Really?

To that comment I sometimes like to ask two questions,

One:   “In terms of percentage, how far along should you be?”

Two:     “In terms of percentage, how far along are you?”

The assessment without those questions always seems vague and without validation.  When you ask in terms of something specific like percentage, you can narrow down the answer to between 0 and 100.  That by itself is still a lot of choices, but at least the criteria is more specific.  I think it’s easier to answer when you make it specific.  But even when I make it easier like this  people don’t seem to be able to answer.  They don’t know how far along they are and they don’t know how far along they should be.  Yet somehow they “know”, “I’m not as far along as I should be.”

How do they “know”?   It’s really that they have an image in their mind of themselves as a failure and they believe that the image is them. In short,,, they believe it.  What we believe in our mind is what we “know.”  What can be weird about this is that we can “know” something and it still not be true. What we “know” is that we are not as far along as we should be.  We “know” it only because we believe it, whether it is true or not.  We have no real measurement of our progress, or what reasonable progress should look like, but we accept the conclusion as truth.  The result of accepting this idea as truth is that we feel like a failure.

Because the voice in your head thinks something doesn’t mean it has to be true.  Sometimes the voice in our head can tell us things that aren’t truth. When we believe the lies that it says, we are likely to unnecessarily suffer emotionally.

When we believe the voice in our head is telling us the truth, and we feel like we “know” it.  That sense of knowing can give us a feeling of confidence in what we know.  We feel smart in our knowing, even if what we know isn’t true, and makes us unhappy.

Let’s call that voice in our head that is criticizing us the Judge. Sometimes it tells us the truth.  Sometimes it tells us lies.  Sometimes that judge can be so critical it is berating and abusive.  It can drag us back into emotional suffering with its lies.   Because that voice of the Judge has guided us towards success and away from failure in the past we tend to accept what it says as true.  We unconsciously consider it an advisor.  The voice of the Judge tells us we should be farther along and we assume it is somehow helping us.    That’s not the only thing that is happening.

Sometimes when the internal dialog of the Judge is putting us down we justify that it is helping us.  “It’s giving me a good kick so I’ll work harder,”  is the kind of response we defend the Judge with.  Sometimes we accept this defense at face value.  When we do we believe it and now it feels true.  We “know” it.  Except if we look at little closer the explanation starts to fall apart.

What does “further along” really mean.  Further along towards what?   “Further along” really means happier.  “I’m not as far as long as I should be,” translates to:  “I’m not as happy as I should be.”   What does it take to be happier?  Happier means more love.  Love comes in the form of self acceptance and self respect.

The voice of the Judge rejects us.  It is not accepting and it is not respectful of our own well being and yet we defend this criticism as “motivational help.”  We justify that the harder it is on us the more that it is motivating us.  You’d be surprised how often I get this kind of explanation.  The truth is that the more it criticizes us for not being far enough along, the more we reject our self.  The more we believe this voice in our head, the unhappier we are.   So how could this self rejection that the Judge is doing, which is the opposite of self acceptance and self respect possibly be helping us towards happiness?

It can’t.

It’s kind of like this.  The judge is throwing dirt on you when you are not clean enough.  It says, “Hey, you don’t accept your self enough so take this rejection and you will improve our self.   It’s really becomes ridiculous when you are aware of it.  But that’s part of the trick.  You have to shift your perspective to become aware of it.

So what can you do to help your self?  It starts with awareness.  First you need awareness that what you think, may not be true.  Awareness that you don’t always have to believe what you think.  Then, with a little practice, you learn to scrutinize the internal dialog of the Judge and find out that it’s not always helpful.

A few things to consider.

That voice in your head may have been more helpful in the past, but as we get older it gets out of control.  It spends more time berating us than guiding or helping us.  When it comes to self acceptance, respect, love, and happiness,,, it doesn’t have much experience.  Most of what that voice in your head “knows” is about fear. It is constantly telling you what you have to do and should do to avoid what you fear.  The problem with the information it is giving you is that it is based on what it knows from the past.   It assumes that all future experiences will be like the past ones.  We have a very powerful memory, and it distorts how we see the present moment when we believe the internal dialog in our head.

For insights on how to change this dynamic of falling for the self rejection that goes on in your mind Listen and Practice the exercises in the Self Mastery course.  The first 4 sessions are free. Sign up here. You might also want to check out the free audio about self awareness and changing beliefs.

When you ask this question to someone else,,, you are opening the door to giving away your personal power and creating a victim mindset.   This is a dangerous question to ask.  At the same time guidance can be helpful.

In the early stages of our personal development we ask many questions.  In the beginning the questions are general, unfocused, and many times harmful.  We aren’t aware of how powerful a question can be at controlling our attention and occupying our mind with very limited ways of thinking.  Usually we are in a unhappy or confused state when we ask these types of questions.  And the types of questions that arise from this mind set act to reinforce the very emotions we are trying to get out of.       

What are some better questions to ask?

What is the kind thing to do?
What is the respectful thing to do?
What is the compassionate thing to do?
What do I not want?
How will I treat myself?
How will I treat others?
How do I want to feel?

Learning to ask better questions is a skill.  Like any skill it can take time.  However the more we are aware of the questions we ask, the less automatic they are.  The more aware of each question our mind asks, and the automated way our imagination and emotions respond the better we will get at asking questions.

The most common of beginner question is, “What should I do?”   Why is this such a poor question to ask when we are wrapped up in emotional issues?  That question can lead us back into the same negative belief structure that asked it.

The question implies or assumes that there is a particularly “right” answer.  Whenever we are looking for the “right” answer our mind flips into a mode of duality and looks at things in a right/wrong split.  All answers that are not the “right” answer are classified as wrong.  There can be one thousand wrong.  You can imagine a poor outcome with any action you take thereby making the action appear wrong.  All of these with any possible negative outcome are classified as “wrong.”  It is assumed that the “right” or “should” action will result in everything being right and everyone being happy.  It’s a very high standard of perfection that is implied when we use the word “should” or “right.”  

This very high, and often unreasonable expectation sets us up for feeling like a failure.

Having an image of perfection or an expectation in and of itself isn’t the really bad part.  It could even be good when it motivates us to take action or inspire creativity.   The bad part is that the mental construct of an image of perfection sets you up for two rounds of self judgment.

Once you adopt this mental construct of what you “should” do, you also build a self image of the kind of person you should be.  So now there are two images of perfection.  One is of the action that leads to the perfect outcome.  The second image of perfection is more personal. It is of who you should be.  There can be more perfection images in the mind such as, how everyone else should feel, that can complicate this even further, but lets keep it simple for now.

With these two imaginary images the voice of the inner judge now has two concepts it can use for comparison.  With its typical method of comparison there can only be two outcomes.  The best outcome possible is that you meet the expectations of your belief system.  No praise here.  All you did was what was expected of you.  With your greatest effort you broke even by meeting expectations of your belief system.

The second outcome isn’t that kind.  For any lesser action, even the emotional reactions of another person that you can’t control, the inner judge criticizes you.  “I could have (should have” done that differently.”  The second judgment follows the first.  If you didn’t succeed in achieving the image of perfection outcome then you failed.  If you failed, then that means you are a failure.  It’s a simple duality based conclusion the judge and victim voices in your head do automatically.  The result is self rejection in the form of a self judgment.

This self rejection happens in your own head and can be emotionally powerful.  When we are preoccupied trying to answer the question, “What should I do?” our attention is so wrapped up in the importance of figuring out the right thing to do that we don’t see this set up to self judgment.

Why is our attention so wrapped up with figuring out the “right” thing we “should” do?  Somewhere in our sub-conscious belief system we sense that the painful self judgment will come if we do things wrong.  We are afraid of the painful self judgment from our inner judge and we seek to avoid it.   We feel the pressure to get things “right” but don’t notice that much of the motivation is really about avoiding the pain of self judgment that is going to be generated in our imagination.

We feel the pressure from the voices in our head but don’t notice that this is just our imagination and belief system at work.  It usually takes a person a while to realize that this emotional self abuse is optional.   We are so used to self judgment by the time we are adults that we accept this as an unchangeable reality.  Then the only solution to avoid the punishment that we perceive is to get the answer “right.”   And “right” means perfect where everyone is satisfied.  Of course we don’t notice that this standard assumes that everyone will interpret the action and the outcome free from any judge and victim perspectives.  (not likely)

It can be very helpful to seek help, guidance, and support.  However we can help our self more when we are mindful of the questions we ask and how their underlying assumptions can be setting us up for self judgment.

Be Mindful When Asking for Help

I’m all for advice.  I like to pick the brains and perspective of seasoned individuals that have proven results in an area.  It can save us a lot of time in learning so we don’t have to figure everything out on our own.  What I am not in favor of is collecting of images of perfection that the inner judge uses as an expectation to measure our self worth.  The next time you ask someone, “What should I do?” take a moment to notice whether your inner judge might use their answer in a conspiracy of self-judgment against you.

Please don’t ask me to give you advice about what you “should” do.  I probably won’t answer you directly.  If I answer your question in the format you expect, then I am providing you with an image of a perfection for an outcome that may or may not be achievable.   You are asking an image of perfection that the inner judge can use.   I’m probably going to try to do you the favor of not feeding this structure of beliefs.  My answer might come back as a question or redirect your attention to looking at the situation differently.

Some people will have a reaction to this.  They will get upset because I haven’t answered directly.  They are so fixated on getting things “right” that they feel cheated when avoid the trap their belief system is making.   I know that person is upset because their only hope to avoid painful self judgment is to get the answer of what they “should” do.  And any delay in getting that answer has them slipping further into the jaws of the self judgment for getting it “wrong.”

I apologize for not answering directly.  But I’m not trying to satisfy your hope of getting things right.  I’m actually trying to save you from a much bigger problem. The bigger problem is that painful self judgment and the fear it creates drives the mind to believe that the “right” answer is the only hope.

Please don’t ask me to conspire with the trap your belief system creates with  self judgments.  At the same time, it is okay and even advisable in most situations to seek counsel and guidance.  Just do your best to be aware and avoid this trap of self judgment.

If you have another question,,, a better question,,, I might give a more direct answer.  Look back to the beginning of this article for some ideas on how to ask a better question.  If these questions don’t apply, then ask other questions.  If you can’t come up with another question then ask, “What questions should I be asking?”    There are lots of ways that you can get help, support and guidance from people through sticky situations without building images of perfection that the judge will use.   
There are lots of questions that I work on asking that will help you to look at the situation differently.  There is a lot that can be done with perspective and inquiry that is extremely helpful without anyone telling you what you should do.

So if I don’t respond to your question of, “What should I do?” in a way that you expect then I hope this explains it.   I’m not trying to give you ice cubes so the pain from the fire stops.  I’m trying to help you put out the fire that you are sitting in.

To help you get more out of the Self Mastery program here’s a suggestion:

1.    Don’t go for Perfection

This may sound strange but the assignments I give aren’t always things you can accomplish, at least not right away.

Some people think that session 4 is the hardest.  They just agree with people or disagree as an automatic reaction before realizing it.  The assignment is to refrain from doing this, but I’m not expecting success.  As a matter of fact more can be gained by failing.

If all you get out of this exercise is to realize that you don’t control the words coming out of your mouth, and that much of your behavior is on automatic pilot,,, then I’d say that’s enough for a start.  While it might seem like you’ve failed at the goal you’ve actually accomplished a lot in the process. You are now aware of this dynamic.  Your awareness has expanded.  You are now being self reflective and beginning to adopt a new perspective of being an observer. You also have an insight into how agreements/beliefs are made in subtle quick ways and how quickly we accept opinions as fact and truth.  It is this new perspective that is most important at this point.

You might not like what you notice, but that’s the inner judge starting to take over.   You’ve taken an important step towards change because you can’t change a behavior until you know about it.  Just noticing these types of things in the free sessions, even if you aren’t able to change them is the most important lesson.   The exercises in the paid sessions are more focused at successfully implementing change.  The exercise used to help you discover and become aware of behavior dynamics is not necessarily the one that will be useful for changing those dynamics.

If you come out from these exercises feeling like a failure or  pissed off at yourself for failing then you’ve had another self judgment.   Not necessarily good, and not my intent, but that’s the nature of a mind out of control at this point.  Exercises in Session 6 and later begin to address this.  These somewhat humbling realizations are a necessary part of the process.  They cause us to see things about our self, our emotions, and our belief system running automatically that was previously unconscious to us.  That’s part of the waking up process.  Listen to my January podcast on Conscious Awakening for more insights into this.

The Free sessions in the Self Mastery program are usually not enough to completely and permanently stop most major emotional reactions.   What the free sessions are intended to do is help you become aware of what is going on in your mind.  With that expanded skill of observation arises the intrinsic motivation to address the real issues of underlying beliefs.  Some people will realize this and get motivated to change their beliefs.  But you can’t really start addressing these beliefs until you see what they are and how the work.

Others will get caught up in the self judgment of their belief system that creates a feeling of failure.  If a person is not aware of the dynamic of their belief system and able to observe it as the problem, they will push the exercises away thinking it is making them feel worse.  It’s not the exercises that are the problem.  It’s the unrealistic expectations their mind makes and the self rejection based on that unconscious expectation that they are reacting to.  If this is happening, the problem with the sessions isn’t failure or even you.  The problem is with the belief system in the mind making unreasonable and unconscious expectations about success, and then automated self judgments

So do your best not to get tricked into your mind’s assumption that you need to do these practices perfectly before going forward.  Some people I’ve talked to stop listening to new sessions because they haven’t mastered the current one yet.  It’s a trap of a false expectation that stops progress.

For best results don’t try to do any of these exercises perfectly.  Just do them.  Even do them with little or no success.  It’s not the perfection of these practices that are important.  It’s the doing of them in whatever fashion you can that will make the difference.  Trying to do them perfectly plays into the hands of the way our mind does self judgment.  First an unrealistic expectation, and then a self rejection.  This becomes so painful emotionally that we stop the practice before we have a chance to get decent at it.

Some people will get success with an exercise in 10 minutes.  Some will get success in 10 hours of practice, and some in 10 weeks.   Don’t worry if you don’t get success with an exercise in a few weeks and you get tired of trying.  Give it up for a while and go on to the next one.  You don’t need to get proficient at any of them as prerequisites in order to have success at this process.  Later, after a couple weeks or months of practicing other exercises, come back to the ones you skipped and try them again.  You’ll be a different person by then, and you’ll likely notice different things about the exercise that you didn’t see the first time.

Some people might feel discouraged by the fact that they don’t get immediate results.  To  me the speed at which you make changes in your thoughts, beliefs, emotions, and behaviors is not as important as making these changes successfully.   After all,, if you are not successful,,, then then your efforts at going fast were wasted.

A few years back I was at my bank withdrawing some money.  My intention was to invest in the market.  I was referred to one of their investment advisers who told me, “That’s dangerous.”   The implied message is not just to be fearful, but that you will get hurt because are ignorant or incapable of making your own financial decisions.   The implied role assigned to me is the victim and to let them play the hero by helping me. It’s interesting how much can be communicated with just two words, “That’s dangerous.”

In one comment, she was offering me a completely packaged story.  It was a role I was conditioned to accept since childhood.  I was the innocent bystander that needed help.  I didn’t know what I was doing and I was in over my head.  It cast the stock market as a dangerous dragon that could hurt me. She assumed the role of helpful adviser recommending I avoid a complicated danger.  She would protect me.  She assigned her self to the role of hero and offered me a feeling of hope and security if I followed her suggestions.  All for a price of course.

I was aware of the fear she was offering me to carry by believing those two words.  I was also aware of the powerlessness and insecurity I would feel if I accepted her assigned victim role.  From that victim point of view, her hero role would look comforting, and therefore tempting.  The problem with this nifty package is that I knew the price.  For the comfort of her being my hero, I first had to accept the fear.

Learning Your Role In Life

How can we put on such a huge story so quickly with just two words?   In childhood we learn through interactions and stories to adopt roles for our selves and to assign roles to others.  Comic books, movies, and fairy tales of a dashing prince have us imagining the hero (rescuer).   As our imagination is filled with this story figure, we usually assign our self various points of view.  Sometimes we comfort our self importance and imagine being that heroic figure and defeating villains and evil forces.  At other times we put them on a pedestal and enjoy the awe and reverence we bestow on them.  The effect of the latter is that we assume our selves to be less powerful, incapable, and needing help in challenging situations.  We can call this playing a victim role.

One of the consequences of habitually applying these roles to our selves, and others, is that we need some kind of villain in order to keep our hero myths alive.  Military war heroes need evil doers.  Police officers need criminals.  Trial attorneys need bad guys to punish.  Politicians need victims in order to justify their actions as good, right, and heroic.

By the time we are adults we apply the opinion, “good person” or “bad person” to a human being.  The simplest part of our mind craves a simple answer to complex human situations.   Our self-hero image tells us we are right about our assessment, and we feel good about our judgment of others.

Out of habit we assign the role or title of “bad person” to someone very quickly.  In that assumption we miss the opportunity to see them as a human being with life history of experiences and challenges that led them to the situation they are in.  Implied in the assessment is that we assign our self the hero role, the “good character” in the story.

Learning the Victim Role

We are trained since a young age to assign the role of hero to others. We make others responsible and thereby make our self dependent on them.    Take your parents hand and have them lead you across the street or you will get hurt or killed. Follow your parents direction or you will get punished.  We learned to live out these roles as a means of survival.  Putting your life in the hands of others is the best thing to do as a small person learning to make your way in a big and chaotic world.  However, according to this early mindset, there is always someone that knows what is better for you than your self.  Some people eventually wake up from their role playing and decide to live their own life instead of the one others assign to them.  Some people don’t wake up to the automated roles of their life.

For the victim, when someone comes along offering to play that caretaker, rescuer, hero, role, we feel infused with hope and are thankful that they are answering our prayers.  It is a prayer that we have learned to pray to a more powerful being out side of our self.  Again looking for help and power outside instead of within our self, not really discovering what we are capable of.

The Business of Your Role In Life

The victim role of powerlessness, overwhelm, and insecurity is continually projected at us.  We learn to follow the rules and behaviors of others in order to feel safe.     How many commercials tell you that investing is complicated hard work and that you should leave it to trained professionals?  Pay them the commission and have them save you from hurting your self with financial mistakes.  The message,,, you are not smart enough or good enough to do this your self.

Insurance companies make their income from you being scared of possible outcomes and relying on them for comfort.  Banks protect your money.  Men are advised what to buy their loved one at the jewelry store so not to screw up a holiday.  Marketers assign us the role that we don’t know what to do in our lives or even in our relationship.  They come with answers to alleviate us from the fear they have offered us.

The Politics of Your Role In Life

Politicians count on you to project on to them your hero stories learned early in life.  We study the American Presidents and their great and challenging deeds.  Our teachers have us put them on pedestals and project awe and reverence at them.  We don’t see that they are human beings just like us.   In our minds we associate current presidents with past presidents and the attitude of someone saving us is comforting.  In that imagined story of comfort we don’t notice the powerless role we assign for our self.  Our projected image of them blinds us from seeing the actual character and qualities of our leaders.

What Role Will You Choose for Your Self?

How much do you live in a state of powerlessness, and insecurity because of the beliefs and roles you have adopted?  How often do you comfort your self emotionally by placing others on pedestals?   What price do you pay by assigning other people to be your heroes?  How often do you see people as ignorant or incapable just so you can attempt to save them and prop up your own imaged hero image?  What roles do you play in your life and who assigns them to you?

The process to unraveling these mysteries and what we are actually capable of is a matter of self discovery.  The Self Mastery course in Awareness can help you discover the roles you play in your life.  The Self Mastery program is a means to inventory and change your beliefs, emotions, and the roles you have been playing in your life.

No one will assign you the role of waking up from your habitual patterns.  You have to assign that role to your self.

I spoke with James the other day who was trying to figure out what he should do about his relationship. He and his girlfriend had broken it off again and he didn’t know if he should give up or try whole heartedly to commit. It was a pattern he had done before.

He was frustrated because he couldn’t come up with an answer to his question. It was especially frustrating because James is an educated, intelligent, and professionally successful guy.

James had a number of beliefs that created impossible conflicts for him to make the right choice about his relationship. He didn’t see those core beliefs. He also didn’t see that he was asking the wrong questions. He was operating unaware of what his mind was doing to him. Kind of like those cats reacting and chasing the red dot reflecting on the floor. They don’t notice the person moving the laser pointer around that is in control.

Should I end the Relationship

If he ended the relationship he was facing the prospect of being alone. Related to being alone his mind constructed a scenario of being lonely, depressed, and in grief over the loss of the relationship. His mind didn’t have another chapter to that future story. To avoid the painful emotions his assumptions projected his mind darted to staying in the relationship as a solution.

Should I Stay in the Relationship

His mind had set up an impossible structure of being with this woman. Actually it painted a terrible picture for being with any woman. James has a number of beliefs about what it means to be a husband and father. It would require him to spend all his energy trying to be the “perfect husband” in order to fit the image he had fabricated in his mind. James felt overwhelmed at the task. He felt he wasn’t up to it. Based on those expectations the Inner Judge in his mind concluded he wasn‘t good enough.

His mind also projected that the responsibility wouldn’t allow him freedom and flexibility in his career choices if he had to provide for a family. He saw it as an unending treadmill with little room to do other things he enjoys. James felt trapped by that picture of his imagined future. In that picture he was both feeling trapped and feeling unworthy.

“What should I do?“

The world of the mind and imagination is a fascinating place. You can easily lose your attention there and feel lost and powerless. The belief system in the mind constructs a picture of being alone and unhappy. The belief system also makes assumptions about a committed relationship and projects being burdened, trapped, and unhappy in marriage. After constructing these two unhappy scenarios the mind then asks, the question,

“What should I do?“

There is something particularly crafty about this question in this scenario. Layered into the question are hidden assumptions that point the attention to look only at these two previously constructed possibilities. Cats are a lot like this with that laser pointer. They lose sight of everything else around them. Their ability to focus is one thing that makes them great hunters. It’s also what makes them chase reflections and miss the bigger picture. Cats are so focused on the reflection they can’t see who is moving that laser light.

James puts his attention on trying to find an answer to that very simple question. That one question has trapped his attention.

He follows a direction of logic until he imagines the possibility of being alone. When the emotional body begins to perceive the unhappiness of this projected future it begins to look for another way. It’s a natural instinct to avoid emotional pain, even if it is from reflections in the imagination.

He considers committing to the relationship for the rest of his life. It’s the only other option his mind offers. His core beliefs have constructed an image of what he is supposed to be as a man. It includes perfect husband, protector, emotionally available, supportive, and a bred winner financially. He should be “like a rock”.

According to this Image of Perfection there’s no room for not knowing what to do in any situation. There is no latitude to be human. There too little room to enjoy his life, and have fun within this imagined box his beliefs have built. If he doesn’t meet this image he is a failure according to his inner judge. The Image of Perfection is so high that failure is certain. The imagined emotions are too unbearable to consider. His mind jumps to another reflection of light darting past in his mind. He has to get out of the relationship. The cats run the other way down the hall.

When James looks for an answer he isn’t going to find anything solid. He’s chasing reflections of imagined futures that his fears and core beliefs are projecting. Since his fears and beliefs of not being good enough are projecting the future everything looks bleak. He feels trapped and yet compelled to answer.

He doesn’t look beyond those two options because that one question has trapped his attention. “What should I do” implies that there is a “right” answer and that he should choose it. It assumes that one of the two scenarios in front of him is “right”. It assumes the other will be wrong. Oddly enough neither question addresses his happiness directly. Happiness in life is left as an indirect consequence of choosing the “right” answer.

That question puts his whole future happiness into one choice. With that much weighing in the balance the question makes itself more important. It becomes vital that he find an answer. He focuses his attention even more into the possibilities of those two answers hoping to see something he missed before.

It’s like the cat trying to put his paw on the red dot.

What James fails to realize is that the question and assumed answers has trapped his attention. The construct of beliefs is a much bigger trap than the relationship could ever be. At least in relationship there is always the prospect of break up or divorce. His mind doesn’t offer alternate options. When the attention is trapped by beliefs and assumptions like this a person doesn’t have the awareness to see other options.

Cat’s are a lot like this when they chase reflections of light. Sometimes they chase the light reflection from my watch all over the office as I type. Their instinct to hunt that spec of light down is pure survival instinct. Humans are like that. Since the time we were very little we spent years in school training to find the right answers to questions that other people asked. We spent years learning to answer questions as if our survival depended on it.

What we didn‘t learn

We never learned to ask the questions. We were not trained to ask our self better questions so that we can come up with a better answer. We never learned to question the question. Because we didn’t control the questions we never got a chance to direct where our attention went. We just chased answers. We even jump to find answers when our own mind asks the question. We chase the reflection instead of grabbing the pointer.

The problem that James faces is not that he is stupid and can’t figure out the answer. The problem is that he doesn’t hold the laser light. He is not beginning with useful questions. “What should I do?” doesn’t have an answer that will make him feel happy and fulfilled.

What will help James is to stop chasing reflections of light and get hold of the source. He’s got to get hold of the laser pointer in his mind that is asking the questions. It’s the part of his mind leading the show. When he starts asking better questions he will stop chasing dead ends.

Ask a better question Get a Better Answer

Do I want to be happy? How important is it?
Have I ever been happy when I was alone? Is it possible for me to be happy with other people? How much of my happiness is dependent on me? How much of my happiness is dependent on another person? How much of my happiness do I want to be dependent on another person? How do I change the balance?

What do I want to feel emotionally? What do I want my relationships to feel like? What can I do to feel that way all the time?

Free Will – Does James have a choice to be happy?

At the level of awareness that James is operating on it won’t make much difference to his happiness how he chooses. No matter the choice his mind will second guess himself afterwards with doubting questions. The voice in his head with questions will cause him to wonder if he made the “right” choice. His mind will imagine different scenarios and produce insecurity, fear, and unhappiness about his choices. His Inner Judge and Victim will conclude he was wrong with either choice. It’s just how that part of the mind operates until you become aware enough to change it.

The Pursuit of Happiness

The motivation for the “should” question was always about being happy. The real question was, “What should I do so that I will be happy in my life?” It’s just that when you shorten it you get caught up in a different question. The emphasis changes from being happy to being “right.” Your mind puts in different assumptions and you chase impossible answers up and down the hallways of your mind.

Cats chase reflections of light hoping to catch their prey. They don’t have the awareness to notice who is holding the light source. People are a lot like cats. People chase answers to questions that trap their attention and spin them in circles.

If you want a happier outcome in your relationships and your life don’t just chase better answers. Get a hold of the light source and control where you point your attention.

For exercises in gaining control over your attention, changing core beliefs, and changing the emotional experience of your life, listen to the free audio sessions in Self Mastery.

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Suggested Listening – Hidden Assumptions in Questions – MP3 Audio Download. This is from a previously posted podcast.

My experience is that self help suggestions rarely work. Very few people are able to change their behavior simply by adopting a suggestion like “Change your thoughts and look at the bright side” or “Try to be more optimistic.” The people who are able to make a shift that easily don’t need the suggestion.

If it were really that easy for everyone to make a sustained shift in their behavior then I think more people would have done it? People would have eliminated the emotional drama by now. This is evidence that there is something more to changing emotions than a paragraph of self help advice addresses.

Not only does some of the self help advice not help, it can backfire and lead to feeling worse. You might spiral down emotionally and conclude you are a failure when things don’t improve. The problem wasn’t you, it was in the advice you were trying to follow. I’ll share an example of what I’m talking about.

Some optimistic self help advice often sounds like,    “Don’t be so critical of your self.”

The writer usually follows this up with a few sentences about how being critical doesn’t really help anything. It is wasted energy that you could be using for something more productive. They might even give suggestions of more positive things you can do instead. On a surface level this appears sensible and good logic to follow.

However many people that attempt to follow this self help advice will usually end up feeling worse.

What your mind really does with Self Help Advice

Here’s how you can fall into more self criticism with this logic. When you adopt the suggestion to be less critical of your self the mind forms a rule. New Rule is “I will not be critical of myself. The mind is very prolific at making agreements like this.

Your mind then creates an image of your self as a person that will follow this rule. I call this the Image of Perfection based on this new rule. Creating this image in your mind can give you a momentary boost in self esteem. It might facilitate a hopeful feeling as a way out of being negative and critical. But it is a hope based in putting your faith and personal power in an imaginary image. You are putting your personal power in something out side your self. This is just one of the problems.

There is another part of the mind that we can call the Inner Judge. The Judge uses these Images of Perfection and rules as a basis for condemning judgments. You might already be familiar with this Inner Judge. It’s the voice in your head that is being critical of your self and other people.

Whenever you don’t meet the specifications of one of the Images of Perfection your Inner Judge concludes you are a failure. The result is that it criticizes you for not following the rules you made.

When you made the agreement to stop being so critical you didn’t do anything to address this Inner Judge and the Image of Perfection. The actual material and dynamics that make up self criticism are still there. The Inner Judge is still there. All the rules of how you “should be” are still there. The result is that the mind is still busy doing all those criticisms that you said you were going to stop.

Making a new rule is equivalent to saying that you are going to change a flat tire. But making the rule in your mind doesn’t get anything changed. To be effective your new rule has to be followed up with effective actions like getting the car jacked up or the lug wrench out of the trunk.

By agreeing to the self help suggestion and building an Image of Perfection the Inner Judge has another rule to criticize your self with. Even though your new rule is to not criticize your self, the Inner Judge doesn’t follow the rule.

Your mind will continue to be critical just like it always did because nothing changed in the mind when you added a new rule. Except now when you notice your self criticizing something, the Inner Judge adds the comment, “I shouldn’t be so critical. The Inner Judge criticizes you for criticizing things. This is an added layer of self judgment that can make you feel worse.

It can even get more complicated with more layers of criticism for criticizing your self for being too critical. (The Inner Judge has the capacity for this ridiculous logic. It would be pretty funny if there wasn’t such an emotional price to pay.)
The Inner Judge might also conclude that you are a failure for not being able to make any real progress or change. If this really gets going it can lead to feelings of hopelessness and despair. This is the kind of downward spiral that can happen when following superficial self help attempts.

You did try to make an effort to stop being self critical. It’s just that you didn’t have good tools to do it effectively. You tried to do it just by making a new rule. That’s like trying to change a flat tire without tools. You are not going to jack up the car with brute strength and you are not going to loosen the lug nuts with your fingers.

If all you have is your self help advice and good intentions you are going to create more Images of Perfection. This just gives the Inner Judge more expectations to criticize you against. It is all those good intentions and self help rules that pave the road to a personal hell of self judgment.

To make real changes in your mind and how you feel emotionally begin by not following bad self help advice. In the matters of changing your mind and emotions learning what paths to avoid is as important as learning what will help.

My experience is that the mind is a complex organism of thoughts, emotions, and beliefs. There are multiple elements at work attempting to maintain the status quo of unhappiness and emotional reactions. Each person’s belief structure is different and what worked for one person won’t necessarily work for someone else.

Making behavioral changes like refraining from being critical generally takes more than adding a fluff piece of self help advice to the internal dialogue. You have to address core beliefs, the Inner Judge, and the Image of Perfection. The criticisms of the voice in your head are part of the problem.

For exercises and techniques to understand and change the belief structure of your mind listen and practice the exercises in the Self Mastery audio program. It includes material to address the dynamics of self criticism in the mind. The first four sessions are free. The audio sessions provide practical steps to make changes in your life and your relationships.

Related Material

Self Help Doesn’t Work

Going to Zion is going back to a place of transition in my spiritual journey. Years ago I was on a trip through the southwest and was camping in the park when I found what I was looking for in my quest. I was journeying in a dream at night and experienced my heart opening into a blissful and overwhelming state of unconditional love.

As I woke up and lay on the ground I realized that it was only a dream and somehow my rational mind was willing to dismiss it. But something down inside me, that part of me that was feeling all the emotion, wasn’t ready to dismiss the beauty that I felt.

I was awake, but I could still feel the love radiating through my body. In all my life I had not felt such a beautiful sensation before. It was fading, but I decided that it must be possible to feel that much incredible love in real life. Maybe it was possible to feel it and live it beyond just a dream. I didn’t know if it was possible, but I decided to believe it was.

I consciously decided to believe that I could feel that much love, and to feel it all the time. I decided to believe that I could experience that much blissful love in all my relationships. I decided to believe it on the off chance that it was possible. At that point I knew what I was looking for. It was a feeling. I didn’t know how to get there or the steps I would take, but I knew it as a feeling in my body.

In different traditions it has different names. In mystery schools it might be called the Holy Grail, Your Integrity, Nirvana, Christ Consciousness, or more simply, Unconditional Love. I like to call it the Truth.

When you have this type of experience, what many call a spiritual experience of the Truth, many things become clear. The most important of these is that you know what you are looking for. Until that time I wanted to be happy but I only really knew it as an intellectual idea. Knowing it by experience is much more powerful. That feeling is like a reference beacon to your emotional integrity. You know when you are on track by how you feel, and you quickly know when you are off track in your journey.

I don’t often share experiences about my journey like this for a number of reasons. There are reasons why and I’m getting to that. I will tell you the reasons because then you will have better chance for immunity from them. All of this is necessary just because I’m planning this workshop to Zion and I felt inspired to share a bit of my history in that wonderful place. But I digress.

There are a number of reasons that I don’t share very much about these types of spiritual experiences. One simply is that these experiences of Truth don’t translate into words. People will read this and walk away with their interpretation of my experience.

“In the beginning was the Word, and immediately after there was misinterpretation.”

I’m okay with that part. I’ve made my peace with it a long time ago. It’s the other kind of stuff that people do in their mind with this information about another person. They sometimes use these stories to activate stories in their mind and generate emotional reactions. Then I often refrain from this type of material because I know what people do with it in their mind. I know this very well because I use to do it.

Speaking from my own experience I know that before I started my journey such a story would raise a concerned reaction that someone had “lost it.” I would be skeptical, but that would bleed over into looking for signs that they weren’t logical and rationally sound people. My lack of understanding for these spiritual experiences made it difficult to accept people when they spoke of such things. I was a skeptic of their story, and I unknowingly became more than a skeptic of them.

Later in my process when I began having my own experiences, the judge in my mind would use the material of someone else’s experience to create envy. I would want what they had. I would be wishing I was them and living their life experiences. This is essentially the same thing as not being accepting of my self and where I was in my journey. This is a desire for love, happiness, and conscious awakening that gets distorted in the expression. I didn’t see all that at the time. It is easier to see your stumbling block issues when you go back and spend time with them.

Here is where I get to one of the points I wanted to make. (not the one on top of my head either) It is one of the biggest stumbling blocks people create in their mind when they are on a Spiritual path. I was talking with Ellen about this and we both saw this as a prominent stumbling block and is why I wanted to write this piece.

The big stumbling block that people in a spiritual quest create is that they use these spiritual images as a basis for self judgment. They read books or hear about other people’s experience and wonder, “Why not me?” With that question a critical voice in the mind is all too ready to propose that it is because they are not good enough, or there is something wrong with them, or that they are not doing everything right.

How to turn Spiritual Ideals into Spiritual Demons

When our mind uses Spiritual Ideals in this way they become personal expectations. As personal expectations they are the foundations for self judgment and self rejection. When you haven’t dealt with your inner judge inspirational experiences and stories of spiritual masters can become material for comparison. We can even create an image of what we should be as a spiritual person and judge our self compared to our imaginary self image.

When used in this way, what was a possible source of inspiration and a story about how much love you can feel in all your relationships becomes a spiritual stumbling block of self judgment. In spite of the possibility that people might do this in their minds, I will publish it anyways.

I decided to consciously share with you one of my experiences of emotional awakening to unconditional love. What you do with this information is your responsibility. You can either use it to open up to the possibility of more love and happiness in your life, Or, you can use it to judge me as a quack, feel envy, judge your self as unworthy, none of these, or all of these. These are just some of your choices.
Often we will make more progress on our Spiritual journey by focusing on the step in front of us than by dreaming and hoping about our destination.

More information on Your Authentic Life Workshop in Zion May 3-May6th

More on the spiritual journey in the next post.

Personal growth and cultivating happiness is not linear.  It can often come in an epiphany in the most ordinary of moments.

The following is feedback from a course subscriber in Japan.

Dear Gary,

This time, I want to report about my recent progress in the process!  (Sorry, this one is very long!)

During last two weeks, I was keeping in my mind your words in your e-mail “Just practice enjoying your life” & “Pace yourself”, ’cause deep inside, I felt that they contained something very very important to me.  I wondered why I was always struggling with things, but I couldn’t find out how I was creating that state.  (For example, when I’m going to do the Toltec practices which I decided to do everyday, it often takes a long time before I actually start, ’cause I spend much time and energy in resisting, judging, feeling sick or somehow hurried, and worrying too much.  However, once started, it’s really fun for me to do them.)

One afternoon, I was making a long affirmation script for myself, for I wanted one for me.  After writing halfway, words stopped coming up and I felt a little bit tired.  Then, the judging mind started off, like “Complete it right now, otherwise you cannot do other activities planned!!”, “You lack self-control, effort and will!” and “You are failure who cannot do things properly!”, etc.  I felt totally sick, actually got pain in center of my chest, and thought “Why can’t I do things like others do?”, fully in the Victim-mode. Usually, I used to proceed to the next reaction stage, “Rebel-mode”, but this time, I remembered your talk on Session 11, and I asked myself “Who on earth is “Others”??”

Then, I remembered scenes from my childhood, where my parents were severely scolding me and accusing me of being slow, not doing things as they liked, unwilling to help them in their timing and being selfish… “You are stubborn, bad girl, You lack will power, patience and effort etc.”  They were the person who were proud of always being in time, being able to strictly follow their plans and complete things once they decided, no matter how hard time it takes.  And I remembered how sad and worthless I felt those days, almost like I was the worst child in the world who had no ability to do things properly, and then, I realized “I myself are saying completely the same things to myself now!?”  I went totally blank with my mouth wide open.

After a while, I decided to stop writing, went to the kitchen and made coffee, pondering about the matter.  I remembered various scenes from my school days, and saw the process of how I lost trust in myself almost completely.  I was a child who was very uncomfortable in structural settings like schedules or rules.  And here in Japan, according to my observation, it is very important for people to read and follow the “Air” in situations or groups, which seems to be made up with people’s beliefs and expectations on how one should behave in a particular situation.

If someone act differently, the person usually get accused of being selfish, making waves and destroying the sense of “Harmony” in the group, and sometimes the person get excluded from the group’s sense of “Unity” or ” Circleness?” (This part is very difficult to translate into English!).

Anyway, It was very often that, when just having fun with friends (in most cases, with boys), I somehow succeeded to end up with breaking some rules or supposed atmosphere in situations unintentionally, got severe reprimand for being a bad, selfish child who ignores adult’s advises or being out of “Girls-Should-Behave-Like-This” lines.

I saw that, as I grew older, I got more and more afraid of behaving out of situation and doing “Wrong” things, and even developed the very strong, exaggerated beliefs like “If I enjoy myself, I become alone”, “There is something wrong with me and I cannot see that myself” or “I am the only person on the planet who don’t know how the world works.”  (By the way, I got the reason why I get so tense and tired when I travel abroad – I’m so afraid of being accused of behaving out of the social codes of the countries, which I don’t know!!)  I remembered, in my pre-teen years, how eagerly I made effort to get approved as a good girl, and when my classmates teased me that I was pretending to be good, how I felt like I was a hypocrite…(In those days, I was actually the favorite child of the teachers.)

And in my teenage years, at this time in turn, how I rebelled my teachers and parents in order not to lose friendship of my classmates, or stopped doing things which, in less controlling situations, I loved to do, to maintain my false sense of integrity, ….. , and afterwards when I was alone, how harshly I judged myself for being bad and incapable, and how terribly I worried about being alone in the classroom or not being loved by boys due to my “lack of Femininity”…..

After pondering and remembering like this about an hour, I noticed that I had a feeling like energy pulled, in my belly, towards back to the desk.  This feeling was totally new for me, and I decided to experiment with it.  So, I went back to my desk, sat and added several sentences to the affirmation script. Then, the words stopped coming again, I detached from it, and followed that impulse in my belly, and did next thing like taking care of my cat, then next, to next.  I fully enjoyed cooking dinner, eating and chatting with my husband, without worrying about not having enough time for myself.

After easily going back and forth between my desk and other places in my house, what I found at the end of the day was that, all the things I intended to do or needed to do were completed effortlessly, including my affirmation script!!  And, usually I have the sense of heaviness and tiredness by the end of days, but on that day, my body remained light!  I thought, “Wow, I can function like this!  I don’t need to know in advance how a day takes course.  It may be a very simple thing, “Just follow my natural flow of energy.”  And I didn’t know about this for all my life!!”

However, the next thing I did was missing the feeling of “Accomplishment”.  I recognized how I was addicted to my “I DID IT, in spite of all the obstacles on my way”-stories, and thought about how I attended to my Toltec practices.  Here in Japan, many people (including me!) loves the story concerning learning attitudes like this:  “To truly learn something, one must first be fitted into “Forms” or “Patterns” which have been cultivated by the ancestors for a long time.  And, a limited number of excellent people, who endured the long, hard process of struggling with the “Forms”, can finally grow out of them, achieving the person’s freedom and balance with his potential ability blossomed, as crystallization of his blood, sweat and tears on the way.”  (I think this attitude is frequently seen in areas of martial arts or traditional arts.)  And the attitude of enjoying the process of learning is often regarded as lack of seriousness, concentration or guts.

However, I noticed that it might also be possible for me to first embrace the ability inside me, and to stay relaxed and enjoy the process unfolding in its way, slowly and gradually into full blossom.  And, this one may be much more fun, easier and lighter!!

Even though I often fall back to my old habits and each time I must remind myself of new ways, realizing these things was a huge release for me.  I felt as if one of the thickest and tightest invisible chains around my chest split off into pieces, and actually I feel I’m now breathing easier and deeper than before.  (I have a slight symptom of asthma for recent few years.)  And, it became a bit easier to find out my limiting beliefs and agreements during days.

Thank you very much for your time reading this, and thanks again for your insight and help in your message and audio course sessions!!

Sincerely, Y. F. in Japan

A lot of people think I am a confident guy… I think I am very good at faking confidence. Why? Because doubt is a constant part of my daily life; every decision I make is questioned by doubt. Because the latter is powerful, I have developed a mechanism to stay deaf to it, so that I can get going in my life and accomplish things. As a result some people perceive me as a very confident guy, and some others as arrogant. I don’t mean to be arrogant. I think it’s the way I fight doubt.

D.

What makes honest self reflection without falling into doubt and self-judgment such a tricky process to master is that we adopt different points of view. We have many sides to our personality and they take on different emotional states.

The thought, “I shouldn”t have said that €, can be made as an honest assessment when we are feeling confident. It is a simple observation that our actions didn”t get us the results we wanted.

We can also have the same comment from a side of our personality that feels it as a great failure. We really screwed something up. This is more often how it is felt. This is the side of our personality that is accepting the judgment as a punishment.

At the same we are making the judgment from another part of our personality that comes with a feeling of being right about our assessment. That side of our personality making the self judgment feels right and justified about punishing our self emotionally.

In this scenario of self assessment turning into self judgment results in a lack of confidence. This speaks to a fear at the core of it. Likely it is a fear of what others will think of us. Below that is a core belief of what we think about our self. How to have confidence is done by dissolving these artificial elements in the mind that create fear.

The technique I teach my clients is to take an inventory of all these (fears, false core beliefs, and sides of our personality) so that we can detach from all of them. We are actually dealing with a matrix of personalities and beliefs in our mind. It is self deceiving to think that there is only one thing to do that will address these multiple variables.

When you dissolve the false beliefs, false self images, and fears you don”t have to project an image of arrogance to compensate. You take on a quiet humble confidence that is unshaken by events or what other people think and say. True confidence doesn’t have to project.

Creating and having confidence can be done.  In my experience it is a multi step process to Self Mastery. But with the number of years remaining in our life, there will be plenty of time for return on our investment of effort.  The sooner we begin in our process the greater will be our reward.
Gary

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Insecurity in Relationships

My lover consistently takes actions I feel are disrespectful and my reaction is that my desire to do loving things for her (sweet talk, flowers, even regular conversation) decreases dramatically.

Q1 How do you determine whether you are withholding your love or preferring not to be disrespected?

Curiously,

J

Consider that it might be both.  We want to be treated with respect. We also might be withholding our love in order to punish our partner.  Withholding love is a way to punish someone until we get what we want.  It may not make sense, but it is what we learned to do as an emotional habit very young.

If you have complete respect for yourself then you don’t feel disrespected by what others do.  If you feel disrespected it is because you have a belief about yourself.  You then feel the emotion that you create through investing in your own belief.  If you feel disrespected it is created as a separate event from how you were treated.  It may be sparked by what another person does, but if you didn’t have that belief in your mind then you wouldn’t feel that emotion, no matter what your partner says. 

Awareness and discernment in pulling apart the dynamic will help.  To get a better idea of what I am talking about I’ll break down some of the agreements and interpretations that might be happening.

It might look like this:
Partner makes a critical comment about something you did or didn’t do.
That’s their half.  End of story.

 Your half of the reaction might look like this:

Your mind interprets a number of things in an instant:
1)  They are right and you shouldn’t have done that. (You accept the judgment)
2) Your mind links what you did to your self worth.
Because you failed at something you are a failure.  Mind generates a self image of failure.
3) Belief in that self image of failure creates unpleasant emotions. (Feeling unworthy) 
Belief in this false self image as being who you are is your act of disrespect to your self. 
Our mind learned to react with interpretations of 1,2, and 3 early in childhood .  For many people it becomes so automatic that we can feel scolded with just a look from our mom.  She doesn’t have to say anything and we feel bad for doing something wrong.  It can be that automatic. 
4)  Our mind interprets that our partner made us feel unworthy. (Disrespected or hurt)
Critical misinterpretation here is that our partner is the one creating our emotions.
This false assumption gives us a sense of powerlessness over our emotional state.  This underlying belief is hidden behind the words, “He/She made me feel (fill in emotion here)__________”
They may have made the comment but it only hurt because we believed some form of it.
5) We blame the other person for making us feel hurt and disrespected. (Victim)
6) We rationalize that their comment was wrong/bad and disrespectful (inner judge)
7) We feel right in our analysis of their behavior and back it up with stories of what they should have said instead.
8) Because we feel right and they are wrong, we now claim the moral high ground.
9) We get angry or resentful as a means of emotional punishment towards our partner for what they said.  This is an automatic response intended to punish our partner to get them to stop with their “disrespectful” comments.  Because we put ourselves on the moral high ground our anger is justified and fortified.

9a)  As an alternate to anger or resentment we also might pull away and distance ourselves.  We stop expressing love and respect.  This can be to avoid the painful comments, but can also be to punish our partner by ignoring or isolating them emotionally.  It is an unconscious and passive way of emotional punishment.  In our lack of awareness we don’t notice that it hurts us more than it hurts them.

10)   (optional)  We become aware that we are angry and judgmental to our partner and we judge ourselves for being angry. 

The emotional reactions and interpretations of steps, 1-10, can happen in less than a second.  Our partner provided the spark to the fire, but with our agreements, and interpretations we brought the paper, kindling, firewood, and gasoline.  What the first person said might be disrespectful but that doesn’t mean they are responsible for our half of the reaction. 

A lot goes on in the mind in that one second doesn’t it.  Scientists say that we only use 10% of our brain.  I don’t think they noticed what we are doing 90% of the time.  

The next level of escalation is that the fire going within us will become the spark that ignites a fire in our partner. At this point refrain and silence is the better part of impeccability. 

This may not be the exact scenario, but this is a common cycle for the mind and emotions to go through in a reaction like this.  We might think of someone who doesn’t react to disrespect or judgmental comments as a Saint but it is not that far out of reach.  It is just a matter of becoming aware and changing a few core beliefs about ourselves.  For me this is a lot less work then living in emotional reaction the rest of my life.  Session 2 of the audio coaching sessions provides a good exercise for dismantling much of the above reaction chain.  It is available in the free users area.

My suggestion to create more respect in your relationship:  Talk with your partner about your half of the reaction.  Some people refer to it as getting naked in the relationship or being vulnerable.  I think of it as being honest. Be sure to take responsibility for your half.  Do not start with what they do to cause your reaction.  If you bring up what your partner does as the spark be sure to maintain responsibility for your half.  They still might interpret that you are blaming them, but you are not responsible for their interpretation. 

If you are uncomfortable bringing this up for discussion then that is a different question.

What creates happiness in our relationships is our love coming out of us.  When we are not happy, it is because our love is not coming out of us.  This usually occurs when we are invested in a reason not to express love.  These are more commonly recognized as judgments and criticisms of other people or our self.  

PS.  The question of whether you really want to be with a person who disrespects you can’t be addressed here.   If it is a case where it is outright abuse, then discussion may be a useless point.  Leaving the relationship may make more sense.  No sense trying to clean up what is going on in your mind in a toxic and abusive environment.

The material here is not a substitute for professional counseling.  These are just my personal perspectives.  Use them as they help.  Throw them out if they don’t.