15 years ago I was enamored with this personal development process.  I had discovered a whole new world.   I felt alive, happy, and excited about my new adventure.  There were fears and false beliefs that I had acquired over my life and I didn’t even know they were there.   I had been dragging them around like a dark cloud over me for years.  I had been unconscious of how they hung on me with worries of success and what others thought of me.  Now I was discovering them and attacking them with excitement and a new sense of freedom as each one fell.

I felt alive, I looked at the world different, and I was happier.  I was excited and wanted to share this new discovery with my friends.  I thought everyone would want to get on board with this process of finding their fears and getting rid of them.

I remember coming back from an Intensive Spiritual Retreat and meeting a friend for dinner.  She asked how my trip was and I proceeded to pour out all my excitement.  After about 3 minutes of non-stop talking I noticed she was leaning back away from me as far as she could.  The look on her face was split between concerns that I joined a cult, and fear that she might catch something.  I realized I needed to soften my presentation.

I continued inviting people to workshops and lectures but with a gentler approach.  I talked in an indirect way about how happy we could be, and how we needed to change these fear based beliefs to do it.  People I talked to continued to be uninterested.   I went from believing that everybody would do this work to thinking hardly anybody will do this work. I began to wonder, why such resistance to being happy?

I reflected on my own process and realized the turning point for me was that I was painfully unhappy.  I had become disillusioned in my career, and around the same time had a high drama relationship that ended.  If it was just the relationship that had crashed I probably could have buried my emotions in my work.  If it was a career that had run aground, I probably could have found comfort in my relationship.  Fortunately for me, both crashed at the same time and I ended up unable to deny how unhappy I was.  Out of a lack of alternatives I needed to do something about the illusions in my mind.

I finally understood why people wouldn’t jump head first into this self awareness process.  It was emotionally uncomfortable.  The process actually involved looking inward at our fears, emotional reactions, and self judgments.  We were doing what some people call shadow work, where we look at the unpleasant emotions we feel.  Facing that critical voice in our head can be a bit scary.  People would tend to avoid that loud abusive voice in their head criticizing them, or the uncomfortable fears they felt.   Over time I realized that I couldn’t push them past this resistance, nor did I want to.

How I Overcame Some Of My Resistance

The word I had for what we were doing was “spiritual.”  The word we used to refer to our selves was “warrior.”  We used the word warrior because we were in a kind of war.  We were fighting to be free of the fears, self judgments, and the tyranny of those voices in our head and false beliefs that controlled our attention.  We were fighting against all the patterns of unhappiness that we created in our mind and our relationships.

As a person’s self importance will do, I began to think of myself and my other spiritual warriors as doing something special.  We were forging into emotionally uncomfortable places others were unwilling to go.  I started to create beliefs that I (we) were more courageous, or fearless, or wiser than others.  I built up a belief system that people who do this type of introspection and belief changing work are more conscious and evolved than the majority of people in the world.   Perhaps I even considered that we were somehow raising the consciousness of the rest of humanity.  The smaller the number of people who entered into this field of challenging their fears and endeavoring to be happy I interpreted as evidence for how special we were, particularly how special I was.  All pretty self important stuff.

Early on in my personal process of change I listened and read Joseph Campbell’s work on the Mythological Journey of the Hero.  My mind used it to feed my self importance.  Yes I was doing something of “mythological” proportions.  I was following the path the masters before me took.  I was doing what the Buddha did facing all the illusions.  My journey inward to an authentic self was the type of journey written about and read for generations to come.  Mythological,,,, that’s what it was.

It’s interesting how the stories about our selves change over time.  Was I really engaged in anything that grandiose?   I don’t think of it that way anymore.  I was certainly living myths, and the story I had of myself at that time was another myth.   All the self importance I had built up around being a spiritual warrior and the special kind of courage it exemplified was another kind of myth I lived by.  They were just stories I had in my mind about myself and other people.   It was a much better story than the victim ones it replaced, but still not the truth.

What of the fears I challenged and the tyranny of the voices in my head telling me I wasn’t good enough and all the things I “should” do to be “good enough”?  Then weren’t they mythological too.  By that I mean they weren’t real.  They didn’t have the properties of physical matter.   I was challenging fears based in stories and beliefs in my mind.  They weren’t even written on paper, that’s how “not real” they were.

One of the fears I had was of what others thought of me.  I was afraid of the opinion or thoughts that might be in another person’s head.  I was living my life and behaving as if I would be hurt, or feel better emotionally depending on anther person’s thoughts.   I tried very hard to impress people and prove myself worthy in their eyes so they wouldn’t have judgmental or negative thoughts in their mind.  I was imagining one kind of story in their head and trying to make a different one exist in their head.  I didn’t have the awareness to realize that all of these assumptions were taking place in my imagination.  I was still in my own imagination when my mind was thinking about what they were thinking.

Later I would realize that if I didn’t have the power to control the voices and opinions in my own head, then I probably didn’t have the power to change the thoughts that went on in someone else’s head

I began to look at these stories, opinions, judgments, and negative thoughts in my fearful imagination that had me scrambling, and that I felt so courageous to challenge? They weren’t real.   They were myths. They were stuff that only existed in my imagination.  They didn’t exist as anything tangible.

Where is a thought?   Can an opinion hurt me?  Can someone actually take an opinion and hit me over the head with it?  Can they do any harm to me physically?   No.  Probably the most solid judgment or criticism that I could receive would be if someone said it out loud to me.  And is it real then?  Is there anything more landing on me than the vibration of their words through the air?   How hard is the vibration of air landing on my skin?   A leaf falling on me from a tree weighs more heavily than the air of someone’s opinion.

So why was I afraid of opinions and judgments from others, or from the voice in my own head?  I believed them.  Those words and judgments from my inner judge landed heavily because I believed them.  I accepted every myth of opinion and judgment as if it were truth.  They only landed with emotional impact when I believed them.   I was scared of the stories in my head simply because I believed them, not because they were real.

Ghost Stories

All those opinions, self judgments, and fears of what others thought were like the ghost stories we had when we were kids.  Little kids are afraid that a boogey man will come out of the closet or out from under the bed.  What makes a child afraid of such imaginary characters?   They believe that such things as boogey men are real.  The ghost they are afraid of isn’t in the closet or under the bed.  It is in their mind, and their mind projects that it is in the closet.

As kids if we leave the light on, and the door cracked we feel a little better.  As if somehow that boogey man will be afraid of the light or a cracked door and will stay away.

As an adult I kept my fears locked in the closet of my unconscious.  I tried to keep my focus on the door cracked open and a little light. I did it by working extra hard to impress people with how much I knew, what my body looked like, or how clever I was.  I focused on those little moments of acceptance and respect from others and lived off that little bit of light.  At the same time afraid to look inward at the self doubts I closeted inside.

Yes I had mythological boogey men inside me.  I was afraid to disappoint the mythical voices in my head.  When I didn’t have any awareness I dreamed up in my imagination failure, rejection, and disappointment a thousand different ways.  Only when I took a journey into those seemingly dark places did I notice they were just dreams. Of course to realize they were just figments of my imagination I had to get in where they were and take a close look.  I opened the closet of my unconscious beliefs and put my attention on what my thoughts and emotions were doing.   I had to control my attention and not look away when there was an impulse of fear or discomfort.  I crawled inside the closet of my mind to see what was really there.

What I discovered were myths in my mind masquerading as something real.    How ironic I thought.  I was convinced that I was some kind of courageous spiritual warrior on a great quest.  What I was really facing were dreams,,, conceptual ideas of the mind… and ghosts stories.  They were no more real than the figments of imagination a child has about what is under the bed.  What I was doing wasn’t very courageous at all when you find out there was nothing there to be afraid of.

Do I think a 10 or 12 year old child who challenges the projected myths of his or her imagination and looks under the bed are courageous?  No, not really.  They are just doing the common sense thing and waking up from dreams and illusions in their mind and I couldn’t consider myself as this spiritual warrior to be any thing courageous either. I had about as much courage as a 10 year unable to sleep at night finally looking under the bed.  After all,, wasn’t I just facing my own ghost stories?

Why do we avoid dealing with our issues and keep putting them off?  We avoid it because in our mind we make believe our issues are scarier than they are.  Much like the 10 year old who doesn’t look under the bed, we don’t look inward because it is uncomfortable.  Instead we just crack the door and leave a small light on somewhere to distract us from our imagination.  We hurry about the tasks of our day trying not to notice how our imagination projects illusions and then how we react to them.

The challenge with our own mind is that we are fighting dreams.  They aren’t real, but they seem that way when we believe in them.

Over the course of our life we gather up beliefs.  For the most part that’s not a problem.  Most of our beliefs help us understand the world and how it works so we can function in it. However, some of those beliefs are not going to be true.  Some of those beliefs will have unnecessary fears associated with them. These are myths we believe in and cause us unhappy emotions.  You could also call them lies.

Because we accept these myths to be truth, they appear real in our mind.  We react emotionally to fearful outcomes as if they already happened.  We imagine our partner with someone else and we get angry as if they did it.  In reality it didn’t happen. It was just in our imagination.  With faith in these mythological stories we make them bigger than they are.

Then after imagining these myths we tell ourselves other lies.  We tell ourselves that they are hard to change, that we can’t make them go away.  We tell ourselves we have to live with them.  We tell ourselves we can’t change, it’s just the way we are.  More myths about change and ourself built on top of the first set of lies.

Then, for some people, something happens.  Usually the pain of living by these myths causes so much suffering that we have no choice.  We have to challenge them.  We begin a mythological journey.  A path of challenging the myths we’ve lived by.  We apply some skills, we have some successes, and we celebrate change.  We begin to build better lives.  We tell ourself we are doing something big.  It’s true that we feel happier and are more free, but not everything we think is true.

If you run this route far enough you run the risk of self important lies like I did.  You look at yourself, compared to others lack of challenging their beliefs, and you begin to think of yourself as special.  It’s a nice lie.  It feels good to think of one’s self as better than others.  It doesn’t really hurt anyone.  In a way it helps give you confidence and faith in your self that you can challenge the bigger fears and false beliefs in your mind.   Your new Ego is an ally helping dismantle the myths we live by.  In some circles it’s called the Spiritual Ego.

Then, at some point in your journey, the Spiritual Ego becomes one of the few remaining myths you live by.  With enough awareness of self, this grandiose image of ourself as a courageous warrior no longer fits.  These false beliefs that seemed so big and scary in the beginning aren’t a big deal anymore.  Maybe it is because we have been doing the work for a while so it doesn’t feel like a big deal anymore.  Maybe it is because we realize that we are only fighting dreams in our imagination.  We realize that to face such a challenge doesn’t really take any extraordinary courage at all.  It just takes common sense.

So with our most powerful tool, common sense, we realize the spiritual warrior or enlightened being with special consciousness story doesn’t seem to fit anymore.  We are left to dissolve that mythological image of a Spiritual Ego.    We drop it.   With that the spiritual ego dissolves, we become more humble.  We become authentic.  We begin to experience a new kind of peace and happiness free of the myths in our mind.

These are some of the steps you may face on your Pathway To Happiness.

You will find an outline of practical exercises and practices for identifying and changing your core beliefs in the Self Mastery course. It’s an audio program that you can download and listen to.   The first 4 sessions are free.

Gary

From the TED Talks Archives:

We can’t solve our problems by laying down a set of rules and pretending that following them to the letter will produce desired results. There are consequences for having rules, and they are not always good.

Some people define faith as a belief in something for which they have no evidence for.  Others think of faith as a set of religious beliefs.  These are limited uses and understanding of faith.  Faith is a force.  Think of it as a life force energy that you direct, consciously or unconsciously.  It is a force you use every day.   People and use faith every day in ways that are very real and practical but hardly notice.  This force of faith that you use has profound impact on your thoughts, emotions, and behavior.

People use faith when they exchange money. A dollar has value largely because people believe it has value.  People have invested faith in the idea that dollars can be traded for food, gas, clothing, services, and other things.  Because other people also have faith in this same use of money it works and appears to be truth.

We put our money in a bank because we have faith that a bank is a safe place for our money.  When people have fear and doubts about the safety of that bank their faith dissolves. Or, more specifically, they invest faith in the idea that the bank is unsafe. Then they withdraw their money.  If enough people withdraw their money from a bank, it can collapse.  Even if the bank is solvent it can collapse because people no longer have enough faith in the bank. You could say that the strength of a bank is more dependent on faith of people than the actual balance sheet of the bank.

The price of a stock is largely determined by faith.  People will value and pay for a stock dependent on what is their BELIEF.   Faith is the force that makes that belief strong.  If people lose their faith in that company, then they sell their stock.  The action of selling stock is determined by where they invest their faith.  The value of a stock is determined by the faith people have in the value of a company stock.  You could say that the whole stock market is held up by the power of the faith people have in its overall worth.  That’s why prices of stocks and the whole market can change so quickly.  When people shift what they have their faith in things can change quickly.  When you change what beliefs you have invested faith in your life can change very quickly.

The value of stock, a piece of real estate, a dollar, euro, or peso is largely a matter of faith.  They are worth what people “believe” they are worth.  Only when other people believe the same thing does that belief appear real.   When people no longer put the force of their faith behind the value of a stock the price falls.   More precisely we can say that they have taken their faith out of the “idea” that the stock’s value.  People don’t invest their faith in a stock, but rather in the idea of a stock’s value.  Then they put their money in the stock based on how much faith they invested in the idea of value for that stock.  If you see this relationship it becomes clear that our actions are based on the power of faith we have invested in ideas.

Faith Impacts How We Feel

Faith in yourself can give you a feeling of confidence. If you believe that you can do something, you have faith in your ability and you produce a feeling of confidence.  When you doubt your ability, you are also investing faith.  You invest your faith in the ideas and images that you will fail, and that people will judge you.  When you put faith in those ideas and images you create emotions of fear or insecurity.  In both cases, you are expressing the energy of faith.  It is just that you express it into different conceptual ideas, outcomes, and self-images and this produces different emotions.

Suppose you did something in your past and later wish you hadn’t done it. If you invest faith in that idea then you will create emotions of guilt.  If you invest faith in the idea that you are a bad person for what you have done then you will create emotions of shame.  Guilt is an emotion based in something you have done, while shame is an emotion based in a belief about what you are.  The strength of the emotions you feel will depend on how much faith you have in these ideas about your self.   With the force of faith you can create these emotions within your self even if the story is not true.   But by creating these feelings the story will feel true.

Most everything you feel about yourself derives from the faith you invest in various ideas about yourself. Two people could have the same experience of hardship and failure, but invest their faith in opposite interpretations about what would happen next time.  One might believe he will fail again, while the other person might invest faith in the idea that she will do better next time because of her commitment or what she learned.   Failure didn’t determine how a person felt, but rather what ideas they invested their faith in did. Each person is using the energy of faith and investing it in one belief or another about themselves and the future.  Each creates a different belief system, and produces different emotions.  One person will become more focused committed and feel confident,,, the other will generate insecurity.  The action that each person takes from then on will be congruent with where they have invested their faith.

If you are feeling emotions of fear, shame, guilt, and unhappiness, it is because you have invested faith in conceptual ideas that create these emotions.  The ideas that are in your head and your self images are not the truth.  But if you invest faith in them they will produce emotions and create the feeling of being real.  The emotions you create with your faith are real, but the images and ideas of your beliefs are not.    If you want to change how you feel one of the things you will have to learn to do is divest your faith from these false beliefs.

In recovering the power of your faith from these false beliefs not only will your level of happiness change, but your actions and behavior will changes as well.  Another benefit of recovering your faith from these false beliefs is that you will then have the personal power to choose a new set of beliefs and take the actions to create a new life based on what you really want.

Learning how to gain control over the force of your faith is something that the Self Mastery course will help you do.

In our mind we develop images of who we are.  Our imagination develops a story of our self and we imagine our self in different roles.  Those images and story roles in our imagination can be of a success, or of failure and rejection.  It is through imagining our self in various stories that we create emotions of insecurity.

Some of images and stories can be created when we are young, but we can create them as adults as well.  One of the most powerful elements in creating emotions through our mind this way has to do with point of view.  Imagination gives us the ability to shift our point of view to the character, or image in our mind.  When this happens we view our self, and other people through the interpretation of the image we have imagined.  Adopting the point of view, or perspective, of this distorted image in our imagination is the cause of many emotions, including insecurity.

If we are imagining that we are a success, a winner, or that people love us, we view our self from this perspective.  Not only do we believe our self to be that image of a success, but we look at our self from that point of view.  We could call this having positive self esteem.   The perspective that we adopt has as much, or more to do with feeling confident than the image we have of our self.  However, both are part of creating the feeling and emotions of confidence.

If we have an image in our mind of being a failure, loser, or that nobody loves us, and believe that this negative image us is, then we will feel the corresponding emotions.  Belief in that negative self image will cause us to shift our viewpoint to the perspective of a loser, or failure.  The result is that our beliefs, perspective, and emotions become congruent and we really appear to our self as a failure that nobody loves.  We can call this having negative self esteem.

Feeling insecure is not just based on a mental image in the mind.  Creating the feelings of insecurity, or confidence, is a combination of self image, belief in that image, and your point of view.  Just changing your self image will do little to overcome your insecurity if you do not change your beliefs, and your point of view as well.

Why it is difficult to get rid of feelings of insecurity

First there is an image in our mind of who we are.  When we believe that the image is actually us, we meld our point of view to that perspective in our imagination.  When our perspective is shifted to this negative self image it is difficult to see, or believe, anything positive about our self.

When people attempt to get rid of their feelings of insecurity, they try building in their mind a positive a self image.  This approach will likely fail or be difficult at best for two reasons.   First, it will be difficult to believe in that positive self image while you are in a negative self image point of view.

Second, as long as you still have belief that the negative self image is you, that belief will continue to pull you towards that perspective of your self.   The belief (faith) you have in the negative self image acts as an anchor weighing you down until you dissolve this belief.  Changing this false belief about your self is critical to dissolving feelings of insecurity.  Recovering your faith from this false belief about your self will keep you from creating feelings of insecurity. It is also a key to shifting your point of view about your self.

Building a positive self image does not do anything to dissolve the existing negative self image that is creating the feelings of insecurity.  Creating, and believing in a positive self image can help you feel better, but it will be limited.  Without dissolving the belief in the negative image feeling confident will be limited.  It can also create a conflict in your mind.

Confusion about Self Esteem

What is self esteem?   “Esteem” means high regard or opinion.
Self esteem is having an opinion of high regard for your self.
You could also call it self respect.

The imagination is an extraordinary mechanism that allows for may possibilities.  We can have negative and positive images of our self, and we can believe in both.  We can also perceive our self and our beliefs from different viewpoints.  This makes it possible to feel very confident in one moment, and feel very insecure in the next.  A shift in our point of view can change depending on who we are talking with, or as fast as the topic we are discussing.  We can feel confident in one area of discussion, and insecure about something else.

It is also possible to feel both positive and negative self esteem at the same time.  This happens because we can simultaneously hold conflicting beliefs about our self.  An example of this might be when you have to give a talk or presentation.  Intellectually, you consciously know you are prepared and trust that it will go fine.  However you might still have feelings of worry and nervousness.  This is because elsewhere within your belief system remains some faith in a failed outcome stemming from a negative self image story.

If you don’t understand how your mind can run multiple stories, has beliefs based on different self images, and how different points of view affects your emotions, it can be very confusing as to why you feel different emotions about the same thing.

Attempting to shed feelings of nervousness by telling your self positive thoughts can help some, but probably isn’t going to do the full trick.  Thoughts are not nearly as powerful as beliefs in the negative images or ideas of failure.  Beliefs have a lot more power than thoughts because they contain the power of your faith that you invested in them.

Good Self Esteem vs. Bad Self Esteem

Odd feelings can happen when we attempt to make our self feel better by enhancing our positive self esteem, or self image.  If we attempt boosting our confidence with tools like affirmations, we can create a conflict in the mind.  We envision a positive image of our self and attempt to put faith in the idea that that image is us.   The problem we run into is that we might be looking at that image from the point of view of a failure with the feelings of low self worth.

When doing this practice from a negative image point of view we can feel like a fraud.  From the negative image point of view we don’t really believe that the positive image is us.  If we have awareness we will also know that the image we are projecting is false.  It is a good positive image, but still not what we really are.   The voices in our head can engage in self judgment over this disparity and possibly push our self esteem lower.  As a result we end up feeling worse about our self than before we started trying to improve it.

The Third Option to Overcoming Insecurity

The beliefs that we developed about our self essentially fall into two categories.  They have to do with the negative self images we have created in our mind, and the positive self images we have created.  When feeling insecure we are in the point of view of the negative self images.  From this perspective it appears that the solution is to build positive self images for more positive self esteem and confidence.  This is just an appearance from a limited point of view.  This approach will help us feel better, but it has problems.  The essential problem is that we are not the image we have in our mind.  No matter how wonderful and terrific that image is… it is still just an image in our imagination.

The beliefs we have of our self are based on a mental construct we call a self image.  They are not based on what we really are, therefore it is not a solid base of confidence.  These images exist only as construct in our imagination.  Supported by our belief (or faith) in them, they can seem real.  However, our self images in the mind are not real.   They are not who or what we are.

Basing our emotions, self love, behavior, actions, and self worth, on a mental image in our mind also causes us to be false.   When we pretend to be that image in our mind, even a very positive one, we are not in our integrity.  We are not genuine or authentic.  Having a positive self image, one that you put a lot of faith in, will help you to feel more confident.  However, those feelings will be built on a shaky foundation of an abstract mental picture of your self.  Anytime your opinion of your self is altered, or your point of view wanders from that perspective, your emotions will follow.

Having a solid base of confidence in which to live your life involves having faith in your Self,,, not in an image of your self.   To accomplish this you will have to take your faith out of the beliefs in both the negative and positive self images.  This will not only free up your emotions from insecurity, but will allow you to put that faith in your authentic Self.  This is a much stronger foundation for confidence than an image in your mind.   It will require that you first gain some awareness and control over what is going on in your mind, including your point of view.  However, once you do this you discover some pretty interesting things.

One of the things that you discover as you gain control over your beliefs and imagination is that you are not what, or who, you believe you were.  You were not those images in the stories that ran around in your imagination.  You discover that you can decide story you will create in your imagination and what you are going to believe about your self.  With awareness you also learn what perspective you will adopt in any moment about any situation.  This will allow you to decide how you will feel emotionally about your self, people, or events in your life.

When we don’t have awareness we developed stories and beliefs about our self and learned to live in emotional reaction to those beliefs.  When you learn to change and control your beliefs, you aren’t subject to emotional reactions anymore.   Learning to control your point of view gives you control over your beliefs, and control over what you believe gives you mastery over your emotions.    This takes a little more work than just building a positive self image, but the benefits are bigger, and last you for your life.

Practical exercises in awareness  for dissolving false self images, beliefs, and changing your point of view can be found in the Self Mastery audio course. The first 4 sessions are free for you to sample.

Related MateriaL
Overcoming Insecurity
Jealousy

David had a relationship break up about 5 years ago. In the aftermath he felt miserable. The voices in his head were kicking in with a lot of harsh self judgments, at least harsher than usual. It wasn’t an entirely new dynamic, but the amplified self criticisms of being a loser, “nobody will want to be with me”, “another failed relationship”, and “I’ll forever be alone,” hurt so much that he couldn’t ignore them anymore. He decided to do something about it. David committed to stopping those incessant negative thoughts of self judgment that were wreaking havoc on his emotions.

After a few months of David’s best and most willful effort he concluded that he wasn’t getting anywhere. He had assumed they were just thoughts, small things, and not very powerful. How difficult could these be to change? But after months of trying and failing to stop them his mind concluded that he was less powerful than those little thoughts and voices in his head. What did that say about him if he failed to make even these simple changes? He must not be able to do much of anything. David concluded that he was a hopeless case failure. If he didn’t have what it took to beat these thoughts then he didn’t deserve to be happy and successful.

After his failed attempt for change he felt even worse than before he tried.

Of course that conclusion isn’t surprising since the part of his mind making it was the same judge and victim characters that were creating all the self judgments to begin with. But I digress.

The important part of the story is that somehow David didn’t stop. There was another part of his being, a part of his being with a desire for more love and happiness and it wouldn’t rest. That part kept searching and trying.

5 Years later:

I met David on the phone a couple months ago. We have since talked several times. In a conversation a couple weeks back he shared with me the story above and his concluding beliefs from 5 years ago. He had forgotten about them until that week.

However the agreements he made about himself weren’t forgotten. The faith he had put in those beliefs about being a hopeless failure were still there. He had invested faith in that conclusion about himself and turned it into a belief. His faith from years ago was powerful enough to keep that belief alive in his mind for years. The result of that powerful force of faith was the opinions that still echoed in his head. It was by watching those opinions of his internal dialog that he was able to spot the thread.

As he shared the story he could still feel a connection to the failure self image and the emotions it produced of unworthiness and insecurity. He didn’t know how to detach himself from this sticky failure image. Intellectually he could see it was just the conclusion at the time, but somehow the emotion and feeling didn’t shift. To him the belief was still true even though intellectually he didn’t want it to be. This is dynamic is more understandable when you become aware that faith and beliefs aren’t made and changed by the intellect.

Understanding Expectations of Self Judgment

You can’t change the beliefs if you can’t change the assumptions they are built upon. And you can’t change the assumptions they are build upon if you can’t see them. When it comes to self judgment some of the most common hidden assumptions are expectations. David saw in his flash back the concluding self judgment he believed about himself, but he didn’t yet see the assumptions and interpretations that preceded it. Without changing these preceding elements the beliefs remain stuck. We don’t usually see the assumptions but our faith goes into them and the implied agreements as well as the concluding statement we do see.

I explored this with Dave and it resulted in some surprising discoveries of hidden assumptions. I asked Dave how he went about attempting to change his self judgments. He described basically willing his mind to stop the chatter and miserable emotions. I asked him how effective this approach was. Dave explained that it wasn’t effective at all. I asked him what he did then. Dave said that he tried harder at willing his thoughts and emotions to change. And how did that work I asked. “Not any better”, Dave replied.
I asked Dave if he tried any other approaches. Dave said, “No, that’s all I could come up with.”

“So let me get this straight,” I inquired, “You attempted to will your internal dialog and emotions to change. When that didn’t work, you tried even harder to do the very thing that didn’t work”
“Yes,” Dave answered. “And when that technique didn’t work for the umpteenth time you concluded that you failed?”
“Yes,” Dave answered.

I had a few more questions in this discovery process.

Did you research and find books that had effective strategies for eliminating self judgments? “No.” *
Did you consult with a therapist who had a track record of helping people get rid of their self judgments? “No.”
Did you consult with any professionals who had a track record of helping people get rid of their self judgments? “No.”
Do you even know anyone that has gotten rid of their self judgments that you could talk to about how to do this? “No.”
Do you know anyone that is without self judgments that you could us as a model for behavior and attitude as an example? “No.”
Then I had to ask Dave how long he thought it should take him to stop the self judgment pattern. More specifically, what the critical voice of the inner judge thought it should take to rid the self judgment pattern. Dave said two months.
And just how long has this pattern of self judgment been going on? “Since I was probably about 5 years old I suppose,” said Dave.

“So let me get this straight. You had decided to stop this internal pattern of self judgment that has been going on for about 30 years. You are going to do this with no resources. You have no specific insights or knowledge of how to change the beliefs in your mind, but you are going to figure this out, and be successful at it. You don’t have any input from people who have done this effectively, or have taught others to do this effectively. You don’t know anyone who has done it to model your self after for an effective strategy. So without any of effective plans, strategy, tools, training, or resources you are expecting to succeed in two months?”

Dave was quiet as he considered my question.

Managing Expectations

With the help of some thin slicing Dave could see many of the assumed beliefs that he had unknowingly invested his faith in. The inner judge’s expectation of two months for success seemed rather ridiculous when you stood it up against the complete lack of resources, training, guidance, and support for the task at hand.

As the expectation became clear Dave’s faith started to naturally fall out of the silly expectations without much effort at all. And as his faith in the elements of the expectation drained, so did the believability of the self judgment. Dave’s agreement about being a hopeless failure dissolved as he focused his awareness on the details of his false beliefs. There wasn’t any loud strike of lightening moment. Only a quiet profound realization of “Oh,,, wow. I had no idea.” And that’s one of the ways you change a core belief through awareness.

Dave works in the construction industry so the use of the following story was used to help him put the old story of self judgment in a new context.

I said, “If I don’t give you any tools, and I tell you to build a house in two months, what chances for success do you have? “None,” Dave said. Do you know anybody that can build a house in two months without any tools? “No. No one can do that. Even a skilled builder with training can’t do it without tools.” Dave replied.

I continued, “Now, if no one you know can make a house in two months without tools, does that mean they are all failures?” “No, they are not failures. They just wouldn’t have the resources they need. They are very capable and successful people it’s just that they would be set up for failing no matter how good they are,” Dave replied.

“The same is with you Dave. The same is with you. You took on the task of dismantling the self judgments and core beliefs in your mind without any plans, tools, training, or resources that you would need. That doesn’t make you a failure. That just means you underestimated the task, and didn’t know how to prepare for it. Not knowing what you were getting into with changing your beliefs and emotions you mismanaged the expectations on the project. You can’t take this one experience and conclude what it means about you.”

And with a clearer understanding that didn’t come from his existing belief system, the inner judge, or victim point of view, Dave’s old belief dissolved and the emotion along with it.

Hidden Elements of Judgment and Beliefs

Your mind will attempt to make conclusions about what kind of person you are. It will cast down self judgments and criticisms. Or sometimes it will raise your self importance in order to set you up for a big fall later. If you aren’t aware of the elements like implied agreements, hidden assumptions, and expectations, then your beliefs will take your emotional body for a ride that you don’t control. And usually it is not a fun one at that.

If you want to take action to change your core beliefs and interpretations that drive self judgments and your emotions, you will find a set of plans, tools, and a step by step training approach in the Self Mastery audio course. The Advanced Series focuses several sessions specifically on breaking the patterns of self judgment. If you prefer a more focused approach you can supplement the audio sessions with personal coaching.

And for those that want a jump start boost on the process, you are invited to join me on the Spiritual Intensive to Mexico.

You can’t change the beliefs and assumptions you are not aware of. If you can’t change your beliefs and assumptions, you can’t change your interpretations that drive your emotions. That makes awareness the key to mastering your emotions.

Related Material

mp3 audio on Self Judgment

I spoke with James the other day who was trying to figure out what he should do about his relationship. He and his girlfriend had broken it off again and he didn’t know if he should give up or try whole heartedly to commit. It was a pattern he had done before.

He was frustrated because he couldn’t come up with an answer to his question. It was especially frustrating because James is an educated, intelligent, and professionally successful guy.

James had a number of beliefs that created impossible conflicts for him to make the right choice about his relationship. He didn’t see those core beliefs. He also didn’t see that he was asking the wrong questions. He was operating unaware of what his mind was doing to him. Kind of like those cats reacting and chasing the red dot reflecting on the floor. They don’t notice the person moving the laser pointer around that is in control.

Should I end the Relationship

If he ended the relationship he was facing the prospect of being alone. Related to being alone his mind constructed a scenario of being lonely, depressed, and in grief over the loss of the relationship. His mind didn’t have another chapter to that future story. To avoid the painful emotions his assumptions projected his mind darted to staying in the relationship as a solution.

Should I Stay in the Relationship

His mind had set up an impossible structure of being with this woman. Actually it painted a terrible picture for being with any woman. James has a number of beliefs about what it means to be a husband and father. It would require him to spend all his energy trying to be the “perfect husband” in order to fit the image he had fabricated in his mind. James felt overwhelmed at the task. He felt he wasn’t up to it. Based on those expectations the Inner Judge in his mind concluded he wasn‘t good enough.

His mind also projected that the responsibility wouldn’t allow him freedom and flexibility in his career choices if he had to provide for a family. He saw it as an unending treadmill with little room to do other things he enjoys. James felt trapped by that picture of his imagined future. In that picture he was both feeling trapped and feeling unworthy.

“What should I do?“

The world of the mind and imagination is a fascinating place. You can easily lose your attention there and feel lost and powerless. The belief system in the mind constructs a picture of being alone and unhappy. The belief system also makes assumptions about a committed relationship and projects being burdened, trapped, and unhappy in marriage. After constructing these two unhappy scenarios the mind then asks, the question,

“What should I do?“

There is something particularly crafty about this question in this scenario. Layered into the question are hidden assumptions that point the attention to look only at these two previously constructed possibilities. Cats are a lot like this with that laser pointer. They lose sight of everything else around them. Their ability to focus is one thing that makes them great hunters. It’s also what makes them chase reflections and miss the bigger picture. Cats are so focused on the reflection they can’t see who is moving that laser light.

James puts his attention on trying to find an answer to that very simple question. That one question has trapped his attention.

He follows a direction of logic until he imagines the possibility of being alone. When the emotional body begins to perceive the unhappiness of this projected future it begins to look for another way. It’s a natural instinct to avoid emotional pain, even if it is from reflections in the imagination.

He considers committing to the relationship for the rest of his life. It’s the only other option his mind offers. His core beliefs have constructed an image of what he is supposed to be as a man. It includes perfect husband, protector, emotionally available, supportive, and a bred winner financially. He should be “like a rock”.

According to this Image of Perfection there’s no room for not knowing what to do in any situation. There is no latitude to be human. There too little room to enjoy his life, and have fun within this imagined box his beliefs have built. If he doesn’t meet this image he is a failure according to his inner judge. The Image of Perfection is so high that failure is certain. The imagined emotions are too unbearable to consider. His mind jumps to another reflection of light darting past in his mind. He has to get out of the relationship. The cats run the other way down the hall.

When James looks for an answer he isn’t going to find anything solid. He’s chasing reflections of imagined futures that his fears and core beliefs are projecting. Since his fears and beliefs of not being good enough are projecting the future everything looks bleak. He feels trapped and yet compelled to answer.

He doesn’t look beyond those two options because that one question has trapped his attention. “What should I do” implies that there is a “right” answer and that he should choose it. It assumes that one of the two scenarios in front of him is “right”. It assumes the other will be wrong. Oddly enough neither question addresses his happiness directly. Happiness in life is left as an indirect consequence of choosing the “right” answer.

That question puts his whole future happiness into one choice. With that much weighing in the balance the question makes itself more important. It becomes vital that he find an answer. He focuses his attention even more into the possibilities of those two answers hoping to see something he missed before.

It’s like the cat trying to put his paw on the red dot.

What James fails to realize is that the question and assumed answers has trapped his attention. The construct of beliefs is a much bigger trap than the relationship could ever be. At least in relationship there is always the prospect of break up or divorce. His mind doesn’t offer alternate options. When the attention is trapped by beliefs and assumptions like this a person doesn’t have the awareness to see other options.

Cat’s are a lot like this when they chase reflections of light. Sometimes they chase the light reflection from my watch all over the office as I type. Their instinct to hunt that spec of light down is pure survival instinct. Humans are like that. Since the time we were very little we spent years in school training to find the right answers to questions that other people asked. We spent years learning to answer questions as if our survival depended on it.

What we didn‘t learn

We never learned to ask the questions. We were not trained to ask our self better questions so that we can come up with a better answer. We never learned to question the question. Because we didn’t control the questions we never got a chance to direct where our attention went. We just chased answers. We even jump to find answers when our own mind asks the question. We chase the reflection instead of grabbing the pointer.

The problem that James faces is not that he is stupid and can’t figure out the answer. The problem is that he doesn’t hold the laser light. He is not beginning with useful questions. “What should I do?” doesn’t have an answer that will make him feel happy and fulfilled.

What will help James is to stop chasing reflections of light and get hold of the source. He’s got to get hold of the laser pointer in his mind that is asking the questions. It’s the part of his mind leading the show. When he starts asking better questions he will stop chasing dead ends.

Ask a better question Get a Better Answer

Do I want to be happy? How important is it?
Have I ever been happy when I was alone? Is it possible for me to be happy with other people? How much of my happiness is dependent on me? How much of my happiness is dependent on another person? How much of my happiness do I want to be dependent on another person? How do I change the balance?

What do I want to feel emotionally? What do I want my relationships to feel like? What can I do to feel that way all the time?

Free Will – Does James have a choice to be happy?

At the level of awareness that James is operating on it won’t make much difference to his happiness how he chooses. No matter the choice his mind will second guess himself afterwards with doubting questions. The voice in his head with questions will cause him to wonder if he made the “right” choice. His mind will imagine different scenarios and produce insecurity, fear, and unhappiness about his choices. His Inner Judge and Victim will conclude he was wrong with either choice. It’s just how that part of the mind operates until you become aware enough to change it.

The Pursuit of Happiness

The motivation for the “should” question was always about being happy. The real question was, “What should I do so that I will be happy in my life?” It’s just that when you shorten it you get caught up in a different question. The emphasis changes from being happy to being “right.” Your mind puts in different assumptions and you chase impossible answers up and down the hallways of your mind.

Cats chase reflections of light hoping to catch their prey. They don’t have the awareness to notice who is holding the light source. People are a lot like cats. People chase answers to questions that trap their attention and spin them in circles.

If you want a happier outcome in your relationships and your life don’t just chase better answers. Get a hold of the light source and control where you point your attention.

For exercises in gaining control over your attention, changing core beliefs, and changing the emotional experience of your life, listen to the free audio sessions in Self Mastery.

___________________

Suggested Listening – Hidden Assumptions in Questions – MP3 Audio Download. This is from a previously posted podcast.

I wrote to you about a week ago about how my jealousy issue and how I have a problem with my girlfriends past, and how that is very hypocritical of me because my past is less pure then hers. I have taken your advice and picked up “The Four Agreements” and “The Voice of Knowledge”. I am half way through “The Four Agreements” and I am very pleased with it. I have also listened to the “Gratitude” and “Abdication of Power” audio lessons. Once again very pleased.

The question I have is about the “Abdication of Power”. I understand that when I am getting angry, jealous, or frustrated to take a look at what exactly is going on in the current situation in the way you describe. But what I don’t understand is why take a look at a situation as to where I’m happy? Why break down that situation to change my emotional state?

For example I just got off the phone with my girlfriend and like usual we get along and we love talking to each other and this of course makes me happy. So why break it down to get away from being happy. When I am mad, jealous or angry I want to break the situation down to get away from that…so pretty much kind of confused..
Thank you for your time, SK

Hi SK,

First of all email is a really poor communication medium. It’s too easy to misunderstand what you are specifically talking about, and then too easy for you to misinterpret my reply.

As I understand your question, why break down where all the happy feelings come from? I don’t think I directed you in the Power Sessions to do that. (maybe I’m wrong cause I haven’t listened to them recently.)  But basically happiness comes from expressing love. No problem there.

Making sure I hit the point, I don’t think anywhere did I mention to get away from the happy feeling.  That’s not the direction I’m suggesting. If you got that impression from somewhere let me know and I’ll go look at my material and make the clarifications.

Don’t try to understand or dissect what isn’t broken.
Apply the exercises to the emotional reactions that you don’t enjoy for starters.

Understanding all the sources of our happy emotions is a bit more challenging and should be done later. Why would you even do it later?

One advantage of doing it is that you discover that you express love and are happy from certain triggers. Suppose someone says to you that are very smart and good looking. If your reaction to that compliment by way of your belief system is to feel good then your emotional state of happiness is dependent on compliments from other people. By this belief structure you are likely to feel poorly if they comment to you in derogatory way.  This isn’t a very empowering way to live.   You will be at the mercy of having to fish for compliments from other people. If they are having an emotionally down day then they won’t be as likely to serve them up.

We are then trapped because our happiness relies on that trigger from other people verbalizing their opinion. This can make us a slave to other people’s opinion. Maybe we do it just a little bit, but why do it at all.

But this is all a bit more advanced. Start with the emotional reactions that are unpleasant. You will be more motivated to dissect and find the false beliefs behind those emotional reactions.

Not sure if I’ve clarified the questions you might have. This is my long range stab via email. It’s much easier to address these types of things in a session over the phone.

Gary

It was many years before I began to find a different kind of courage. It was a kind of courage that wasn’t easy to spot at first. It wasn’t the kind of courage that inspired external actions or would result in any medals or awards. I think of it as real courage.

From my point of view real courage is that attribute necessary to face and challenge our own inner demons. Real courage is that gumption to go face to face with your fears, anger, insecurities, and the voices of sabotage, doubt and judgment in your mind. It is a willful act of personal strength that you draw upon to deal with the conflicts in the mind and make peace within. Many people have fought wars with enemies outside of them. It is a rare kind of courage to take up the fight to make peace within.

To face that critical voice in your head and tell it that you will not believe its criticisms isn’t an easy thing to do. Oddly enough it isn’t even something that many people consider doing. They just go along with the less than favorable opinions they have of other people. They go along with the unkind and even self abusive opinions about themselves. Why do we fail to stand up to these self abusive comments? Why don’t people stand up against the tyranny in their own mind? Perhaps it doesn’t occur to us to challenge those thoughts. But perhaps it doesn’t occur to us because we are afraid of what will happen if we challenge those inner demons.

What will happen if we look face to face at our anger instead of just expressing it? What will happen if we look into all the justifications for why we are angry and say, “I don’t want to justify and defend feeling this way. What will happen if we look directly at our stories of insecurity, stand up for our self and say, “You have no power over me”?

Why does challenging the voices and rationalizations behind our unhappiness take such courage? Part of the issue is that we have come to unquestioningly trust our mind. We trust it to make decisions for us and to keep us safe from physical pain and emotional hurt. It has structured a giant list of rules to follow in order to keep from getting hurt. It constantly reminds of these rules with its “should” and “shouldn’t” chatter. We learned follow our thinking mind blindly. Yet it is those same voices that can keep us up at night with uncontrollable chatter driving us to fear and anxiety with imagined stories of terrible outcomes. Oddly we trust this very same mind to guide us to happiness.

So what is so scary about challenging the beliefs, thoughts, and opinions, in the mind that it needs real courage? Very simply, if we can’t trust our mind then what can we trust? This notion of not trusting our mind to tell us what to do can push us towards a fear that we will want to avoid.
A person needs real courage to challenge the thoughts in their head because without that mind in charge what are we going to trust to keep them safe from emotional pain? We have come to rely on every thought from our mind as being true that we feel we need it there to guide us. We trust our mind to keep us free of emotional pain and yet it is the principle means by which we generate emotional pain and anxiety.

There is a slight shift you can make to help begin the journey. It is to make a difference between trusting your mind and trusting your self. You can learn not to believe in the thoughts in your mind and still believe in your self.

What are those rules in our mind that are driven by our inner demons of fear? Fear tells us, don’t fall in love or you will get hurt. Fear tells us, that if we start that business we might fail. Fear tells us not to speak up in the meeting because we might look foolish. Fear tells us not to do something for our self because we don’t want to be labeled as selfish. Fear tells us not to climb too high we might fall. Those thoughts are rules that are supposed to help us be better off emotionally. Of course each rule requires loading our self down with a fear.

Challenging your demon thoughts and beliefs is like letting go of a hand rail that we have hung on to for safety. Our fear says that we should hang on or else we might fall and get hurt. Our fear has been reminding us ever since we fell down on the play ground as a little kid and got hurt. It has been pounding the message into our being until we don’t let go of any handrails. Learning to hang on to the handrails may be a good idea when we are little and haven’t fully developed our balance and muscle control. However when we get older we still follow the advice of fear in our mind. Fear has become our adviser in making choices in our life.

You can’t run very fast or far in your life if you don’t let go of the handrail of fear.
We sometimes fool ourselves and think that we are gripped by fear. The reverse is true. We hang on to fear as a trusted adviser gripping it as if it were going to keep us from getting hurt emotionally. We cling to all its advice in hopes that we won’t get hurt. We don’t realize that hanging on to these beliefs and fears extracts its own kind of emotional price. Fear becomes our mythological god. We follow its counsel, we trust its words. When we obey those voices of fear in our mind and serve our personal god of fear and all its laws.

What happens when we disobey the god of fear? Perhaps we hold the belief that bad things will happen to us if we disobey the rules of the god of fear. Perhaps that god of fear will judge us for being stupid and not following its advice. There is the fear of being punished or feeling guilty for disobeying. There become fearful consequences for challenging our fears. Imagine that, fear of breaking free of agreements of fear.

To challenge your personal fears may feel like taking on a whole nest of inner demons. It’s more than just letting go of the hand rail, it’s fighting off the fearful reactions in the mind that happen when we break the rules in the mind. That takes real courage. We are also risking the possibility that people will react differently when we act differently. We are stepping into the unknown. To challenge these inner demons and step into the unknown consequences takes a different kind of courage.

In my last post I shared that what we typically think of as courage often has larger fears at the foundation. What looks like a brave act may really have deeper personal fears as part of the motivation. What I have come to realize is that it takes a real kind of courage to challenge these deeper internal fears at the foundation of our behaviors and actions. To challenge the inner demons and fears in the mind is a truly heroic act that only few dare take on. That is why it is often referred to as the mythological journey of the hero.

What is different about facing your fears and inner demons is that there is no public glory in it. No one will notice that you are reflecting on your own behavior, emotions, and reactions. No one gives you medals, and hardly anyone recognizes the kind of courage it takes. There is no one rooting you on. You go on this inward journey alone. This solo adventure that you don’t do for anyone else and don’t do with anyone else is part of why it takes a different kind of courage.

It also makes for a kind of courage that doesn’t get corrupted with the self importance of getting attention and recognition from others. It has a kind of humble integrity that is independent from other people’s opinions and how they measure you.

Having the courage to take this kind of inward journey beyond your own inner demons has no external rewards, at least not in the beginning. However the internal changes and personal freedom gained is its own reward. To be free of fear, to no longer be subject to the emotional reactions of anger, jealousy, and insecurity is a reward. To no longer have to prove your self to any one, even your self is an incredible relief. To have immunity from fear of what other people think of you is an internal reward that can’t be externally measured. To slay the voices in the mind of doubt and criticism and create peace within is a completely unseen reward.
To challenge your inner demons and win over your fears is a heroic feat. It is truly a hero’s journey to face and win the war within. It is a feat that requires a different kind of courage.

I’m in awe of anyone who even tries. To me it is not important to win. We don’t know how long we have to live, maybe just a week, or month, or year. We can not count on winning over our inner demons when we don’t know how long we have. In any case this Hero’s Journey it is not about winning. If we make it about winning we are also making it about losing, and perhaps the fear of losing becomes another one of our demons. The journey is more about letting go of the fear of losing and the fear of failing that so often corrupts the desire to win or succeed.

In the challenge against our inner demons of fear and judgments winning and losing is not important. It is only important that we find the courage to try.

RELATED MATERIAL
For a step by step process on dealing with your inner demons listen to the session in the Self Mastery Audio Program

For guidance on challenging your inner demons and recovering your integrity see the Workshops and Spiritual Power Journeys events page
MP3 audio podcast on Overcoming Fear

The Courage to Live Consciously by Steve Pavlina

This definition of courage is as good as any other.

“Courage is a quality of spirit that enables you to face danger or pain without showing fear.”

Then there is the more profound understanding that you can be afraid and still have courage. Mark Twain said, “Courage is not the absence of fear. It is acting in spite of it.”

The Truth is sometimes about 180 degrees out from what you think it is. I think before going deeper into understanding what courage is, it will be helpful to shatter some misconceptions about what courage isn’t.

I’m going to share the kind of understanding of courage I grew up with. I think it’s the common understanding. Then I’ll share with you what a Marine Corp Staff Sergeant taught me that caused me to re-evaluate everything I believed about what courage is.

Growing up as a boy I saw the John Wayne movies and learned to associate courage with fighting a fierce enemy and being a hero. Courage becomes something boys and young men aspire to have. Particularly in an effort to become what we think a man should be, we want others to see us as having courage. We don’t want to be perceived by other boys, and especially girls, as being a coward, sissy, or wimp. All of these are relative labels of courage.

For boys and young men, developing courage becomes an important part of the self image and self esteem we create in our mind. How others think of us in terms of courage becomes an important part of that self esteem and self acceptance equation. Women may not relate to this in the same way because they were not raised with the same expectations as boys. Feeling a need to gain approval and acceptance in this attribute also varies with the culture. For me as a boy growing up it was important to demonstrate courage of some sort or risk being made fun of and be considered a wimpy. Self acceptance and feeling better about myself was hinged to the labels and expectations others might put on me.

But I’m getting ahead of myself here.

When I was in college I was fortunate to spend some time with a Marine Corp Staff Sergeant (SSgt). Let’s call him SSgt. Matt because I haven’t seen him in years and don’t have permission to put his name here. SSgt. Matt taught me something about the common misunderstanding of courage that I never forgot.

SSgt. Matt had qualified for a very competitive Marine Corp officer program that enabled him to go to college and get his degree. After which he would be commissioned as an officer in the Marine Corp and continue his service. He was using his time there to study Military History. In short he was smart. He also had an well developed ability to think laterally. By that I mean outside the box of conventional perspective. This was continually demonstrated by his sense of humor and story telling that could hold your attention while keeping you in stitches. But I digress. The point is that as a die hard Marine he knew about courage. Not just from a soldier’s point of view. He knew about military men, their actions, motivations, human psychology, bravery, and fear because he studied it.

We were both between classes one day and I got into a conversation with SSgt. Matt and he was educating me about the psychology men. He was talking about different armies going all the way back to ancient Greece and Sparta and describing the training that made them disciplined and successful. How some were able to function so tightly and effectively as a unit and win against overwhelming odds. He explained the real motivation that a soldier fights in ways that exemplify courage.

SSgt Matt shared with me that when most people think of soldiers who do things like run out of foxholes and rush a machine gun nest they think of that as courage. We think facing such a thing and doing it exemplifies the trait of courage. They are facing their fears, including their fear of death and they act in spite of their fears. This fits with my previous understanding and definitions of courage above. People get confirmation of this belief by the military (the supposed authority on courage) by giving medals for exemplifying “courage” in the line of fire in these situations.

Here is the bit if truth that is 180 degrees from our assumptions. SSgt. Matt told me the real reason that soldiers rush the machine gun nest is because they are afraid. They are afraid of letting their buddies down. They are afraid of what their buddy in that fox hole will think of them if they don’t. They are afraid of being thought of as a coward. They are afraid of losing the respect from their peers that they spent the previous months or years bonding with. They are more afraid of this personal rejection and shame than they are of death. They go face the machine gun because they can’t stand the idea of their self image if they let their buddy down.

I’m not saying this is a cowardly or bad thing. And of course every person in every situation is different. I’m just recognizing that it may not be the kind of fearless courage that we would assume applies from our growing up years. There is more to the motivation. You can’t call it fearless or “courageous” when rushing a gun position might be motivated by a bigger fear of personal rejection and self judgment.

With this larger understanding it was harder to measure courage in the same way. I could no longer look at the same action and say that it exemplified courage. It may have exemplified a much larger and hidden fear that motivated their action.

I’m going back to what I said earlier about young boys and men growing up. When we are afraid of what others think of us we will have a need to prove our self in order to compensate for that uncomfortable fear. We have a need to do something brave to avoid the ridicule, rejection, and shame that would come with disappointing others.

I do the emotional calculation this way. The greater is a person’s insecurity and fear of being rejected, the greater their need to prove themselves worthy to another. What is interesting that this kind of agreement in the mind makes a person easy to control through the power of opinion.

SSgt. Matt pointed this out about boot camp. When they get a new recruit there is an important mental game of breaking down a person’s individual identity. In doing this they take away the self esteem they had associated to their individual identity. They then recognize and reward people for being team players and taking care of their buddy. In this way your worth as a person is dependent on how well you work with and support the unit. Your self esteem and self worth is determined by what you do for another.

The corollary agreement in the mind becomes: If you let your unit down, you are unworthy. This in it self can be a motivator to do what others expect from you. Your actions are more driven by reactions to these agreements about self worth than conscious choice. If this is the case a person who looks courageous is really just reacting to fears about a self image associated to a lower self esteem. In their mind they tell themselves it is being brave. The culture they are in, such as the military, agrees that it is brave and supports this perception. To everyone who doesn’t know they are compensating for other fears they look courageous.

However, if you have a greater awareness you may not be so quick to make the assumption that someone is courageous based just on their actions. You might wait and get to know them better. They might just be compensating for even larger fears that they don’t yet have the courage to face. I also understand that at the same time a soldier also fights because of their care and respect for their fellow soldier.

My point here is that after I had that conversation with Marine SSgt. Matt I realized I needed a different definition for courage.

I needed a definition of courage that didn‘t include running away from bigger fears.

In my next post I share what I feel is Real Courage.

RELATED POSTS WITH DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVES ON COURAGE

Courage at the level of Generals also includes how person’s of authority react with opinions.

Is challenging your own peers and authorities a sign of courage, or of cowardice?
Courage to some is having the power not to have to please others.

For the whole amazing video on the guy in front of the tanks go to CNN

]]> http://www.pathwaytohappiness.com/happiness/2007/03/07/courage/feed/ 1 http://www.pathwaytohappiness.com/happiness/2007/01/18/facing-fear/ http://www.pathwaytohappiness.com/happiness/2007/01/18/facing-fear/#comments Thu, 18 Jan 2007 16:38:32 +0000 Gerard van Warmerdam http://pathwaytohappiness.com/happiness/2007/01/18/facing-fear/

I’m in my final year , of high school and today I got one my quizzes back (worth around 2-4%). I realized I had gotten a 60% and a 69% on two different parts. At this time, a realization struck me: if I continue on like this (exams in just two weeks!) I’m going to get less than an 80% on my Calculus course, making me ineligible for many of my favorite university programs.

It’s not like this quiz matters on the long run, I understand that. I remember my first few quizzes and a test where I did miserably, and my mid-term mark was remarkably an 80%. I started getting 90%’s on the next few tests and quizzes, until the summative task (basically, worth 10%) where I got a 65%on the first task (worth 5%) and 67.5% (worth the second 5%). This scares me.

Its not that I don’t study and practice either. I guess I’m just frustrated and tired, and want to figure out a way to deal with this. The fear of failure is pretty difficult to deal with. I’m an honors student, with 5 extra-curricular activities. I’m used to 90′s, and thinking that one course might just screw my dream up for a better education really scares me.

Help me deal with facing these fears. D. T

To Face Fear attack it with a process of Self Inquiry

One of the big problems when facing fear is that we fail to scrutinize what we are really afraid of. One of the first steps to get free of fear is awareness. Self awareness begins with ruthless self inquiry into the beliefs standing behind the fear we face.

For starters, I suggest dissecting the fear of failure. By leaving it in such a large massive general block it is tough to break free. Break it down into small pieces. What is failure? It’s not being a success.

Is success the same for everyone or does each person have their own version? Obviously each person has their own mental version.

That means fear of failure is not meeting my own mental version of success.

Will this still be your version of success when you are 35 or 50? Probably not.

So fear of failure is not meeting your temporary mental picture of success?

I then suggest scrutinizing the details of the personal version.

You can go further with this but should have the idea by now.

By breaking it down, the small failure of a calculus test no longer means the end of our life dream. The exaggerated consequence of life failure is the result the mind had drawn earlier when you left the fear in one giant block.

Does that one score on one hour of testing, based on one aspect of your intelligence determine who you are and what you are going to do the rest of your life?

Well if we put it this way, perhaps not.

Exaggeration in the mind is dangerous when we are not aware of what the mind is doing.

(By the way, failing to achieve one of your temporary life dreams might just mean the opportunity to dream up a better more enjoyable one.)

When facing fear it is also critical to inquire into what creates the emotion. Events in our life don’t create emotion. Our interpretation and what we believe about events is what creates emotion.

With fear it usually is related to avoiding something we perceive to be painful. Maybe “failure” is a term that when applied to ourselves results in self rejection. Belief in our internal dialogue of self rejection results in emotional pain.

In this case failure really means not getting what we temporarily imagined we wanted. The real fear is that we will believe it will result in an internal dialogue of self rejection and the painful emotions of low self worth.

In this case we are more afraid of what we will believe about ourselves than the performance on a test. The test is just a trigger for the real cause of pain wish is a belief in the mind. In this scenario success (avoiding the trigger) looks like a way to avoid this perceived pain of self rejection.

In my book passing the test isn’t success. This version of success is just our fears driving our behavior to succeed as a compensating strategy to avoid the imagined emotional pain of self rejection. When fears are the source of our success they aren’t likely to be very sweet.

All of this rambling may not apply to you, but it’s just an example of the mental and emotional stuff that is often below our conscious awareness. People talk about facing fears but that usually isn’t enough to make them go away. You need to engage in self inquiry into the core beliefs behind fear to dissolve the emotion. Without that kind of attack, facing fear usually just turns into stalemate. Stalemate is a condition in chess where nobody wins.

Awareness is the key out of these dynamics. A process of self inquiry is the active way to create self awareness of the layers of beliefs behind the fear. Self inquiry is one of the approaches that can get you out of the emotions of fear.

Anyways, I’ve been wrought by fear in my mind before and found this process to work for me. It takes some practice, but if we plan on really living you might find the return on investment worthwhile.

For practical steps in learning this self inquiry process to face fears and dissolve other emotional reactions listen to the material in the self mastery course and practice the exercises.
___________________________

Gary, you have no idea what a great and fresh new perspective you have given me.

Thank you very much.
D. T.
From the Steve Pavlina forums in Emotional Mastery

Related Material

Podcast on Overcoming Fear

Fear of Love and Happiness: Podcast and article on why we resist letting go of fear.