When we have a vision of how the “perfect” meal should come out we then feel the stress of the difference.  We then feel compelled to make the meal “fit” that image in our mind.  That compulsive feeling appears to be the answer to what will make our stress feel better. When we have an expectation of how someone “should” behave, and they don’t fit that mental image, we create stress.  The answer our distorted belief system proposes to stress is to figure out how to get someone to behave differently.  So we stress some more about coming up with the “right” way to change someone else’s behavior. All the while not paying attention to the other half of the problem,,, our expectations.

The need to control things or other people and make them “perfect” might seem like the solution, but actually it is just another reaction to a previous feeling.

So my suggestion to reducing stress is to first be aware of the need to control and make things “perfect”.  Then shift your attention away from making reality fit a seemingly “fixed” mental image or expectation. Instead, put your attention on that expectation.  Expectations are much easier to change than someone’s behavior, the reality of airline delays or, getting the mashed potatoes just right.  To be flexible give your self more than one option of what would be “okay.”  For practice or fun make it a game and give your self, and the people around you 3 or 4 options.

Stress is a good indicator that you are more attached to the illusion image in your mind than you are being present with the world around you.

Of course it is only easier to change the expectations when you are aware that you have them,,, and that they are not matching up to reality.  Notice that, and you’ll begin to see that you can change the stress you feel by detaching from some of your expectations, and accepting the mashed potatoes just the way they are.

May Blessings to you, family, and friends this season.

Gary van Warmerdam

Honestly,,, nothing.  In truth you are fine.   There really is nothing wrong with you.  That’s my perspective with everyone I talk to.  And I talk to a lot of people because I do this professionally.  The next question is:

“But I don’t feel fine. Why do I feel so lousy, (angry, sad, unhappy, jealous, insecure, anxiety, etc)?”

Because the emotions you feel are being created as responses to beliefs you have.  Your beliefs are negative, fearful, anxiety ridden, and your emotions respond accordingly.  Your emotions are responding perfectly to what is going on in your mind.  The problem is that you are having negative and fearful thoughts running through your mind,,, and you are believing in them.  How you feel emotionally is just a natural response to the beliefs you have.  The important thing to understand is that YOU are not the problem.  There is nothing wrong with you, it’s what is going on in your mind that is the problem.  Your mind has thoughts and beliefs that are false and fear based. You are not those thoughts and beliefs.  As a matter of fact,,, you aren’t even the one thinking them.   Your mind is tossing them about your imagination all by itself.

In my approach I make a distinction between YOU, and your mind which is made up of your thoughts and beliefs.  YOU are fine, but your mind is filled with false and fear based beliefs.

Some people will then ask, “But why am I thinking all these negative thoughts.   And this is my point,,, YOU are not the one thinking those negative thoughts.  Your mind is thinking them all on it’s own and taking you for a ride much like a daydream, or even a night time dream.  Sometimes those daydreams turn into very focused horrific scenarios and can seem very real.   Your emotional body can’t tell the difference between reality, and what you believe is reality so it reacts according to those dreams in your mind.

Your physiology and physical body can react as well.  Your adrenalin will kick in when there is a fearful thought, as well as other fight or flight responses.  You then might have the physical responses of those chemicals in your system as well as tightness in your muscles, shifts in your digestion, accelerated heart beat, on top of your emotional responses.  Your specific reaction will depend on how fearful the thought is, how strongly you believe it, and how much awareness you have.

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I have made a free audio podcast, “What is a belief?” and how it affects our mind and emotions that explains this in more detail.
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Are you saying this is all in my head?

No.  Some of your emotions might be from very real life experiences.  Some of our emotions can be from real life events while some emotions are in response to what our mind projects.  Suppose you are in the midst of a divorce.  Your spouse is splitting up with you and now you are only seeing your children half time.

Those things are real and you are going to go through some emotional cycles as things change.  Those are not part of what your mind is projecting and dreaming.  Those are the facts.  But the facts probably aren’t causing you as much unhappiness as the dreamed up scenarios your mind is spinning.  Those might be how you have failed as a father, as a husband, that your life is ruined, that your kids lives are ruined, that they will be broken the rest of their life.  Those are dreams you are having in your mind.  They are imagined projections about how the rest of your life will turn out, or how your children’s lives will turn out.   They are generally fearful, unhappy, and only exist as movies in your imagination; or what I call dreams in your mind.  You might also call them thoughts or beliefs.

The distinction that is important to make here is between the facts, and what your mind projects onto the facts.  Some of your emotions are a response to real life events.  But many of your emotions, are from things you imagine.  To have the clarity to perceive the difference between reality, and projections of the mind is what I call awareness.  Awareness is critical to changing how you feel emotionally.

With awareness you first become aware of the thoughts, beliefs, opinions, and judgments the mind projects all by itself.  Then notice how much of your emotions come from your mental projections.   These are the emotions that are easiest to change.  You will still likely have some emotions stemming from the reality of how your life is changing.  These emotions can and will change too with some more attention and practice.  It is also much easier to change these emotions once you don’t have the added layer of emotions coming from your negative thoughts and fear based beliefs.

What you discover in this process is that YOU don’t have to change.  That’s because you are not the problem.  You are fine.  The problem is with the negative thoughts and false beliefs in your mind causing all those emotional reactions.  When you change the interpretations your mind makes, your emotional state changes.  Then you are back on your way to feeling fine again.  This is why developing awareness is the key to lasting happiness.

Even the question, “What is wrong with me?” is a combination of thoughts and false beliefs.  It is built on the assumed belief that:

a)  There is something wrong with me.

b)   I don’t know what is wrong so that is another problem of not knowing.

c)   I should know what is wrong with me but I don’t so I feel confused because I don’t know something my belief system says I should know.

All of these thoughts have us chasing some phantom idea that there is something wrong with us.  Why don’t we find it,,, because there is nothing wrong with us.  Yes we feel bad, but that is because we are caught up in these assumed beliefs that there is something wrong.   It’s like we got on the wrong line of questioning and it is taking us into a nightmare dream that there are no answers for.   It’s equivalent to spending time trying to answer the question, “What is the smell of piano music?”  It’s a nonsense question and we would be wasting our time trying to answer it.  The same is true for the question, “What is wrong with me?

We are much better served asking questions like:

What do I believe that isn’t true?  Is the thought my mind thinking helpful to making me happy?  What assumptions are behind that thought that make it not true?   How are those false beliefs affecting me emotionally?  What are the steps to changing these beliefs?

Go to the Self Mastery Course for  practical steps to finding and changing your false and fear based beliefs. By using the tools you learn in the course you will develop awareness about what is going on in your mind and have the tools to change it.

Recently while journaling after an emotional reaction I had an interesting experience I thought I would share.

2nd Person) On the other hand, the image of the 2nd person was created and compared to the assumed image of myself. The judge ruled that the 2^nd person’s image was superior to the image it had for me according to its book of how people should be (Image of Perfection). It determined I was inferior to the other person and so developed another set of ‘rules’ for how the 2nd person should act.  They were a lot different than the set for the 1st person. I believed that because this person is better than me he has the right to judge me and mistreat me. I believed I was what he said I was.  So the judge judges me for not being as I should, as long as I believe I am what he says. My belief system and the voices in my head believe I am at fault and so the ego directs its anger towards me. I am now caught in a spiral of fear, judgment and anger all directed towards myself. In reality the judgment is towards an image which I create and assume is me. If I see this I can watch the reaction without actually being in it.

In both cases the same words were spoken but I felt very differently depending on what I believed about the two people.

Here’s the most important line to read in the second to last paragraph.

If I see this I can watch the reaction without actually being in it.

My take on that is:  If you have awareness, you are free to avoid emotional reactions.

The other point to note here is that this detailed realization really senses the basis for responsibility of our emotions to our self.  This isn’t always a comfortable feeling.  It isn’t always comfortable because we sometimes comfort our self by blaming others.   However, in taking responsibility, we open to door to having power over our emotions.  As long as we are blaming others (abdicating power of our emotions to others) we are dependent on other people to change how we feel.

What Sam discovered was that he was indeed responsible for creating his own emotional reactions.   When he saw how he created his emotions, he could no longer deny that he was creating his emotions.

The important part here is that through developing his awareness of what was going on in his mind Sam is able to change his emotional reaction.   This is important because knowing what is going on or why it is going on isn’t what we want.  What we want is to change our emotional reactions.   These are some of the results you can expect from the Self Mastery Course.

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It is the best of times.  It is the worst of times.  It’s that time of year when we have more parties, social gatherings, big meals with family, presents, beautiful music, all celebrated in our best attire.  It can also be the most emotionally stressful of times as well.  How does that happen?

What produces stress?  Stress can be created by a difference between reality, and our mentally projected version of reality, or a mentally projected version of what reality “should be.”   This mentally projected version of reality is what I like to call “Virtual Reality.”   When our Virtual Reality expectations don’t match with real life, we feel uncomfortable tension emotionally.  We can call that feeling stress.  But it doesn’t stop there.

We then have the impulse to feel better.  This is perfectly natural and a good thing.  Except the way that we go about trying to “fix” things or make changes can make things worse. The assumed solution to changing this feeling is to make reality fit our mental virtual reality.  We try to change people and everything in our life assuming it will make us feel better.   Our thoughts focus on “making every issue perfect” and worrying about what might fail to meet our mental virtual reality.  We work extra hard to control those variables of people, food, decorations, lighting, timing, music, parking, and even other peoples emotions to make things “just right.”  However, “just right” is really a reference to what our belief system has defined as “just right.”  And all of this is to satisfy that made up world of a belief system in our imagination.

Even if we are successful at making things fit our virtual picture we are likely to end up exhausted from the work and worry. We didn’t have a very enjoyable time.  Our experience of the event was largely an experience of stress and worry in our mind and hard work in the real world.  We stressed and willed things to turn out just like planned but ended up not enjoying them that much.  The only satisfaction is in the mission of the virtual reality accomplished but no enjoyment in the moment.   More likely though we didn’t make holiday event fit our virtual formula of “perfect” and react with disappointment, self judgment at failure, or even anger.

Sometimes the tension and worry we feel and why we work so hard to control things is because we want so desperately to avoid the painful emotional reaction our mind will have if expectations are not met.

There is another solution to all this holiday stress.  We don’t have to stress and work hard to control all the variables and make all people, events, decorations, music, food, and conversation fit your mind’s imagined script of “just right.”  The other option is to be aware of your beliefs that make up the virtual reality version and do some mental stretching.  Make your expectation beliefs flexible so they fit closer to reality. You might do this from the start.  Or if something happens during the execution phase of the plan (your plane is delayed due to weather) you adjust your expectation beliefs right then.   With some practice you will find that it is much easier to change the scripted expectations in your virtual reality than it is to change events and people.

There is nothing wrong with trying to make life and events what you want them to be.  That’s not a problem.  The problem is when we automatically follow this agenda that we fail to be aware of what we can not change.  Being aware of the virtual reality desires and consciously modifying them when needed gives us a way to reduce and even eliminate the stress of the holiday season.  It’s also how you can lower your stress all year round.

One of the hidden beliefs behind stress is that we can control all things, all things.  We might intellectually know that we can’t control everything.  We might remind our selves that we can’t, but underneath the thought we still believe that we can. It is a false belief that adds to our stress and results in controlling behavior even when we intellectually “know” better.  Intellectual ideas and thoughts of rationality don’t change emotional beliefs.

Telling our self,   “Oh I should just relax because I know that I can’t control everything,” is not an effective antidote to stress. It can help, but probably won’t fully dissolve the tension and feelings of stress.  In some cases it can actually add to the stress problem.

The thought, “I should just relax and enjoy what is going on,” can actually add stress.  How could a helpful reminder actually cause more stress?  This added stress is caused the same way that celebrating the holidays causes stress.   In the virtual reality of our mind we create an image of how we should be relaxed and enjoying things.  But that virtual version of our self doesn’t match with our real self.  Our real self is still stressed, worried, and maybe frantic.  There is a disparity between our stressed self and our imagined self that should be relaxed.  The difference between our real self and virtual relaxed self sets up another layer of tension.  We are not what the virtual story our mind says we should be and that induces more emotional stress.

We may have the intellectual thought about being relaxed, but ideas aren’t usually enough to change beliefs driving our emotions and behaviors.

Actual relaxing would entail taking a deep breath, feeling it, putting attention on where your muscles are tight in your body and relaxing them, observing the chatter in your mind and laughing at it, taking a moment to notice the beauty and the people around you  etc.  This would be actually relaxing.  But telling your self to do it and doing it are two different things. I suggest relaxing in those moments of stress, don’t just tell your self to do it.   If you find your self telling your self to relax, then please actually do some of these things.

Our Reactions:  “ You’ve Ruined Christmas”

Planning is good, helpful, and even necessary to get things done. The desire and effort to make things beautiful and enjoyable are to be commended.  But what happens when decorations, events, people, or the stuffing doesn’t come out just right?  We react with disappointment, frustration, sadness or anger?   These emotional reactions are clues that our belief system has a virtual reality version different from reality.

With the myriad of events going on this month, something is going to get overlooked, be out of budget, or there just won’t be time for it.   The person responsible for the stuffing might use the wrong sausage (yes a little spicy sausage makes it amazing) or the wrong apples, or no apples at all. Maybe somebody got apple pie instead of your favorite pumpkin, or the turkey is a little dry.  In our mind the most important element of the meal didn’t get met.  The first, and sometimes the only interpretation from the belief system is, “the stuffing (or fill in your own dish) was ruined.  Maybe with all the expectations of our virtual reality about every detail we’ve built up a big reservoir of emotional stress.  Perhaps with so many things not getting met we are filled with disappointment, frustration or anger.  We build up a reservoir of emotion and not it is under pressure.  That emotion wants to vent out. It doesn’t feel good to us to keep it under pressure.  It sees the disappointment with the stuffing as the opportunity and the reservoir of emotion bursts.  Our thoughts and comments about the stuffing exaggerate to “Now the whole meal is ruined”.  With enough emotion we can even feel that “Christmas is ruined.”

At that point we aren’t really experiencing the Holiday. What we are feeling and experiencing is our own emotions.  Those emotions are there largely as a result of the expectations in our mind not getting met.  Those expectations in the virtual reality of our belief system are something that we are responsible for, and that we can change.  It’s not that the meal was wrong, it is that the meal was “wrong” according to the virtual version in our mind of what was “right.”   At that moment you might not be able to change the stuffing, the pie, the turkey, or what someone said, but you can change the belief in your mind, and that will change how you emotionally experience your Holiday.  Changing your beliefs is not only a way to avoid the stress in the preparation phase, but to avoid the emotional reactions in the execution phase.

Maybe you won’t be completely successful at your attempt to have a stress- free holiday this year.  But with some guidance from the Self Mastery course, and some practice, perhaps you will make some changes and be on the path to making every holiday a happy one.

One other thing that will help with Holiday Stress

Nobody else has your script of the Perfect Holiday.  Your child might have a big story (read virtual reality version) of what will make Christmas perfect. For him or her it might be a particular present they want.  You sister’s preferred recipe for stuffing doesn’t include sausage.  (Hard to believe but it is possible.  Maybe she is vegetarian.)  For her, putting sausage in the stuffing ruins the dish.  She doesn’t eat turkey so the stuffing is the meal and now the meal is ruined.  She has a lot of her virtual reality expectations not getting met and her stress disappointment, sadness, and anger is building.

In your script of the perfect holiday, your odd Uncle or grandpa doesn’t tell the same story that you hate every year.  In reality, he does tell that story.  He loves telling that story.  He can’t wait for the holiday meal so he can tell that story again.  The point here is that everyone has developed expectations about this time of year.  The person next to you has expectations in the virtual reality of their mind about how people and things should be, and how they shouldn’t be.  And I’m willing to bet that their version is different than yours.   Each of your versions will be different.  If you try to impose your will and make everything perfect to your version, you might just be “ruining their Christmas.”

Maybe this holiday season the solution to a happier, stress free holiday is a spirit of giving.  Perhaps this year we give up some of your expectations.  Specifically virtual reality expectation in the mind that cause us to stress and then react when things don’t go as expected.  The first step in this path to happiness is to be aware of what your expectations are.

By giving up things in your belief system you can let someone else have it their way.  This is a simple way to help share some joy.  Some people distort this to mean that they are giving in.  In reality you are using the opportunity to free your self from the limiting beliefs that cause you stress and unhappiness.  So in truth, you are giving your self the opportunity to experience greater freedom and happiness.  It’s a gift that serves your happiness, and those around you.  Freedom from the limiting beliefs that cause you emotional stress and unhappiness is a great gift to give your self this holiday season. And any other season as well.

I wish Many Blessings to You, your family, and friends this year and next.  May you experience the emotional feeling of happiness, love, and joy every day of your life.

Gary van Warmerdam

PS.  As a reminder of the many blessings you have, you might take the time and listen to session 1 of the Free Self Mastery series on Gratitude.

I understand that an agreement can be changed regarding an emotional reaction.  But, people do move to California for better weather, or move away from Los Angeles to get away from traffic, or in your case, you said that there are people you just don’t want to have lunch with anymore.  To me, these are preferences.  I’m not sure how you would distinguish a preference from an emotional reaction.  It’s the emotional reaction that causes the preference?

Thank you JJS

Hi, JJS,

Yes circumstances and our preferences for certain circumstances make a difference but there is another factor that we have to consider.  That there are beliefs in our mind that are playing a part as well and that is something we can change.

At the other extreme we can take Nelson Mandela who was unjustly imprisoned for 27 years.  He walks out with no bitterness and no sense of victimization or hate.  He forgives his captors as if he never judged them to begin with.  His emotional state contradicts his circumstances.   So what is really causing his emotional state to be in such a way?  It is not his circumstances.  So what is it?  I propose that it is the interpretations in our mind that we believe in,, or don’t believe in.   If we can find these beliefs in our mind, and change them, then we can change our emotional state without having to change other people, or even our self.

So I have avoided the question.  Where and when are our emotions caused by our beliefs and where and when are they being determined by our circumstances.   The only way to find out is to honestly and ruthlessly challenge the beliefs and see where  our emotions shift.  When they do not, then perhaps we are dealing with a circumstance issue.  But we can not be sure that is the case until we have removed any possible beliefs that are interfering.   In summary, what I am saying is that I can not answer the question for you.  You have to discover it for your self.

Happy Hunting,

Gary

In response to one of the free exercises in the Self Mastery course.

]]> http://www.pathwaytohappiness.com/happiness/2010/08/21/power-over-happiness/feed/ 0 http://www.pathwaytohappiness.com/happiness/2010/07/25/daniel-kahneman-on-happiness-from-memories-and-experience/ http://www.pathwaytohappiness.com/happiness/2010/07/25/daniel-kahneman-on-happiness-from-memories-and-experience/#comments Sun, 25 Jul 2010 00:55:10 +0000 Gerard van Warmerdam http://www.pathwaytohappiness.com/happiness/?p=274 Daniel Kahneman complicates and clarifies happiness.

One of Daniel’s positions is that much of our happiness about an experience is from our memory of that experience.  Daniel address that this memory is subjective as it is determined by our story of our experiences.  What he doesn’t point out, and what I think is worth exploring,  is that our stories are changeable.   If our stories are our version of memories, and our memories have emotional happiness related to them, then we can consciously change our story of our past experiences and thereby change how we feel.  We don’t even have to change the facts of our story, but only the interpretation of the experience so that we emphasize different points and have different conclusions.   We can’t change the facts of our experiences but we can change interpretations and stories and in that way we can change how happy we are.

Really?

To that comment I sometimes like to ask two questions,

One:   “In terms of percentage, how far along should you be?”

Two:     “In terms of percentage, how far along are you?”

The assessment without those questions always seems vague and without validation.  When you ask in terms of something specific like percentage, you can narrow down the answer to between 0 and 100.  That by itself is still a lot of choices, but at least the criteria is more specific.  I think it’s easier to answer when you make it specific.  But even when I make it easier like this  people don’t seem to be able to answer.  They don’t know how far along they are and they don’t know how far along they should be.  Yet somehow they “know”, “I’m not as far along as I should be.”

How do they “know”?   It’s really that they have an image in their mind of themselves as a failure and they believe that the image is them. In short,,, they believe it.  What we believe in our mind is what we “know.”  What can be weird about this is that we can “know” something and it still not be true. What we “know” is that we are not as far along as we should be.  We “know” it only because we believe it, whether it is true or not.  We have no real measurement of our progress, or what reasonable progress should look like, but we accept the conclusion as truth.  The result of accepting this idea as truth is that we feel like a failure.

Because the voice in your head thinks something doesn’t mean it has to be true.  Sometimes the voice in our head can tell us things that aren’t truth. When we believe the lies that it says, we are likely to unnecessarily suffer emotionally.

When we believe the voice in our head is telling us the truth, and we feel like we “know” it.  That sense of knowing can give us a feeling of confidence in what we know.  We feel smart in our knowing, even if what we know isn’t true, and makes us unhappy.

Let’s call that voice in our head that is criticizing us the Judge. Sometimes it tells us the truth.  Sometimes it tells us lies.  Sometimes that judge can be so critical it is berating and abusive.  It can drag us back into emotional suffering with its lies.   Because that voice of the Judge has guided us towards success and away from failure in the past we tend to accept what it says as true.  We unconsciously consider it an advisor.  The voice of the Judge tells us we should be farther along and we assume it is somehow helping us.    That’s not the only thing that is happening.

Sometimes when the internal dialog of the Judge is putting us down we justify that it is helping us.  “It’s giving me a good kick so I’ll work harder,”  is the kind of response we defend the Judge with.  Sometimes we accept this defense at face value.  When we do we believe it and now it feels true.  We “know” it.  Except if we look at little closer the explanation starts to fall apart.

What does “further along” really mean.  Further along towards what?   “Further along” really means happier.  “I’m not as far as long as I should be,” translates to:  “I’m not as happy as I should be.”   What does it take to be happier?  Happier means more love.  Love comes in the form of self acceptance and self respect.

The voice of the Judge rejects us.  It is not accepting and it is not respectful of our own well being and yet we defend this criticism as “motivational help.”  We justify that the harder it is on us the more that it is motivating us.  You’d be surprised how often I get this kind of explanation.  The truth is that the more it criticizes us for not being far enough along, the more we reject our self.  The more we believe this voice in our head, the unhappier we are.   So how could this self rejection that the Judge is doing, which is the opposite of self acceptance and self respect possibly be helping us towards happiness?

It can’t.

It’s kind of like this.  The judge is throwing dirt on you when you are not clean enough.  It says, “Hey, you don’t accept your self enough so take this rejection and you will improve our self.   It’s really becomes ridiculous when you are aware of it.  But that’s part of the trick.  You have to shift your perspective to become aware of it.

So what can you do to help your self?  It starts with awareness.  First you need awareness that what you think, may not be true.  Awareness that you don’t always have to believe what you think.  Then, with a little practice, you learn to scrutinize the internal dialog of the Judge and find out that it’s not always helpful.

A few things to consider.

That voice in your head may have been more helpful in the past, but as we get older it gets out of control.  It spends more time berating us than guiding or helping us.  When it comes to self acceptance, respect, love, and happiness,,, it doesn’t have much experience.  Most of what that voice in your head “knows” is about fear. It is constantly telling you what you have to do and should do to avoid what you fear.  The problem with the information it is giving you is that it is based on what it knows from the past.   It assumes that all future experiences will be like the past ones.  We have a very powerful memory, and it distorts how we see the present moment when we believe the internal dialog in our head.

For insights on how to change this dynamic of falling for the self rejection that goes on in your mind Listen and Practice the exercises in the Self Mastery course.  The first 4 sessions are free. Sign up here. You might also want to check out the free audio about self awareness and changing beliefs.

When you ask this question to someone else,,, you are opening the door to giving away your personal power and creating a victim mindset.   This is a dangerous question to ask.  At the same time guidance can be helpful.

In the early stages of our personal development we ask many questions.  In the beginning the questions are general, unfocused, and many times harmful.  We aren’t aware of how powerful a question can be at controlling our attention and occupying our mind with very limited ways of thinking.  Usually we are in a unhappy or confused state when we ask these types of questions.  And the types of questions that arise from this mind set act to reinforce the very emotions we are trying to get out of.       

What are some better questions to ask?

What is the kind thing to do?
What is the respectful thing to do?
What is the compassionate thing to do?
What do I not want?
How will I treat myself?
How will I treat others?
How do I want to feel?

Learning to ask better questions is a skill.  Like any skill it can take time.  However the more we are aware of the questions we ask, the less automatic they are.  The more aware of each question our mind asks, and the automated way our imagination and emotions respond the better we will get at asking questions.

The most common of beginner question is, “What should I do?”   Why is this such a poor question to ask when we are wrapped up in emotional issues?  That question can lead us back into the same negative belief structure that asked it.

The question implies or assumes that there is a particularly “right” answer.  Whenever we are looking for the “right” answer our mind flips into a mode of duality and looks at things in a right/wrong split.  All answers that are not the “right” answer are classified as wrong.  There can be one thousand wrong.  You can imagine a poor outcome with any action you take thereby making the action appear wrong.  All of these with any possible negative outcome are classified as “wrong.”  It is assumed that the “right” or “should” action will result in everything being right and everyone being happy.  It’s a very high standard of perfection that is implied when we use the word “should” or “right.”  

This very high, and often unreasonable expectation sets us up for feeling like a failure.

Having an image of perfection or an expectation in and of itself isn’t the really bad part.  It could even be good when it motivates us to take action or inspire creativity.   The bad part is that the mental construct of an image of perfection sets you up for two rounds of self judgment.

Once you adopt this mental construct of what you “should” do, you also build a self image of the kind of person you should be.  So now there are two images of perfection.  One is of the action that leads to the perfect outcome.  The second image of perfection is more personal. It is of who you should be.  There can be more perfection images in the mind such as, how everyone else should feel, that can complicate this even further, but lets keep it simple for now.

With these two imaginary images the voice of the inner judge now has two concepts it can use for comparison.  With its typical method of comparison there can only be two outcomes.  The best outcome possible is that you meet the expectations of your belief system.  No praise here.  All you did was what was expected of you.  With your greatest effort you broke even by meeting expectations of your belief system.

The second outcome isn’t that kind.  For any lesser action, even the emotional reactions of another person that you can’t control, the inner judge criticizes you.  “I could have (should have” done that differently.”  The second judgment follows the first.  If you didn’t succeed in achieving the image of perfection outcome then you failed.  If you failed, then that means you are a failure.  It’s a simple duality based conclusion the judge and victim voices in your head do automatically.  The result is self rejection in the form of a self judgment.

This self rejection happens in your own head and can be emotionally powerful.  When we are preoccupied trying to answer the question, “What should I do?” our attention is so wrapped up in the importance of figuring out the right thing to do that we don’t see this set up to self judgment.

Why is our attention so wrapped up with figuring out the “right” thing we “should” do?  Somewhere in our sub-conscious belief system we sense that the painful self judgment will come if we do things wrong.  We are afraid of the painful self judgment from our inner judge and we seek to avoid it.   We feel the pressure to get things “right” but don’t notice that much of the motivation is really about avoiding the pain of self judgment that is going to be generated in our imagination.

We feel the pressure from the voices in our head but don’t notice that this is just our imagination and belief system at work.  It usually takes a person a while to realize that this emotional self abuse is optional.   We are so used to self judgment by the time we are adults that we accept this as an unchangeable reality.  Then the only solution to avoid the punishment that we perceive is to get the answer “right.”   And “right” means perfect where everyone is satisfied.  Of course we don’t notice that this standard assumes that everyone will interpret the action and the outcome free from any judge and victim perspectives.  (not likely)

It can be very helpful to seek help, guidance, and support.  However we can help our self more when we are mindful of the questions we ask and how their underlying assumptions can be setting us up for self judgment.

Be Mindful When Asking for Help

I’m all for advice.  I like to pick the brains and perspective of seasoned individuals that have proven results in an area.  It can save us a lot of time in learning so we don’t have to figure everything out on our own.  What I am not in favor of is collecting of images of perfection that the inner judge uses as an expectation to measure our self worth.  The next time you ask someone, “What should I do?” take a moment to notice whether your inner judge might use their answer in a conspiracy of self-judgment against you.

Please don’t ask me to give you advice about what you “should” do.  I probably won’t answer you directly.  If I answer your question in the format you expect, then I am providing you with an image of a perfection for an outcome that may or may not be achievable.   You are asking an image of perfection that the inner judge can use.   I’m probably going to try to do you the favor of not feeding this structure of beliefs.  My answer might come back as a question or redirect your attention to looking at the situation differently.

Some people will have a reaction to this.  They will get upset because I haven’t answered directly.  They are so fixated on getting things “right” that they feel cheated when avoid the trap their belief system is making.   I know that person is upset because their only hope to avoid painful self judgment is to get the answer of what they “should” do.  And any delay in getting that answer has them slipping further into the jaws of the self judgment for getting it “wrong.”

I apologize for not answering directly.  But I’m not trying to satisfy your hope of getting things right.  I’m actually trying to save you from a much bigger problem. The bigger problem is that painful self judgment and the fear it creates drives the mind to believe that the “right” answer is the only hope.

Please don’t ask me to conspire with the trap your belief system creates with  self judgments.  At the same time, it is okay and even advisable in most situations to seek counsel and guidance.  Just do your best to be aware and avoid this trap of self judgment.

If you have another question,,, a better question,,, I might give a more direct answer.  Look back to the beginning of this article for some ideas on how to ask a better question.  If these questions don’t apply, then ask other questions.  If you can’t come up with another question then ask, “What questions should I be asking?”    There are lots of ways that you can get help, support and guidance from people through sticky situations without building images of perfection that the judge will use.   
There are lots of questions that I work on asking that will help you to look at the situation differently.  There is a lot that can be done with perspective and inquiry that is extremely helpful without anyone telling you what you should do.

So if I don’t respond to your question of, “What should I do?” in a way that you expect then I hope this explains it.   I’m not trying to give you ice cubes so the pain from the fire stops.  I’m trying to help you put out the fire that you are sitting in.