclusion the judge and victim voices in your head do automatically.  The result is self rejection in the form of a self judgment.

This self rejection happens in your own head and can be emotionally powerful.  When we are preoccupied trying to answer the question, “What should I do?” our attention is so wrapped up in the importance of figuring out the right thing to do that we don’t see this set up to self judgment.

Why is our attention so wrapped up with figuring out the “right” thing we “should” do?  Somewhere in our sub-conscious belief system we sense that the painful self judgment will come if we do things wrong.  We are afraid of the painful self judgment from our inner judge and we seek to avoid it.   We feel the pressure to get things “right” but don’t notice that much of the motivation is really about avoiding the pain of self judgment that is going to be generated in our imagination.

We feel the pressure from the voices in our head but don’t notice that this is just our imagination and belief system at work.  It usually takes a person a while to realize that this emotional self abuse is optional.   We are so used to self judgment by the time we are adults that we accept this as an unchangeable reality.  Then the only solution to avoid the punishment that we perceive is to get the answer “right.”   And “right” means perfect where everyone is satisfied.  Of course we don’t notice that this standard assumes that everyone will interpret the action and the outcome free from any judge and victim perspectives.  (not likely)

It can be very helpful to seek help, guidance, and support.  However we can help our self more when we are mindful of the questions we ask and how their underlying assumptions can be setting us up for self judgment.

Be Mindful When Asking for Help

I’m all for advice.  I like to pick the brains and perspective of seasoned individuals that have proven results in an area.  It can save us a lot of time in learning so we don’t have to figure everything out on our own.  What I am not in favor of is collecting of images of perfection that the inner judge uses as an expectation to measure our self worth.  The next time you ask someone, “What should I do?” take a moment to notice whether your inner judge might use their answer in a conspiracy of self-judgment against you.

Please don’t ask me to give you advice about what you “should” do.  I probably won’t answer you directly.  If I answer your question in the format you expect, then I am providing you with an image of a perfection for an outcome that may or may not be achievable.   You are asking an image of perfection that the inner judge can use.   I’m probably going to try to do you the favor of not feeding this structure of beliefs.  My answer might come back as a question or redirect your attention to looking at the situation differently.

Some people will have a reaction to this.  They will get upset because I haven’t answered directly.  They are so fixated on getting things “right” that they feel cheated when avoid the trap their belief system is making.   I know that person is upset because their only hope to avoid painful self judgment is to get the answer of what they “should” do.  And any delay in getting that answer has them slipping further into the jaws of the self judgment for getting it “wrong.”

I apologize for not answering directly.  But I’m not trying to satisfy your hope of getting things right.  I’m actually trying to save you from a much bigger problem. The bigger problem is that painful self judgment and the fear it creates drives the mind to believe that the “right” answer is the only hope.

Please don’t ask me to conspire with the trap your belief system creates with  self judgments.  At the same time, it is okay and even advisable in most situations to seek counsel and guidance.  Just do your best to be aware and avoid this trap of self judgment.

If you have another question,,, a better question,,, I might give a more direct answer.  Look back to the beginning of this article for some ideas on how to ask a better question.  If these questions don’t apply, then ask other questions.  If you can’t come up with another question then ask, “What questions should I be asking?”    There are lots of ways that you can get help, support and guidance from people through sticky situations without building images of perfection that the judge will use.   
There are lots of questions that I work on asking that will help you to look at the situation differently.  There is a lot that can be done with perspective and inquiry that is extremely helpful without anyone telling you what you should do.

So if I don’t respond to your question of, “What should I do?” in a way that you expect then I hope this explains it.   I’m not trying to give you ice cubes so the pain from the fire stops.  I’m trying to help you put out the fire that you are sitting in.