Shawn Anchor explains how some of our beliefs about happiness and work may be backwards.  One important point he makes is that we should not delete the statistical outlier when it comes to happiness.  When actually, what we really should be noticing is the person who is happier than others, beyond any reasonable average. When it comes to achieving happiness, we should not be looking to achieve a statistical average.

When we have a vision of how the “perfect” meal should come out we then feel the stress of the difference.  We then feel compelled to make the meal “fit” that image in our mind.  That compulsive feeling appears to be the answer to what will make our stress feel better. When we have an expectation of how someone “should” behave, and they don’t fit that mental image, we create stress.  The answer our distorted belief system proposes to stress is to figure out how to get someone to behave differently.  So we stress some more about coming up with the “right” way to change someone else’s behavior. All the while not paying attention to the other half of the problem,,, our expectations.

The need to control things or other people and make them “perfect” might seem like the solution, but actually it is just another reaction to a previous feeling.

So my suggestion to reducing stress is to first be aware of the need to control and make things “perfect”.  Then shift your attention away from making reality fit a seemingly “fixed” mental image or expectation. Instead, put your attention on that expectation.  Expectations are much easier to change than someone’s behavior, the reality of airline delays or, getting the mashed potatoes just right.  To be flexible give your self more than one option of what would be “okay.”  For practice or fun make it a game and give your self, and the people around you 3 or 4 options.

Stress is a good indicator that you are more attached to the illusion image in your mind than you are being present with the world around you.

Of course it is only easier to change the expectations when you are aware that you have them,,, and that they are not matching up to reality.  Notice that, and you’ll begin to see that you can change the stress you feel by detaching from some of your expectations, and accepting the mashed potatoes just the way they are.

May Blessings to you, family, and friends this season.

Gary van Warmerdam

“I can’t see this working he said.” He said it with a tone and inflection both of inquiry, and hopelessness.   That’s what resistance will sound like sometimes.

“Neither could I when I started,”  I replied.   “You can’t see how it is going to happen. If you could, you would know what the change and experience was. You can’t see what the view from the mountain top will be while you are still standing in the valley.  You can’t see all the steps you will take and the turns you will make before you make them.”    He heard me and then he changed the topic….. more resistance.

Answering his questions didn’t make the resistance go away. Nor did it spur him to action. Maybe the question wasn’t the issue.    Maybe the questions were part of the problem.  So maybe we have to look at that part of our mind that asks the question or makes the statement of doubt.

“I don’t see how this will work.” It was a loaded statement. It was filled with an attitude of hopelessness and like beliefs. “This won’t work.  I’ll be just as unhappy after trying this as I am now so why even try.” The emotions were hopelessness, depressed, defeated, and that was before trying anything.    It’s like his attitude of hopelessness was in charge of his, questions, his decision making, and steering him away from any actions that would help.   It’s going to be a challenge when your belief state of hopelessness is determining your steps towards happiness.  The answers to the questions didn’t cure the attitude.

It wasn’t that the man didn’t have faith. He had a ton of faith. It’s just that it was invested in the conviction that the whole effort to change his emotional state was useless. That’s a lot of personal power spent convincing our self that we are powerless.

He got this. He understood what he was doing as I pointed these things out to him, but that didn’t stop him from changing the subject and continuing to do it. Resistance is like that. We ask useless questions that run a convincing internal dialog in our head while avoiding any action. The result of all that circling dialog is nothing. We end up where we started.

The important piece to acknowledge about resistance is that it results in staying where you are emotionally.    The questions about where the path leads, what turns will there be, how long will it take, etc are all keeping us from a step on our path.  Those endless intellectual questions keep us stuck.   Some of the smartest people with PhD’s are the best at getting stuck because they can ask endless questions.

What made a difference that day is when I asked  him how he felt. “What emotions are you feeling right now?” Are you miserable, unhappy, tormented by anxiety, fears, anger, jealousy, or other emotional reactions? Just look at how you feel. How long do you want to keep feeling that way?  “NO,  I don’t wan to keep feeling this way” he said.   “What do I got to do to change it?” Noticing how you feel is an action.  Taking the time to really feel it is an action.   With those clear perceptions, the motivation to change happened all by itself.    When we are in the midst of unhappiness we ask lousy questions.  Sometimes, the help we need, is just some guidance in asking better questions.

All I knew when I started taking my first steps was that I no longer wanted to be unhappy. I didn’t have a clue about how I would do it, what would work and what wouldn’t.  I just knew that I couldn’t stay in the emotional cycles I was living in.

I didn’t know how long it would take, what the path would be, or even if it would work. The only thing I knew was that I couldn’t keep living in the emotional drama I was doing. So that’s when I decided to take action.

If you find your self asking a lot of questions about a process that you can’t know until you do it for a while you are probably asking the wrong questions.   You are stuck.  The unhappy part of your mind is asking the questions it doesn’t know the right questions to ask.  Instead take a look at the emotions you feel and how often you do those same emotional cycles. Then ask your self how long you want to keep doing that. If that doesn’t motivate you to take action then you don’t need to go around in circles with questions.  Or maybe get with someone who is skilled at asking better questions and will cause you to find better answers.

No matter what you do to overcome your resistance, you can be sure it will be a different action.

You’ll find numerous actions to take in the Self Mastery Course and The Relationship Course that will help you break the patterns of unhappiness.

More than once people have been told by professional that their personality is fixed by the time they are 6 or 10 years old. They have emotional aspects when they are adults and told that they can’t be changed. “All you can do is manage the condition.” I don’t believe this one bit. And now there is good evidence for you not to believe it either.  A neuro-imaging study of the brain indicates changes in areas of the brain related to self awareness, compassion, and introspection.

The study points out that it doesn’t prove a direct link, but that’s understandable considering that it is rather difficult to show a direct link between where and how we focus our attention and how our brain matter responds.   What it does indicate is that there is more here going on than assuming there is no relation at all.  It is also worth noting that areas of the brain associated with our emotional state do change.  So the notion that our personality is “fixed” should be considered a myth lacking evidence and not the other way around.

If you want to engage in some practices of meditation and mindfulness you will find some free exercises in the Self Mastery course.

It is the best of times.  It is the worst of times.  It’s that time of year when we have more parties, social gatherings, big meals with family, presents, beautiful music, all celebrated in our best attire.  It can also be the most emotionally stressful of times as well.  How does that happen?

What produces stress?  Stress can be created by a difference between reality, and our mentally projected version of reality, or a mentally projected version of what reality “should be.”   This mentally projected version of reality is what I like to call “Virtual Reality.”   When our Virtual Reality expectations don’t match with real life, we feel uncomfortable tension emotionally.  We can call that feeling stress.  But it doesn’t stop there.

We then have the impulse to feel better.  This is perfectly natural and a good thing.  Except the way that we go about trying to “fix” things or make changes can make things worse. The assumed solution to changing this feeling is to make reality fit our mental virtual reality.  We try to change people and everything in our life assuming it will make us feel better.   Our thoughts focus on “making every issue perfect” and worrying about what might fail to meet our mental virtual reality.  We work extra hard to control those variables of people, food, decorations, lighting, timing, music, parking, and even other peoples emotions to make things “just right.”  However, “just right” is really a reference to what our belief system has defined as “just right.”  And all of this is to satisfy that made up world of a belief system in our imagination.

Even if we are successful at making things fit our virtual picture we are likely to end up exhausted from the work and worry. We didn’t have a very enjoyable time.  Our experience of the event was largely an experience of stress and worry in our mind and hard work in the real world.  We stressed and willed things to turn out just like planned but ended up not enjoying them that much.  The only satisfaction is in the mission of the virtual reality accomplished but no enjoyment in the moment.   More likely though we didn’t make holiday event fit our virtual formula of “perfect” and react with disappointment, self judgment at failure, or even anger.

Sometimes the tension and worry we feel and why we work so hard to control things is because we want so desperately to avoid the painful emotional reaction our mind will have if expectations are not met.

There is another solution to all this holiday stress.  We don’t have to stress and work hard to control all the variables and make all people, events, decorations, music, food, and conversation fit your mind’s imagined script of “just right.”  The other option is to be aware of your beliefs that make up the virtual reality version and do some mental stretching.  Make your expectation beliefs flexible so they fit closer to reality. You might do this from the start.  Or if something happens during the execution phase of the plan (your plane is delayed due to weather) you adjust your expectation beliefs right then.   With some practice you will find that it is much easier to change the scripted expectations in your virtual reality than it is to change events and people.

There is nothing wrong with trying to make life and events what you want them to be.  That’s not a problem.  The problem is when we automatically follow this agenda that we fail to be aware of what we can not change.  Being aware of the virtual reality desires and consciously modifying them when needed gives us a way to reduce and even eliminate the stress of the holiday season.  It’s also how you can lower your stress all year round.

One of the hidden beliefs behind stress is that we can control all things, all things.  We might intellectually know that we can’t control everything.  We might remind our selves that we can’t, but underneath the thought we still believe that we can. It is a false belief that adds to our stress and results in controlling behavior even when we intellectually “know” better.  Intellectual ideas and thoughts of rationality don’t change emotional beliefs.

Telling our self,   “Oh I should just relax because I know that I can’t control everything,” is not an effective antidote to stress. It can help, but probably won’t fully dissolve the tension and feelings of stress.  In some cases it can actually add to the stress problem.

The thought, “I should just relax and enjoy what is going on,” can actually add stress.  How could a helpful reminder actually cause more stress?  This added stress is caused the same way that celebrating the holidays causes stress.   In the virtual reality of our mind we create an image of how we should be relaxed and enjoying things.  But that virtual version of our self doesn’t match with our real self.  Our real self is still stressed, worried, and maybe frantic.  There is a disparity between our stressed self and our imagined self that should be relaxed.  The difference between our real self and virtual relaxed self sets up another layer of tension.  We are not what the virtual story our mind says we should be and that induces more emotional stress.

We may have the intellectual thought about being relaxed, but ideas aren’t usually enough to change beliefs driving our emotions and behaviors.

Actual relaxing would entail taking a deep breath, feeling it, putting attention on where your muscles are tight in your body and relaxing them, observing the chatter in your mind and laughing at it, taking a moment to notice the beauty and the people around you  etc.  This would be actually relaxing.  But telling your self to do it and doing it are two different things. I suggest relaxing in those moments of stress, don’t just tell your self to do it.   If you find your self telling your self to relax, then please actually do some of these things.

Our Reactions:  “ You’ve Ruined Christmas”

Planning is good, helpful, and even necessary to get things done. The desire and effort to make things beautiful and enjoyable are to be commended.  But what happens when decorations, events, people, or the stuffing doesn’t come out just right?  We react with disappointment, frustration, sadness or anger?   These emotional reactions are clues that our belief system has a virtual reality version different from reality.

With the myriad of events going on this month, something is going to get overlooked, be out of budget, or there just won’t be time for it.   The person responsible for the stuffing might use the wrong sausage (yes a little spicy sausage makes it amazing) or the wrong apples, or no apples at all. Maybe somebody got apple pie instead of your favorite pumpkin, or the turkey is a little dry.  In our mind the most important element of the meal didn’t get met.  The first, and sometimes the only interpretation from the belief system is, “the stuffing (or fill in your own dish) was ruined.  Maybe with all the expectations of our virtual reality about every detail we’ve built up a big reservoir of emotional stress.  Perhaps with so many things not getting met we are filled with disappointment, frustration or anger.  We build up a reservoir of emotion and not it is under pressure.  That emotion wants to vent out. It doesn’t feel good to us to keep it under pressure.  It sees the disappointment with the stuffing as the opportunity and the reservoir of emotion bursts.  Our thoughts and comments about the stuffing exaggerate to “Now the whole meal is ruined”.  With enough emotion we can even feel that “Christmas is ruined.”

At that point we aren’t really experiencing the Holiday. What we are feeling and experiencing is our own emotions.  Those emotions are there largely as a result of the expectations in our mind not getting met.  Those expectations in the virtual reality of our belief system are something that we are responsible for, and that we can change.  It’s not that the meal was wrong, it is that the meal was “wrong” according to the virtual version in our mind of what was “right.”   At that moment you might not be able to change the stuffing, the pie, the turkey, or what someone said, but you can change the belief in your mind, and that will change how you emotionally experience your Holiday.  Changing your beliefs is not only a way to avoid the stress in the preparation phase, but to avoid the emotional reactions in the execution phase.

Maybe you won’t be completely successful at your attempt to have a stress- free holiday this year.  But with some guidance from the Self Mastery course, and some practice, perhaps you will make some changes and be on the path to making every holiday a happy one.

One other thing that will help with Holiday Stress

Nobody else has your script of the Perfect Holiday.  Your child might have a big story (read virtual reality version) of what will make Christmas perfect. For him or her it might be a particular present they want.  You sister’s preferred recipe for stuffing doesn’t include sausage.  (Hard to believe but it is possible.  Maybe she is vegetarian.)  For her, putting sausage in the stuffing ruins the dish.  She doesn’t eat turkey so the stuffing is the meal and now the meal is ruined.  She has a lot of her virtual reality expectations not getting met and her stress disappointment, sadness, and anger is building.

In your script of the perfect holiday, your odd Uncle or grandpa doesn’t tell the same story that you hate every year.  In reality, he does tell that story.  He loves telling that story.  He can’t wait for the holiday meal so he can tell that story again.  The point here is that everyone has developed expectations about this time of year.  The person next to you has expectations in the virtual reality of their mind about how people and things should be, and how they shouldn’t be.  And I’m willing to bet that their version is different than yours.   Each of your versions will be different.  If you try to impose your will and make everything perfect to your version, you might just be “ruining their Christmas.”

Maybe this holiday season the solution to a happier, stress free holiday is a spirit of giving.  Perhaps this year we give up some of your expectations.  Specifically virtual reality expectation in the mind that cause us to stress and then react when things don’t go as expected.  The first step in this path to happiness is to be aware of what your expectations are.

By giving up things in your belief system you can let someone else have it their way.  This is a simple way to help share some joy.  Some people distort this to mean that they are giving in.  In reality you are using the opportunity to free your self from the limiting beliefs that cause you stress and unhappiness.  So in truth, you are giving your self the opportunity to experience greater freedom and happiness.  It’s a gift that serves your happiness, and those around you.  Freedom from the limiting beliefs that cause you emotional stress and unhappiness is a great gift to give your self this holiday season. And any other season as well.

I wish Many Blessings to You, your family, and friends this year and next.  May you experience the emotional feeling of happiness, love, and joy every day of your life.

Gary van Warmerdam

PS.  As a reminder of the many blessings you have, you might take the time and listen to session 1 of the Free Self Mastery series on Gratitude.

One of Daniel’s positions is that much of our happiness about an experience is from our memory of that experience.  Daniel address that this memory is subjective as it is determined by our story of our experiences.  What he doesn’t point out, and what I think is worth exploring,  is that our stories are changeable.   If our stories are our version of memories, and our memories have emotional happiness related to them, then we can consciously change our story of our past experiences and thereby change how we feel.  We don’t even have to change the facts of our story, but only the interpretation of the experience so that we emphasize different points and have different conclusions.   We can’t change the facts of our experiences but we can change interpretations and stories and in that way we can change how happy we are.

That’s a nice acronym.   It’s catchy.   It’s also not true.

Calling it False Evidence is saying that fear is an illusion or a lie.  Lies are made of words.  Fear is an emotion.

We can create fear as a reaction to believing illusions, lies, or false evidence.  But fear is not the illusion or false evidence.  There is the illusion we imagine in our mind, and then there is the emotion we create as a reaction.  Of course we only react with emotion when we believe it to be real.  It’s that believing part that makes the illusion APPEAR real.   You could say that we make the illusion appear real.   In any case, there is the appearance of things, and then there is how we create emotion as a reaction.

We can also create fear as a reaction to something that is a very real.  If you are flying in an airplane and it has an emergency where it is losing altitude you are likely to feel fear.  You don’t have to panic, but fear is probably going to be there.  The evidence isn’t false.  It’s real and the fear is too.   Evidence is not the same as emotion.  Not all fear is from false evidence, and so our catchy phrase about what fear is false at times.

A person can also come to complete acceptance of their mortality and the letting go of their body when they come face to face with death.  In this case there is evidence of something real like the passing of their body, and yet no fear.  Perhaps that is because in that moment there exists no presence of any illusions about death.  There is a only a complete presence and acceptance of a coming experience for their body.  Without making up any beliefs about death there is no fear.

Fear is not False Evidence.  Nor is Fear Evidence Appearing Real.   We can create fear as  a reaction to false evidence or real experience.  Fear is an emotion we create.  It is often created as a reaction to things, but with enough awareness it doesn’t have to be.

That definition of fear is kind of catchy.  The problem with catchy is there’s usually too much distortion in those catchy phrases.  The phrase about Fear being False Evidence Appearing Real is at least pointing our attention to the fact that we may be reacting to an illusion.  On the other hand,,, the catchy phrase itself is also false and misleading testimony about fear.  The result is that, at best, we are dispelling one illusion in our mind while we are creating another.

For other insights, listen to the Free Audio

For a step by step program in identifying and changing core beliefs, listen to the audio in the Self Mastery Course. The first few sessions are free.

I find your insights incredibly rewarding and helpful.  I have been looking at your website (and bless you for making so much free btw), and one thing I see missing is anything about dealing with grief.  I have recently lost my boyfriend to an accident–and I have been having incredible metaphysical experiences, which I believe actually brought me to your sight–and it looks like dealing with every emotion is in there except that one.

It’s a toughy, and I haven’t seen anything anywhere that is really of much use.  I would love to hear what you have to say about it.

Thanks,

S_______________

Hi S,

It’s hard to talk about an emotion that raw,,, and real.

I spend most of my efforts addressing how we create unhappiness and misery for our selves unnecessarily by putting our faith in beliefs that are false.  Real grief is not like that. You are going to feel emotion and there is no story behind it.  You are going to feel emotion and cry and there aren’t going to be any words to describe it,,, so what does one say.    Any words about such a real experience of grief will likely distort it.

There is a life afterwards,,, there is a shifting in one’s emotions over time.  Grief is not a permanent state.  There is a perspective,,, developed with a great deal of awareness where we don’t feel the pain anymore.  Actually we feel grateful for the time,,,, any time,,, every moment that we had with them.   But that comes with the acceptance of the nature of death… the dissolving of all things physically manifest.  They are all transient.  It’s a big perspective… one that is also difficult to talk about or put on a web page in text.   I talk about it in my more intensive retreats such as Zion or Mexico.  There’s more time to work with it.  The outcome,,, intended, anyways,,, is the realization that we are all here for a very short time… so don’t waste it.    And,,, if you do get some beautiful moments,,, and you get to experience something called unconditional love with someone, for someone, for god, the earth, your body, the stars or any unconditional love for anything at all,,,, then be grateful for the time that you had.   Because not everybody does.   It’s a different perspective about life when you take death into account here,,, a bigger perspective,,, and one that can lead you to appreciate everything, and every small thing in  a profound way.

So that is why I don’t have much on this site about grief yet.

God Speed,,,, may you find peace when you are done.

Some people define faith as a belief in something for which they have no evidence for.  Others think of faith as a set of religious beliefs.  These are limited uses and understanding of faith.  Faith is a force.  Think of it as a life force energy that you direct, consciously or unconsciously.  It is a force you use every day.   People and use faith every day in ways that are very real and practical but hardly notice.  This force of faith that you use has profound impact on your thoughts, emotions, and behavior.

People use faith when they exchange money. A dollar has value largely because people believe it has value.  People have invested faith in the idea that dollars can be traded for food, gas, clothing, services, and other things.  Because other people also have faith in this same use of money it works and appears to be truth.

We put our money in a bank because we have faith that a bank is a safe place for our money.  When people have fear and doubts about the safety of that bank their faith dissolves. Or, more specifically, they invest faith in the idea that the bank is unsafe. Then they withdraw their money.  If enough people withdraw their money from a bank, it can collapse.  Even if the bank is solvent it can collapse because people no longer have enough faith in the bank. You could say that the strength of a bank is more dependent on faith of people than the actual balance sheet of the bank.

The price of a stock is largely determined by faith.  People will value and pay for a stock dependent on what is their BELIEF.   Faith is the force that makes that belief strong.  If people lose their faith in that company, then they sell their stock.  The action of selling stock is determined by where they invest their faith.  The value of a stock is determined by the faith people have in the value of a company stock.  You could say that the whole stock market is held up by the power of the faith people have in its overall worth.  That’s why prices of stocks and the whole market can change so quickly.  When people shift what they have their faith in things can change quickly.  When you change what beliefs you have invested faith in your life can change very quickly.

The value of stock, a piece of real estate, a dollar, euro, or peso is largely a matter of faith.  They are worth what people “believe” they are worth.  Only when other people believe the same thing does that belief appear real.   When people no longer put the force of their faith behind the value of a stock the price falls.   More precisely we can say that they have taken their faith out of the “idea” that the stock’s value.  People don’t invest their faith in a stock, but rather in the idea of a stock’s value.  Then they put their money in the stock based on how much faith they invested in the idea of value for that stock.  If you see this relationship it becomes clear that our actions are based on the power of faith we have invested in ideas.

Faith Impacts How We Feel

Faith in yourself can give you a feeling of confidence. If you believe that you can do something, you have faith in your ability and you produce a feeling of confidence.  When you doubt your ability, you are also investing faith.  You invest your faith in the ideas and images that you will fail, and that people will judge you.  When you put faith in those ideas and images you create emotions of fear or insecurity.  In both cases, you are expressing the energy of faith.  It is just that you express it into different conceptual ideas, outcomes, and self-images and this produces different emotions.

Suppose you did something in your past and later wish you hadn’t done it. If you invest faith in that idea then you will create emotions of guilt.  If you invest faith in the idea that you are a bad person for what you have done then you will create emotions of shame.  Guilt is an emotion based in something you have done, while shame is an emotion based in a belief about what you are.  The strength of the emotions you feel will depend on how much faith you have in these ideas about your self.   With the force of faith you can create these emotions within your self even if the story is not true.   But by creating these feelings the story will feel true.

Most everything you feel about yourself derives from the faith you invest in various ideas about yourself. Two people could have the same experience of hardship and failure, but invest their faith in opposite interpretations about what would happen next time.  One might believe he will fail again, while the other person might invest faith in the idea that she will do better next time because of her commitment or what she learned.   Failure didn’t determine how a person felt, but rather what ideas they invested their faith in did. Each person is using the energy of faith and investing it in one belief or another about themselves and the future.  Each creates a different belief system, and produces different emotions.  One person will become more focused committed and feel confident,,, the other will generate insecurity.  The action that each person takes from then on will be congruent with where they have invested their faith.

If you are feeling emotions of fear, shame, guilt, and unhappiness, it is because you have invested faith in conceptual ideas that create these emotions.  The ideas that are in your head and your self images are not the truth.  But if you invest faith in them they will produce emotions and create the feeling of being real.  The emotions you create with your faith are real, but the images and ideas of your beliefs are not.    If you want to change how you feel one of the things you will have to learn to do is divest your faith from these false beliefs.

In recovering the power of your faith from these false beliefs not only will your level of happiness change, but your actions and behavior will changes as well.  Another benefit of recovering your faith from these false beliefs is that you will then have the personal power to choose a new set of beliefs and take the actions to create a new life based on what you really want.

Learning how to gain control over the force of your faith is something that the Self Mastery course will help you do.