Shawn Anchor explains how some of our beliefs about happiness and work may be backwards.  One important point he makes is that we should not delete the statistical outlier when it comes to happiness.  When actually, what we really should be noticing is the person who is happier than others, beyond any reasonable average. When it comes to achieving happiness, we should not be looking to achieve a statistical average.

“I’m a fat slob.  I’ve got to lose 20 lbs.  I’ll never be able to do it.  It’s too much. Maybe I’ll just go for a walk and start there. No!  That won’t do it.  That’s not enough.  You need more than that. You need to go for a run, a big run, a 10 mile run. If you workout really hard you can have a lean sculpted body.  You can even have six pack abs.   That’s what you need to do.  When you get fit like that you’ll feel awesome.

But you are going to need to watch what you eat too.  No more sugar, no more caramel macchiato coffee drinks.  No more desserts.  No more beer either, so stay away from happy hour after work and any social life with your friends.  You need to take this training seriously or not at all.

 No social life, no relaxing with a glass of wine, no wonderful desserts?  Just work and workouts? That’s no fun.  I think I’ll feel deprived of all the stuff I enjoy.  I’ll be miserable if I do that.  I don’t want that. Maybe I’ll just get some potato chips and see what is on TV.”

Then it starts again,,, from the beginning.  “I’m a fat slob.”

(Repeat from above)

The circular thinking resulted with my client on the couch watching television for a number of weeks.  Why are we trapped in unhealthy cycles like this?  It’s a function of our fear based and false beliefs.  These beliefs are lies.   Damn Lies.

When you look closer and study the beliefs held within these words you’ll see what holds this self destructive cycle together.  You’ll see how these thoughts lead our attention and look at certain things and not others.  How our attention goes into certain thoughts and builds whole imaginary dreams out of them.  Then we have emotional reactions to those imaginary dreams, and those emotional reactions cause more thoughts that take hold of our attention again.

I’m a fat slob.

It’s a self judgment: a verbal self rejection using the image of the body as a basis for self worth.  Basing our self worth on our body is an assumption and is the first lie.   Our self worth doesn’t have to be based on our body, but if it is, and you judge your body, you end up feeling emotions of unworthiness.   It’s a damn lie. But we can still create a lot of emotions by believing imagined lies.

I’ve got to lose 20 lbs. 

Maybe that emotional feeling of unworthiness is painful.  Maybe it hurts so much that you get motivated to change it.  So you decide to lose 20 lbs so you feel better about your self.   The problem here is that it wasn’t what your body looked like that made you feel bad.  What created the feeling of unworthiness was believing the lie about your self worth.  That was on top of the other lie of self being related to what your body looks like.

The proposed solution to feeling bad is to change our body even though it didn’t cause us to feel bad.  We lie to our self about the solution and change how we feel by changing what our mind is judging.  We believe changing our physical appearance will change how we feel emotionally. (Lie)  Our physical appearance can be amazing, but if we still believe a judgmental thought, our sense of worthiness doesn’t change at all.  But we get lulled into the effort of changing our body and ignore what goes on in our mind.  (more illusions)

I’ll never be able to do it.  It’s too much.

When we think of making a change our mind can imagine the shift in one step.  That’s not how change actually happens, but that’s why we call it imagination.  Because the imagination produces the new result immediately it didn’t fill in the actual action steps.  The mind has produced an illusion of success.  There is no plan with a step by step approach with time to execute it.  Without a scenario of how to get there, our common sense awareness kicks in and tells us the result looks impossible.  We conclude that the change is too much to do in one step.  Our conclusion is a truth, but it’s based on the lie of doing it in one step. So our thought becomes, “It’s too much.”   Our emotions go to failure and defeat.

Maybe I’ll just go for a walk and start there.

We back up and catch our self.  We begin to piece together some steps to get to our final goal of losing 20 lbs. (or whatever the amount you have I mind.)  We have a start and perhaps develop a sense of hope and possibility.

No!  That won’t do it.  That’s not enough.  You need more than that.

This thought came from a tyrannical voice of authority.  It was the side of Ben’s personality that was serious about getting things done.  It’s the voice in his head he puts in charge of hard projects requiring commitment.  There was some truth to what it said, and that made the rest of the thoughts hard to recognize as a lie.  Yes it was going to take more than one walk to get to the goal.   But it ignores the long term plan with many small steps necessary to complete a long journey.  The truth is that just getting off the couch and going for a walk might be enough to start with.

You need to go for a run, and a big run, a 10 mile run.

Here the tyrannical voice throws out another over reaching goal.  It wants’ to start off with a level of training Ben was at two years ago when he was doing a lot of training.  It’s one that isn’t going to be achieved so it’s a set up for failure.  The flag for the lie here is the word “NEED.”  Ben doesn’t need to go for a run and he certainly doesn’t need to do a 10 mile run.  That’s more likely to be self abusive and injure his body instead of make him healthier.

If you workout really hard you can have a lean sculpted body.  You can even have six pack abs.   That’s what you need to do. 

Here the conversation of voices in Ben’s head goes from abusive tyranny to a sales job.  It’s a beautiful story and it has a happy ending with lots of self images of the ego getting stroked in the process.  The salesman is trying to be his friend and get him on board with the lofty goals.  This illusion takes Ben’s attention away from the present moment and putting his shoes on for a walk.

When you get fit like that you’ll feel awesome. 

This is dangling a carrot out there and telling him his emotions of happiness are dependent on what his body looks like.  It’s a carrot made of good feeling emotions.  All it actually does is reinforce the NEED to run 10 miles story with and make it emotionally appealing so we want to believe the lie.  This is what I’ll call a damn lie.  It’s a lie that makes Ben feel good but has no basis in anything real.  It’s most dangerous because it cloaks the others lies behind this emotionally appealing self image.  It’s setting the goals too high and leads to disappointment. If we buy into the salesman’s pitch here we will have overspent on expectations.

But you are going to need to watch what you eat too.  No more sugar, no more caramel macchiato coffee drinks.  No more desserts.  No more beer either, so stay away from happy hour after work and any social life with your friends.  You need to take this training seriously or not at all. 

If we bought the lie the salesman was selling we feel committed now.  The underlying assumption is that it would be wrong to back out on our commitments.  That’s a lie too, mostly because what we are committed to are stories in the mind.  Once the salesman has got us on the hook with those feel good emotions that it linked to a fit body, it starts pushing for more.  Now it’s not enough to be committed and to run 10 miles at the first work out.  Now you have to give up everything else you enjoy in order to get that fit body.  The salesman just raised the price you have to pay before you can feel good.  Ben would be better off just going for a walk, but that’s not what the lies in his head tell him.

No social life, no relaxing with a glass of wine, no desserts?  Just work and workouts,,, that’s no fun.  I’ll feel deprived of so much I enjoy.  I’ll be miserable if I do that.  I don’t want that. 

There’s a truth in this lie as well.  You rightly figured out the salesman’s voice in your head raised the price and it was too high.  He wanted you to make your self miserable by going to an austerity plan living a fanatical lifestyle of workouts.  Truthfully this is too high a price.  Ben is not deciding to train for a triathlon.  However, the rejection of the extreme lifestyle is a general rejection of, “I don’t want to do “THAT.”   What is the “that” he is rejecting?  It’s called a healthy lifestyle.  The tricky lie is that the salesman bundled healthy lifestyle with a fanatical one.  We are saying NO to the fanatical part, but in the process we are unaware that our mind is throwing out moderate exercise and eating as well.  Another damn lie where the stuff we don’t want got mixed in with the lifestyle we do want.   Without awareness we throw out everything by believing the thought, “I don’t want that”.

Maybe I’ll just get some potato chips and see what is on TV.

When we consider the lies of a fanatical workout and social austerity lifestyle, our mind dreams an unhappy life.  Our natural instinct is to look for something that will make us happier.  At this point watching TV and eating potato chips looks like a good idea.  When we try it on in our imagination it feels a lot better than the last option.  It’s another damn lie that feels better.   We feel better for the moment but that’s only compared to an imaginary nightmare where we have no friends, no social life, and no fun.  The previous ugly scenario makes the couch feel like a relatively better lie.  It doesn’t feel genuinely good, just not as worse.  It’s also an illusion that distracts us from any small healthy steps like taking a walk and having a piece of fruit.

Of course that distraction only lasts until another familiar voice in Ben’s head proposes that he is overweight and should get off the couch.  The end result is that Ben’s imagination is running laps in a circle, but his body doesn’t get taken for a walk around the block.

If you want to get out of such a loop, then you need to get out of those lies, and damn lies.  How so you do that?  Become so aware of what is going on in your mind that you are able to see the lies in there for what they are.  When you are aware that the thoughts in your head are lies, you won’t believe them anymore.  Sometimes it’s not enough to have an opposing belief, or to try and think something else.  This does make pre-existing lies go away.  Just like the story above, these only moved Ben’s attention on to something else.

What helps to get rid of these types of lies is to become aware of the assumptions they are built on, and notice the lies within these assumptions.  That’s what I tried to do above.  I broke down each thought so you could see the underlying false beliefs (lies) they were built on. When you not only see a thought as a lie, but know WHY it is a lie, you are much less likely to fall for that tricky voice in your head the same way.

There are practical steps to learn how to do this in the Self Mastery course. 

Instead I liken it to cleaning.  Big cleaning, like a road or driveway after a flood. (Think of it as a Pathway if you want.)  First time through you go to work with a front end loader.  The road gets cleared and you can make your way.  But if you look around closely there is more that can be cleaned.  You go after it with a shovel.    It all gets scooped up.  After a while the shovel doesn’t pick anything up anymore so you think you are done.  But if you look more closely at the path, between the bumps in the asphalt there are granules of dirt and sand.  Granules that could sometimes collect in areas and create bumps or slick spots where it isn’t as safe to drive the car or brake.   So you get a broom and sweep.  Now this dust comes up that the shovel never touched.

It may seem like you are going over the same area covering the same issues and stories as before, and, like you might have failed to do a good job.  (Careful about a judge victim story like that.  Wouldn’t be the first time someone fell for it though. )   Truth was that you are showing  up as a different person now looking at the same issues and can do a more detailed cleaning that you couldn’t do the first time.  It made no sense to start with a broom.  You needed a front end loader the first time.  Now the front loader won’t do the job for these details that were hiding between the cracks and bumps.  So you have to go back over the area of the same story,,, but in a different way this time.  You the cleaner can be more thorough this time with your broom in a way that you couldn’t do with a shovel.    That’s why sometimes these same stories/issues have to be revisited again.

In a way the thing that you are cleaning is your Self from all the false beliefs and false images you carry around in your mind.   At the same time You are the cleaning instrument.  The first time around you,,, the instrument, were still pretty clouded and so you probably didn’t clean your self up 100%.  So now, after you’ve done a thorough inventory and let go a great many beliefs, you are cleaner.  You also are a more finely tuned instrument.  So when you go back and you look at the same set of beliefs that you cleaned up a year or two ago, you see them differently.  You can find the distortions now that you couldn’t see before.  You see the dust in the cracks and can sweep those thoughts out.  When you were using a shovel you didn’t have the skills as the cleaning instrument to finish the job.  Therefore returning to the same topic more than once isn’t a measurement of failure.  Rather it is a progression of your skills to refine, grow, and be more thorough and complete in your changes.

How many times do we say we are going to do something, and then don’t to it?   How many times do we say we are going to do something, notice we don’t do it, and still don’t do it?  We are procrastinating.  Even when we are aware we are procrastinating, we still procrastinate.  It makes you wonder what is really going on with us. More importantly, how do we stop procrastinating?

I like the anecdote, “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.” Procrastination is a pattern of good intentions.    As we dig deeper into the issue there is a natural follow up question, “If the road to hell is paved with good intentions, then what is the road to heaven paved with?”   “Humility.”  Says James Garner in a line from the movie Ya Ya Sisterhood.  Humility, or a softening of our ego mind has a lot to do with eliminating procrastination.

What is humility?  I checked my Word processing program for synonyms and the one I like best is “unassuming nature.”  Let us take it to mean no ego nature; no mask of a false self-image.  Humility is being authentic and genuine.  It is what is left when you strip away all the layers of ego we carry around as a mask.  So what does this have to do with procrastination?   Procrastination is a product of the ego mind.  It is those false layers of self image that are the root cause of our bad habits.  When we strip away the ego mind we get rid of the root causes of our procrastination.

When we are humble, or without ego, we say what we mean, and we do what we say.  We don’t pretend to others, or to our self, that we are something we are not.  Notice that nowhere do I relate being humble to being meek, weak, timid, or small.  Real humility comes with a quiet confidence that is a source of power and resolve.

So how does humility help break the pattern of procrastination and get on with what we really want?  It all begins with awareness.

The ego and the false self images of the mind tricks us into procrastinating.  When you are aware of these tricks you can avoid falling for them.  To help develop this awareness we’ll start by looking at the your belief system and ego and see how they work.

Why Do We Procrastinate

Let’s first look at how and why the ego mind causes us to create procrastination.  The first noticeable action is that we make a declaration of a good intention for our self or someone else.  We’ll use the example of meditating.  We make a declaration, either in our thoughts or out loud to someone else, “I’m going to start meditating.”  In our imagination we create an image of our self sitting serenely.   We essentially make a movie in our mind with our self image as the main character.  We are doing something good, we are feeling good, and the most important thing is that we feel good about our self in our little mental movie.  Every time we think about meditating and say we are going to start we project that good self image in our little mental movie. It all happens in about 1.5 seconds.  Then it is done.  In our mind we have accomplished the task and we go on with the next thought the mind has.

What this imaginary movie does is satisfy the mind’s need for to control our attention for a little bit and give us a sense of identification with the character in our projection.  In the process we get a nice feeling as we identify with a positive self image in our mental movie.   It is the belief that we are the character in this mental movie that serves the ego and gives us a small emotional boost.

But the ego is not done yet.  It is a bit more complicated than just the singular image from one story.  We actually have many images or aspects from the ego mind that we identify with. One of the common mental movie stories we project is of failure.  Our mind projects a story of us failing or not measuring up in some way and casts a different self image in the starring role.  Sometimes this happens in 1.5 seconds also.   It happens when we think about failing, or other people judging us, or being told no.   In any imagined story like that we are again the main character but in this story we are a failure, or are rejected.  In these mental movies we identify with the failure image and believe that the projected self image in the mental movie is us.  When we are unaware and do not distinguish between our Self, and the image of our self in our mental movie out ego has effectively taken us for an emotional ride.  In this false identification we believe we are the character in our thoughts.   In fact, this is only a facet of the ego.

So far we have both a success image that is a facet of the ego and a failure image that is a facet of the ego.  In the procrastination scenario the ego’s success image gets reinforced by us telling our self we are going to meditate.  The failure image gets reinforced when we don’t meditate.

Each day we don’t meditate the mind projects an image of our selves failing.  Each time we imagine that we will meditating we identify with that positive self image.  Each time we think about meditating we project one of these two images and identify with the success image or the failure image, or both.  When we think about meditating and don’t do it but we reinforce both false images of the ego.  It is these false images of the ego that get served and become stronger.  The detrimental aspect of this is only seen when you are aware that the mental projection of self isn’t you at all.

The Ego Mind on it’s Own

The failure image of the ego mind actually needs you to NOT meditate.  If you actually started meditating regularly, the failure based self image would have no basis for being.  We would no longer identify with the failure image.  If I say I am going to meditate, and then I do it, I have no reason to judge my self as a failure.  Of course the ego mind is likely to adapt in other ways.  Our mind will project that we should be meditating more, longer, our posture should be better, our mind should be quieter, and we should be having blessed out Samadhi experiences by now.  Since this isn’t happening the first week or month the ego mind will project that we are failing, and that we are doing something wrong.  This is just the false images of the ego mind trying in various ways for reinforcement by false identification.

When we don’t reinforce the failure image in our mind it makes the ego very uncomfortable.  The ego self image begins to feel like it is dying.  We might think that if a negative image were dying that we would feel better about our self, but that is not the case.  The collapsing false image in the mind creates a feeling that is very uncomfortable.  We go through all sorts of emotions as the false image that we believe is our identity is threatened.

When this agitation happens the mind becomes very busy with various mechanisms of distraction, deception, and denial trying to get us to not meditate.  It directs us to forget for a while that we said we were going to do it.  Then reminds us at a much later date that we didn’t do it so it can reinforce the belief we are the failure character in our mental movie.

When we think that we are going to sit down and meditate the mind senses the death of the failure image and comes up with numerous other things we could and should be doing.  Yes we got busy and the house is clean, laundry is done, bills paid, and the yard is looking pretty good.  Now there is no time to meditate, or we are too tired to meditate.  In this strategy the ego mind has won the game of distractions until we run out of time, energy, or both.  Then it waits an hour or a day, or a week, and reminds us that we failed to do what we said we were going to do.  It uses the situation to project a mental movie with us as the main character that failed.  If we identify with that failure character in our mind then the ego mind is not challenged and is comfortable again.  Yes we feel like an unworthy loser that has failed, but the ego mind is comfortable with that because it doesn’t feel like it is going to die.  Such is the challenge of not identifying with the images of your ego mind.

This article continued at Causes of Procrastination II

You can find practices and exercises for changing the core beliefs causing procrastination
in The Self Mastery Course on this site.

From the TED Talks Archives:

We can’t solve our problems by laying down a set of rules and pretending that following them to the letter will produce desired results. There are consequences for having rules, and they are not always good.

It is the best of times.  It is the worst of times.  It’s that time of year when we have more parties, social gatherings, big meals with family, presents, beautiful music, all celebrated in our best attire.  It can also be the most emotionally stressful of times as well.  How does that happen?

What produces stress?  Stress can be created by a difference between reality, and our mentally projected version of reality, or a mentally projected version of what reality “should be.”   This mentally projected version of reality is what I like to call “Virtual Reality.”   When our Virtual Reality expectations don’t match with real life, we feel uncomfortable tension emotionally.  We can call that feeling stress.  But it doesn’t stop there.

We then have the impulse to feel better.  This is perfectly natural and a good thing.  Except the way that we go about trying to “fix” things or make changes can make things worse. The assumed solution to changing this feeling is to make reality fit our mental virtual reality.  We try to change people and everything in our life assuming it will make us feel better.   Our thoughts focus on “making every issue perfect” and worrying about what might fail to meet our mental virtual reality.  We work extra hard to control those variables of people, food, decorations, lighting, timing, music, parking, and even other peoples emotions to make things “just right.”  However, “just right” is really a reference to what our belief system has defined as “just right.”  And all of this is to satisfy that made up world of a belief system in our imagination.

Even if we are successful at making things fit our virtual picture we are likely to end up exhausted from the work and worry. We didn’t have a very enjoyable time.  Our experience of the event was largely an experience of stress and worry in our mind and hard work in the real world.  We stressed and willed things to turn out just like planned but ended up not enjoying them that much.  The only satisfaction is in the mission of the virtual reality accomplished but no enjoyment in the moment.   More likely though we didn’t make holiday event fit our virtual formula of “perfect” and react with disappointment, self judgment at failure, or even anger.

Sometimes the tension and worry we feel and why we work so hard to control things is because we want so desperately to avoid the painful emotional reaction our mind will have if expectations are not met.

There is another solution to all this holiday stress.  We don’t have to stress and work hard to control all the variables and make all people, events, decorations, music, food, and conversation fit your mind’s imagined script of “just right.”  The other option is to be aware of your beliefs that make up the virtual reality version and do some mental stretching.  Make your expectation beliefs flexible so they fit closer to reality. You might do this from the start.  Or if something happens during the execution phase of the plan (your plane is delayed due to weather) you adjust your expectation beliefs right then.   With some practice you will find that it is much easier to change the scripted expectations in your virtual reality than it is to change events and people.

There is nothing wrong with trying to make life and events what you want them to be.  That’s not a problem.  The problem is when we automatically follow this agenda that we fail to be aware of what we can not change.  Being aware of the virtual reality desires and consciously modifying them when needed gives us a way to reduce and even eliminate the stress of the holiday season.  It’s also how you can lower your stress all year round.

One of the hidden beliefs behind stress is that we can control all things, all things.  We might intellectually know that we can’t control everything.  We might remind our selves that we can’t, but underneath the thought we still believe that we can. It is a false belief that adds to our stress and results in controlling behavior even when we intellectually “know” better.  Intellectual ideas and thoughts of rationality don’t change emotional beliefs.

Telling our self,   “Oh I should just relax because I know that I can’t control everything,” is not an effective antidote to stress. It can help, but probably won’t fully dissolve the tension and feelings of stress.  In some cases it can actually add to the stress problem.

The thought, “I should just relax and enjoy what is going on,” can actually add stress.  How could a helpful reminder actually cause more stress?  This added stress is caused the same way that celebrating the holidays causes stress.   In the virtual reality of our mind we create an image of how we should be relaxed and enjoying things.  But that virtual version of our self doesn’t match with our real self.  Our real self is still stressed, worried, and maybe frantic.  There is a disparity between our stressed self and our imagined self that should be relaxed.  The difference between our real self and virtual relaxed self sets up another layer of tension.  We are not what the virtual story our mind says we should be and that induces more emotional stress.

We may have the intellectual thought about being relaxed, but ideas aren’t usually enough to change beliefs driving our emotions and behaviors.

Actual relaxing would entail taking a deep breath, feeling it, putting attention on where your muscles are tight in your body and relaxing them, observing the chatter in your mind and laughing at it, taking a moment to notice the beauty and the people around you  etc.  This would be actually relaxing.  But telling your self to do it and doing it are two different things. I suggest relaxing in those moments of stress, don’t just tell your self to do it.   If you find your self telling your self to relax, then please actually do some of these things.

Our Reactions:  “ You’ve Ruined Christmas”

Planning is good, helpful, and even necessary to get things done. The desire and effort to make things beautiful and enjoyable are to be commended.  But what happens when decorations, events, people, or the stuffing doesn’t come out just right?  We react with disappointment, frustration, sadness or anger?   These emotional reactions are clues that our belief system has a virtual reality version different from reality.

With the myriad of events going on this month, something is going to get overlooked, be out of budget, or there just won’t be time for it.   The person responsible for the stuffing might use the wrong sausage (yes a little spicy sausage makes it amazing) or the wrong apples, or no apples at all. Maybe somebody got apple pie instead of your favorite pumpkin, or the turkey is a little dry.  In our mind the most important element of the meal didn’t get met.  The first, and sometimes the only interpretation from the belief system is, “the stuffing (or fill in your own dish) was ruined.  Maybe with all the expectations of our virtual reality about every detail we’ve built up a big reservoir of emotional stress.  Perhaps with so many things not getting met we are filled with disappointment, frustration or anger.  We build up a reservoir of emotion and not it is under pressure.  That emotion wants to vent out. It doesn’t feel good to us to keep it under pressure.  It sees the disappointment with the stuffing as the opportunity and the reservoir of emotion bursts.  Our thoughts and comments about the stuffing exaggerate to “Now the whole meal is ruined”.  With enough emotion we can even feel that “Christmas is ruined.”

At that point we aren’t really experiencing the Holiday. What we are feeling and experiencing is our own emotions.  Those emotions are there largely as a result of the expectations in our mind not getting met.  Those expectations in the virtual reality of our belief system are something that we are responsible for, and that we can change.  It’s not that the meal was wrong, it is that the meal was “wrong” according to the virtual version in our mind of what was “right.”   At that moment you might not be able to change the stuffing, the pie, the turkey, or what someone said, but you can change the belief in your mind, and that will change how you emotionally experience your Holiday.  Changing your beliefs is not only a way to avoid the stress in the preparation phase, but to avoid the emotional reactions in the execution phase.

Maybe you won’t be completely successful at your attempt to have a stress- free holiday this year.  But with some guidance from the Self Mastery course, and some practice, perhaps you will make some changes and be on the path to making every holiday a happy one.

One other thing that will help with Holiday Stress

Nobody else has your script of the Perfect Holiday.  Your child might have a big story (read virtual reality version) of what will make Christmas perfect. For him or her it might be a particular present they want.  You sister’s preferred recipe for stuffing doesn’t include sausage.  (Hard to believe but it is possible.  Maybe she is vegetarian.)  For her, putting sausage in the stuffing ruins the dish.  She doesn’t eat turkey so the stuffing is the meal and now the meal is ruined.  She has a lot of her virtual reality expectations not getting met and her stress disappointment, sadness, and anger is building.

In your script of the perfect holiday, your odd Uncle or grandpa doesn’t tell the same story that you hate every year.  In reality, he does tell that story.  He loves telling that story.  He can’t wait for the holiday meal so he can tell that story again.  The point here is that everyone has developed expectations about this time of year.  The person next to you has expectations in the virtual reality of their mind about how people and things should be, and how they shouldn’t be.  And I’m willing to bet that their version is different than yours.   Each of your versions will be different.  If you try to impose your will and make everything perfect to your version, you might just be “ruining their Christmas.”

Maybe this holiday season the solution to a happier, stress free holiday is a spirit of giving.  Perhaps this year we give up some of your expectations.  Specifically virtual reality expectation in the mind that cause us to stress and then react when things don’t go as expected.  The first step in this path to happiness is to be aware of what your expectations are.

By giving up things in your belief system you can let someone else have it their way.  This is a simple way to help share some joy.  Some people distort this to mean that they are giving in.  In reality you are using the opportunity to free your self from the limiting beliefs that cause you stress and unhappiness.  So in truth, you are giving your self the opportunity to experience greater freedom and happiness.  It’s a gift that serves your happiness, and those around you.  Freedom from the limiting beliefs that cause you emotional stress and unhappiness is a great gift to give your self this holiday season. And any other season as well.

I wish Many Blessings to You, your family, and friends this year and next.  May you experience the emotional feeling of happiness, love, and joy every day of your life.

Gary van Warmerdam

PS.  As a reminder of the many blessings you have, you might take the time and listen to session 1 of the Free Self Mastery series on Gratitude.

The problem didn’t start here.  There’s been tension for years.  Three years ago he looked out into the future and realized that at a certain point the kids would be moved out and it would just be the two of them.  He thought he should do something to improve the situation and get closer with his wife as there wasn’t much connection there.  Attempts to communicate and share lead nowhere.  His efforts to be more affectionate were rebuked.  He would try to talk and she didn’t want to.  After years of failing you just stop trying.  Wanting some kind of connection, and not finding it at home he began perusing the internet.  This led to more problems with his wife.

When Jake is in his townhome he’s afraid of being alone and not having anyone for the rest of his life.  Old patterns of jealousy from high school resurfaced.   Late at night his head is filled with annoying thoughts about what she is doing.  He feels compelled to get in his car and drive over to her house (his old house).  As an engineer he is intellectually smart enough to know it is silly.  At the same time, there are forces of emotion driving him to behaviors he doesn’t want to do.  He goes back to his small townhouse, and is sad at the direction of his new life.  He longs for a happier time with his wife.  If only she would open up to him he hopes.  That would change everything.

Jake is considering the financial costs of divorce.  He doesn’t like it.  On top of that, he’s feeling that his 13 year old daughter is being corrupted by what his wife is telling her.   He is being made out to be the bad guy.  Jake shares all this and then asks me, “What should I do?”

“Would you like a silver bullet solution to the problems?”  I ask.

“Yes,” he says with hope.

We hope for such an answer.  As we hope, we focus all our attention on that fantasy of how life could be different if only…. (fill in the blank… with some bit about how we or someone else should be different than they are).

I tell Jake, “You have a Tree Problem.”

“What?”  he says with a sense of confusion.

“You have a Tree Problem,” I say again as if that explains everything.

“I don’t understand,” Jake replies. “What do you mean I have a Tree Problem.”

My little diversion trick is working.  His focus has shifted a tiny bit to my comment and with it his emotions have changed. His attention is no longer fixated completely fixed on his problem.   He’s off balance with my little Judo response and that makes it easier to move him a bit further.  Curiosity and confusion is a big step away from sadness and hopelessness.  It’s also a better state to make changes and work on things from.  He’s already taken two steps out of feeling trapped and hopeless and he hasn’t realized it yet.

I begin to explain the “Tree Problem”.

If you have a big tree in your backyard and you want to get rid of it, can you go over to it and push it out?  No.  You will push and push, make your self tired and after a while you will feel defeated.  You will conclude that you are not strong enough, a failure, feel overwhelmed, and that it is hopeless.  That tree is too big with all it’s branches, not to mention it is also rooted to the ground.  But what if you get an ax?  Maybe it is a dull ax.  You hack away at the trunk and spend all day and make it half way through.  You might look at that tree and conclude that you haven’t accomplished a thing because the tree is still there.  It’s a poor assessment of progress but it is the a common misinterpretation we make when working on our own issues.

What if you got a file for your ax?   Your ax would be sharper and you might have gotten it down in the first day.  You wouldn’t have gotten it down in the first swing, but maybe in the first day.  For a really big tree, maybe it would take a couple days.  Of course a chain saw would be faster.  Perhaps it comes down in a few minutes.  But with a chain saw you need other items as well.  You need a sharp chain and that requires a different kind of file.  You’ll need oil to lubricate the chain and gasoline to run the chain saw. It might take a bit more work to get the tools and equipment, but you could take the tree down faster.  Of course there is fear in making such changes.  What if in making all these changes the tree falls on our house.  There’s fear in solving a tree problem because there’s going to be consequences in other areas of our life.

Now even if you get that chain saw and fell that big tree in your backyard the job isn’t done.  It’s laying on the ground and it’s too big to move.  So you take your saw or your ax and you start cutting off the limbs.  You cut the trunk into short lengths.  Then you take your ax and split the large trunk logs into pieces small enough to move.  Once each is piece small enough you can pick it up and move it out of your back yard.  That’s how you solve a tree problem.  You break it down into a bunch of manageable size pieces that you can handle.

If we look at a situation like Jake’s and try to solve it with one stroke or in one day we will feel overwhelmed and helpless.  It can’t be done. We can’t see an solution much less a way to get there.   Often when we face such issues like divorce we are dealing with circumstances and problems we have never faced before.  We do not have the tools or the training to deal with splitting out the finances, addressing the challenges our children, will go through, the emotions we will go through, or the prospect of starting a new life.  We might be educated, successful, professional adults, but we find ourself in a situation we have no tools, training, or experience in handling.  We are facing a tree that doesn’t want to move and we can’t come up with any silver bullet solutions like we are used applying in other areas of our life.  Our silver bullet answers seem to revolve around someone else changing and they don’t seem to want to.

Why is Jake looking for a bullet to address his Tree Problem?  Somewhere in his belief system he assumes there is one.  You can tell because he is looking and asking for one.  It keeps him running in circles chasing a hope filled dream instead of focusing on tools and actions that will work.

That tree isn’t going to be removed by a bullet and the sooner he realizes that the sooner he will stop wasting time looking for one.  It’s an uncomfortable truth to accept, but the pain is very short lived compared to living in never ending hope and frustration that happens when we chase an illusion based answer.

If it was a gopher in his yard maybe it could be solved with one well-placed bullet.  But Jake clearly has a Tree Problem.  There are many different branches.  Coming to terms with the end of his marriage, overcoming his jealousy issues, dividing up the finances, becoming comfortable in his new life, and communicating all these changes to his 13 year old daughter are all branches of the same tree.  It’s going to take more than a week to deal with each branch.

So how do you solve a Tree Problem?

Like hiking to the top of a mountain, one step at a time .  There will be times on the trail you are going up, and times you are going downhill losing elevation.  But even when you seem to be losing elevation you will be moving forward on your path.   Most of the time you won’t be able to see the top where you hope to end up.  You have to have some faith that it will be okay when you get there.  You also can’t imagine what it will look like from up there because you have never been there before.  What you can do is keep taking care of the step in front of you.  Putting one foot in front of the other is how you make a long journey.   One step at a time on your Pathway To Happiness, that’s how you get there.   There are some possibilities for short cuts at times, but you have to be walking on the path to find them.  You’ll often find clues to those short cuts from people who are familiar with the pathway.

So I leave you with a couple clarifying and hopefully practical questions to ask about the challenges and changes you are faced with?

Do you have a gopher problem or do you have a Tree Problem?

And do the type of solutions you are looking for fit the type of problem you have?   If not, are you trapped in a cycle of hope for a quick fix solution and frustration that you can’t find one?  If you realize you are in such a trap then you’ve taken another step on your Pathway To Happiness.

More practical steps are available in the Self Mastery Course, The Relationship Course, and The Self Mastery Advanced Series.

We make assumptions that what we perceive is actually the way it is. However, we might be more truthfully served if we are aware that what we perceive, is only what we believe we perceive.

Watch and listen.  To double check that these guys aren’t fooling us with the video, close your eyes at different parts and just listen.

I understand that an agreement can be changed regarding an emotional reaction.  But, people do move to California for better weather, or move away from Los Angeles to get away from traffic, or in your case, you said that there are people you just don’t want to have lunch with anymore.  To me, these are preferences.  I’m not sure how you would distinguish a preference from an emotional reaction.  It’s the emotional reaction that causes the preference?

Thank you JJS

Hi, JJS,

Yes circumstances and our preferences for certain circumstances make a difference but there is another factor that we have to consider.  That there are beliefs in our mind that are playing a part as well and that is something we can change.

At the other extreme we can take Nelson Mandela who was unjustly imprisoned for 27 years.  He walks out with no bitterness and no sense of victimization or hate.  He forgives his captors as if he never judged them to begin with.  His emotional state contradicts his circumstances.   So what is really causing his emotional state to be in such a way?  It is not his circumstances.  So what is it?  I propose that it is the interpretations in our mind that we believe in,, or don’t believe in.   If we can find these beliefs in our mind, and change them, then we can change our emotional state without having to change other people, or even our self.

So I have avoided the question.  Where and when are our emotions caused by our beliefs and where and when are they being determined by our circumstances.   The only way to find out is to honestly and ruthlessly challenge the beliefs and see where  our emotions shift.  When they do not, then perhaps we are dealing with a circumstance issue.  But we can not be sure that is the case until we have removed any possible beliefs that are interfering.   In summary, what I am saying is that I can not answer the question for you.  You have to discover it for your self.

Happy Hunting,

Gary

In response to one of the free exercises in the Self Mastery course.

]]> http://www.pathwaytohappiness.com/happiness/2010/08/21/power-over-happiness/feed/ 0 http://www.pathwaytohappiness.com/happiness/2010/06/26/a-way-to-properly-diagnose-autism/ http://www.pathwaytohappiness.com/happiness/2010/06/26/a-way-to-properly-diagnose-autism/#comments Sat, 26 Jun 2010 23:34:01 +0000 Gerard van Warmerdam http://www.pathwaytohappiness.com/happiness/?p=270 A wonderful TED video on new ways to diagnose correctly.  By looking into what is going on in the brain directly instead of just observing behavior we can diagnose problems such as autism correctly.