Comments on: Controlling Relationships

By: Gerard van Warmerdam

Gerard van Warmerdam — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 02:56:37 +0000

If you are one of those people trapped in the dynamic of controlling relationships you can change the behavior and emotions. The steps to doing so are in the Self Mastery course located on this site.

http://www.pathwaytohappiness.com/self_mastery.htm

By: kelly

kelly — Thu, 27 Nov 2008 02:12:21 +0000

i can relate to the story on so many levels. only i feel like im “jack”
my bf shane is jill to many degrees. i feel like nothing i can do is ever good enough or that im never doing any thing right. ive told him many times that when he points out my faults or mistakes that it hurts my feeling and evern tho he says hes not doing it to be mean he does it alot and i start to think that he is infact doing it to be a jerk and some times i think he gets it but then later hell say that his dad was the same way to him. i dunno what that has to do with any thing besides him already knowing how horrible it made him feel so why do it to me? i always feel like everything that we do has to be done the way he wants it done and its sooo frastrating! hes very crital about alot things and his opinions can hurt too.

any time we have a argument or fight no matter how big or small if i say “im sorry” and own what i did wrong its never good enough for him or if i feel like hes in the wrong he almost never appologizes because he doesnt think hes ever wrong or can do wrong. its almost like he feel better when he knows hes in the right all the time and thats more important to him and our relationship suffers because of it. i guess my biggest worry is that because we are exspecting our first child together(in jan) im affaid that he’ll be the one over my shoulder telling me and pointing out all the things that im doing wrong and thats just gonna make things so much more worse and stressful!

were not talking right now because hes upset with me over a stupid argument we had 2 days ago. i said i was sorry but hes still mad. i dunno what eles i can do and because of him being mad even after i appologized to him he went out and stayed out till the wee hours of the morning getting drunk and not even telling me where or when he was gonna be home. i would never so that to him..its just so unfair i just wish he would grow up!

i need help!

By: mommyto2boys

mommyto2boys — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 14:16:07 +0000

My husband (married only a few weeks now, but have lived together for 2 years) is very insecure. His ex-wife cheated on him and he is convinced that I will/am doing the same. His words: if I turn off my phone at night its because I’m getting calls I don’t want him to see; if I dress nice to go to work, I’m meeting someone at lunch; if I’m 15 minutes late getting home at night from work, I was with someone; if we are walking through a store and a man looks at me, its because I wanted him to look at me. He tells me if I didn’t do these things that he wouldn’t be thinking these things. I’m to the point now where I’m scared. I’m scared of what his reaction will be all the time. I’m constanting walking on eggshells. We’ve been to counseling before regarding this and he understood at that point that he did have insecurities and issues from his first marriage, but why have they returned and will they ever go away? Question: if he truly believes all that he thinks is happening, why is he with me?

By: In Turmoil

In Turmoil — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 17:23:40 +0000

I am the controlling one in our relationship/marriage , even though it has gotten better I still sometimes feel lost. I had very strong jealousy issues and they still rise today. I was sexually abused as a young girl, when I see my husband watch a program that has a sexually explicit scene in it, or see him glance an at an attractive female , my stomach does somersaults. I/we are working on all of this together and me separately as well. He has changed SO much for me(not my request), BUT I no longer want him stepping on eggshells. Our lives together have come to a crossroads where we were to end it or “fix” it….we are working on the fixing it. I believe my husband finally gets “it”, that he can’t make me happy…I need to make ME happy. I am doing everything I know to control my anger, change my thoughts, read the books, listen to the audio, see the therapists etc, but sometimes it’s just so overwhelming…and I want “it” to all go away. thank-you gary for your amazing gifts.

By: Gary

Gary — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 04:07:43 +0000

That’s the bad news. The good news is that you can change.

The important question, the one that you need to answer out loud, is, “What action are you going to take?”
Gary

By: Ready to leave

Ready to leave — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 03:13:08 +0000

Wow, I really identified with this article. I’m Jill…and I am sick of it, ready to leave because I don’t want to be this person anymore but I can’t seem to react any other way while around my husband. My husband has always been very unconcerned with the resonsibility of paying bills. Seems that for the past number of years, paying all the bills and financial responsibilities have come down to me. He hasn’t held a job in a number of years and has gotten to the point where he feels that I earn enough & am better at it, so I should be the one & only. We don’t have kids, so most of the time he just reads articles or watches TV. I have become angry, controlling via my emotions and verbally toxic because I don’t know what to do & can’t believe of all the situations to take place in a marriage, this is the one I am dealing with. I have finally decided that this is the way he is, and since it is not a trait I wish to have in someone I share my life with, it is best to leave if I ever want to see some semblence of my happy self again and release him from his captivity of emotional abuse. I am so sad, because I have spent way too long in this marriage and have probably damaged him thru my verbal abuse and made his situation worse by what my words have done to his confidence, and I have become an angry, bitter nagging wife.

By: Gary

Gary — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 16:23:12 +0000

One of the big assumptions that perpetuates the downward spiral of emotions is that we believe we are responsible for the others emotions. Our partner says things that relate our actions to their feelings. They don’t acknowledge that there are elements of interpretation and beliefs in their mind as well.

If you are going to free your self from guilt, then you will have to become aware of those interpretations and beliefs in your mind.

By: Cody

Cody — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 15:59:20 +0000

Gary thank you for the article. Really struggling at the moment. My partner has always been this way, telling me what what I needed to do to make her happy, I tried and tried. Finished up in an drug treatment program 2 years ago for a host of reasons, but this was one, and she has had treatment for depression and and anger, which worked for a while. 8 months ago I was accused of having an affair with a friend I do some volunteering with. I was asked to drop the work and reduce contact with the friend, and told that a husband should always check everything is ok with his wife before he does anything, and “that is loving”. I attempted to reduce my contact but wanted to keep work going and she is a friend and there was no affair. It made no difference, any subsequent contact had a huge row about not listening to her and doing what I wanted, and hurting her. There has been a number of very nasty verbally abusing rows(her on me) and I have felt terrible, and violated after, and I have been told some very hurtful and destructive things. We have talked about splitting but I am being told that I am to blame as she is willing to change(says) and I am not willing to work at it and will cause untold damage to our 2 children and am being selfish. I have not been communicative at times and have caused hurt but know that it is not all me. I am guilt ridden but cant see how I can keep going, feel I have let everyone down and have thought about suicide. Reading this now makes me think I am with a very controlling manipulative person(her father is very controlling) who is run by fears but is doing me a lot of damage and I have to get out. I just have to trust and look at ways of getting away from this. I know it is me that is letting her damage me but I find it hard when I am continually being told I am the problem and I keep looking at myself.

By: Gary

Gary — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 04:47:30 +0000

The mind wants to jump to a simple conclusion that it is one or the other is at fault. But it is easily both parties that are responsible. It is possible, and often the case, that both parties can be critical, and both feel victimized. As we grow up just about everybody develops an inner judge, and an inner victim. The sense of victimization makes it easy to judge another person with criticism and venom. But because that temptation is easy, doesn’t mean that it is what we really want.

By: Mare

Mare — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 03:52:15 +0000

Gary, first off, I want to tell you that I loved your article! It was so helpful to me. I was able to identify with everything you talked about, especially the section on beliefs behind staying in a controlling relationship. You described me to a tee! I have a question: in your article, you say that Jill feels abused and therefore, she becomes the abuser. Do you know what causes the abused to become the abuser? I was shocked the other night to hear my boyfriend tell me that he resents me and feels abused by me. I was in shock because I have felt like I am the one who is being abused (he criticises me, tells me that I need to change and says I am 80% to blame for the problems in our relationship and in fights, he calls me names, and puts down my family). I know that I have not been flawless in this relationship, but I do not treat him the way he treats me and I have acknowledged my flaws and continue to work on improving them. So, now I’m wondering, is the problem really just with him ie. does he have some control issues and he would ultimately be like this with anyone OR I am responsible for making him this way? If I was really good for the next year (ie. didn’t complain, as this has caused him to feel abused) would things eventually calm down or will he always find something to complain or criticize about me?
PS. Gary, you are doing something really special by helping so many people with your work. God bless!