How To Create Wealth

How Do You Create Wealth

first take time to notice the abundance in your life.

How much is your eyesight worth?
How much is your hearing worth?
How much is the ability to breath and walk worth?
How much are friends and family that support you worth to you?

then you will have gratitude.
At this point, you might realize that you have all the wealth you need, and more.
With gratitude it will be easier to see what is possible.
      With Gratitude you can marvel with wonder at what is possible.
With these eyes of wonder you will be able to see and dream new possibilities.
With a sense of possibility you will have excitement and inspiration.
If you don’t feel these things, then perhaps fear is in the way of gratitude and possibility.
Then you must identify fear and change the false beliefs they arise from.
When we feel fear, or have limiting beliefs of fear, these emotions and beliefs determine what we see.
With fear we see a world with scarcity, competition, and adversaries.
With gratitude we see the people that will support our dreams and efforts.
When you feel gratitude you will see the world differently and will have faith in a greater possibility.
With Faith in what is possible you will be inclined to take action.
When you take a new action, you will get a new result.
Then you measure the result and adjust your next action for a better result.
Then you get better and better at getting results.
And then, many times in this process, ask your self if you will trade what you are doing, and what you are gaining for your happiness?   Many people often go after wealth and success without asking this question, and decades later regret the happiness the sacrificed.  It takes them many years to realize that their emotional state of happiness was devalued, when in fact it was worth more all along. It is the person that is happy that often has a precious joy that he will not trade for material riches.
If a person has dominion over their attention, and emotions, they you can live in peaceful happiness. Such a person is already wealthy.   They have a kind of wealth that people with money can not afford .

Stopping Negative Thoughts and Emotions

Adam wants to stop the negative thoughts and emotions of anxiety, insecurity, and frustration.  But there is more to it than just thoughts and emotion. When you look closer you find there is something pushing those negative thoughts and emotions. There is a past memory with repressed emotion, unconscious beliefs, and most importantly a false self image.

In spite of being very accomplished Adam still has many of the same feelings and emotions he felt in grade school.  When Adam was 10 he wasn’t very big or athletic.  In school pick up games he would be picked last. Emotionally it hurt at the time.  He explained it to himself in his mind by saying he wasn’t that good. That part was true, but the story and explanation didn’t stop there. Multiple times teams chose sides and multiple times his mind made up stories to explain his situation. He concluded that people didn’t pick him because there was something wrong with him.  When he would think about going out to play the next day, or next year all he could see was that he wouldn’t get picked.  Nobody wanted him on their team.  Over time the story exaggerated into “Nobody would ever want him”.  What Adam didn’t know in grade school was that he was forming beliefs about himself, including beliefs about his identity that would be with him for a long time.

These are the kinds of thoughts Adam would think and from his perspective of how things looked on the playground, it seemed like reality.  He could point to the playground and conclude that it was true.  The pain of these experiences cut deep into him. But worse, the agreements, or beliefs, Adam made about himself remained there into adulthood. In that memory was not only the story, but also an image of himself as a grade school kid with the emotions of feeling rejected.

Adam’s mind also made a kind of template that he used to explain other things from then on. What started as an explanation to oneself continued into a long running narrative.   When a girl turned him down or broke up with him he had a ready made explanation.  “Of course she doesn’t want to be with me. No one would want to be with me.”  When one of his projects was up for an award he was preemptively managing the possible painful rejection with, “Of course I’m not going to win.  I never get picked.”  Whenever he is going to meet with a potential investor for one of his deals he has a voice in his head that is certain it won’t go well. The common element in these stories in his head is that he identifies himself in the same role as on the playground. There is part of his mind, formed when he was 10 years old still alive in his memory explaining and justifying with the same reasoning at 40. It comes complete with that boy’s perspective, explanations, emotional pains and anxiety. The repetition of these types of narratives reinforced all the false beliefs and false identity patterns and made them seem more like reality each time instead of a story he told himself.

Adam has been trying to be aware of the thoughts and how to change emotions that he didn’t even notice that there is a false identity formed years ago claiming to be him which is the source of these thoughts.

Adam often saw the adult world from this emotionally wounded perspective and view events in a way that no one else around him did. When he would talk about potential investors turning down funding for one of his projects Adam would say, “It’s like I’m still on the playground and no one wants to pick me.”  The agreements and beliefs he made about himself at 10 years old were still active, alive, and even bigger at 40.

These days Adam still spends a lot of time looking at present day world experiences and possibilities through the identity and emotions of a 10 year old version of himself.  When he is having lunch with his girlfriend of 8 months, and she checks her work phone for messages, there is a voice in his head saying, “She cares more about work than me.  She’d choose work over me.  Whenever she has to change plans his 10 year old self is quite certain that she will break up with him. The internal dialog of thoughts has a continual narrative about what is wrong with him and why she will choose someone else.

Adam would say that his issue is insecurity and anxiety. Adam has figured out that these feelings are connected to these negative thoughts. What Adam is currently working on is realizing a layer deeper.  These thoughts are not coming from him but are coming from some aspect of the mind that is generating them on its own.  This strong emotional memory forged into a false identity doesn’t just have thoughts, it has emotions, lots of them.  It’s got emotions churning around since the playground days, struggling in school, old relationships, and career concerns. Because there are so many emotions throughout the day it is difficult to tell which ones are from where.

Adam has a talented and creative mind that is brilliantly quick.  It is why people are willing to pay him six figures a year to work on their projects.  His imagination can simultaneously be in several places at once which is a great creative gift as he is considering options.  However, when it comes to his emotions and a hurt ten your old imagining and explaining things it becomes emotionally painful quickly. Adam could easily be operating consciously or sub-consciously to produce emotions in four different narratives at once. He can be thinking about a meeting coming up and creating anxiety about it. He can also imagine that the meeting happened and that the people turned him down producing a feeling of rejection.  Simultaneously, he can be replaying a memory in the viewpoint of the 10 year old feeling the fear of not getting picked.  At the same time he is imagining a later segment of time not getting picked which produces feeling of rejection and unworthiness.  While he is in the meeting with potential investors, he is also on the playground feeling the emotional memories of a 10 year old self.

Sometimes these characters speak to us from our past as if they still live there.  They might still live in that same time period of the memory as well as emotional state, but they don’t live in reality. Imagination is powerful when it comes to our emotions.  If we believe the thoughts that these characters think then we will see the world the way they do, and we will continue to feel the emotions of our past. For Adam the challenge is to separate his perspective from the hurt 10 year old and keep it separate. It’s a tricky illusion of a belief bubble to step outside of but worth doing.  Becoming aware of identity perspective, and how our imagination can dream multiple distorting ones at the same time is critical to changing thoughts and emotions that arise.  It is so important that I spend more than one lesson of the Self Mastery course on ways to change perspective.

One of the common associated lies about these voices in our head (characters is what I call them) is that they are trying to help us.  They have some plan to protect us from getting hurt. They will tell us not to ask that person out so that we don’t get hurt from rejection.  They will tell us not to ask for a raise so we don’t get hurt from being told no. They will tell us not to start a business because it won’t work out anyways. If we listen to all these fears telling us what not to do a person can feel trapped and afraid of trying anything. The result is that we aren’t really happy. It turns out that these voices don’t really protect us from the pain.  The pain is already there in the memory. All the things these voices tell us work to protect their identity emotional memories and rarely helps us to be happy.

If you wish to change the negative thoughts and emotions you feel you will have to look deeper than the thoughts and emotions themselves.  You will have to look at the source of them.  There you might find some voices from your past, or something that you once identified as you at a younger age. If some of these character voices in your head are giving you advice on what you should and shouldn’t be doing today you might want to check their references.  Where did they come from and what emotions are they operating in?

 

 

Getting Your Needs Met Without Being Needy

Getting Your Needs Met Without Being Needy

Having needs is not the same as being needy.  No man is an island.  And neither is a woman. We all have needs, but we don’t have to go about getting them met in a needy way. Most days as an adult, we can take care of many, but not all of our needs.  We probably didn’t build our own house, get the water to run indoors, or farm our own food.  Yet growing up into adulthood we acquire the belief that we should be able to take care of everything our self.  As a result we ignore the reality of our interdependence.  We might even believe the illusion that we can or do take care of all our own needs. This kind of false belief is likely to lead to unhappiness in areas of your life.

If you are trying to project that positive self-image, which is often done in relationships, expressing needs looks like a stain of weakness on the success image we try to convey.  Indeed, today’s western economy makes it possible to meet all our own physical survival needs by ourselves. We can earn enough money to provide water, food, shelter, and rest in comfortable fashion. At first glance, it looks like all our needs are met.  However, in order to be happy and fulfilled, we need to have other experiences other than survival and that requires we meet other needs in ways we might not have considered.

We are complex beings and therefore have different kinds of needs.

Emotionally, we have a need to love and be loved.  These can take many forms like respect, appreciation, compassion, laughter, or other emotions. At other times it will be necessary to be in touch with emotions like grief, sadness, anger, or remorse so they can be processed and released. Without allowing ourselves to experience these we repress them and cut ourselves off from all emotions, not just the unpleasant ones. Suppressing emotions keeps us from being fully present and feeling alive in the moment.

For a relationship to be satisfying it will need to have mutual support, affection, sexual satisfaction, play, fun.  It will also need to be emotionally safe with feelings of connection, respect, and appreciation.  You don’t need these things to survive, but you will need them to be happy in a relationship.  A client, Jason, was finding that he wasn’t getting the kind of intimate time he wanted with his girlfriend, Anna.  He asked her if they could spend time during the week with their phones off, just paying attention and listening to each other.  He also asked for more time being affectionate, cuddling, and relaxing together.  Anna laughed it off, saying Jason was just being needy. In Anna’s world of beliefs, which made her successful in a corporate environment, “needy” meant being pathetic, weak.  Not long after, Jason figured out that by having what he asked for dismiss and judged by Anna, that he didn’t really need Anna.

Our mind has its own needs. The mind needs to be creative and dream.  It needs to be exercised, inspired, and at times spontaneous so it doesn’t suffer in boredom.  At times it will be good to be challenged so we stretch, grow, and learn. We also may have a need for our mind to be quiet and peaceful at times so we can relax and rest.

The aspect of our Spirit has a need for a connection to something bigger, whether you call it the cosmos, nature, or something more divine. The path to this connection will feel like a need for freedom, adventure, or at times isolation.  The yearning for a connection to a greater consciousness can cause us to ache.  If we do not seek out this connection and activity, whether it be through something inward like meditation, or outward like camping or church, we will ache in an unfulfilled way.

At a soul level we may need a connection to a community, the earth, or our fellow human beings. Sometimes this need is satisfied with a sense of purpose or meaningful work. Sometimes this need gest satisfied with gardening.  If you don’t’ find this need met with your job or hobby, then you will have to pursue volunteering.  Perhaps this need of the soul is met with a contribution to a community, or harmony with others at church.

Judging Our Needs

If our ego is so intent on not needing anything from anybody, then we are minimizing the importance of our happiness in the areas that nurture our emotions, relationships, spirit, and soul. Our ego will point to a hard outer shell and feel good about being strong and independent. At the same time the voice in our head is busy telling us that these feelings on the inside are not important and that we are being pathetic and weak for having them. This kind of self judgment will create an emotional reaction of insecurity or shame that will need to be dissolved. Sometimes this kind of self-judgment gets compounded with a fear that others will think of us as needy because we have these feelings.  It is these kinds of contradicting stories in our head, one that says we are independent, and a contrary one that says we are weak, that are clues that we are out of our integrity.   Not only are we isolating ourselves from others in ways that we could connect, we are not satisfying these needs that are essential to be happy.

Judging these needs/desires as weak, pathetic, or dismissing them represses them.  When the needs of our soul, spirit, and emotional body are repressed we don’t take actions to have them met and parts of our being continue to hunger and ache. The outcome of this lack of action is that we won’t have what we need to love, feel loved, fulfilled, and happy. In this case we might not be allowing our self to feel our real needs enough.

Over a long time of repressing these very real needs our pain grows and we feel victimized and then become frustrated, agitated, and angry. At this point real needs fester into a neediness driven by the victim aspect of the ego feels and we might desperate. This is when we become the kind of needy other people don’t want to be around.

Good Needs and Dreaded “Being Needy”

As we look at having our needs met, we need to have an awareness of the difference between real needs, and victim needs of the ego or we will venture into suffering at the other extreme. A clue that you are crossing the line from good needs into destructive needs are when your wants become feelings of desperation, fear, or insecurity. Another sign is if we are calculating our gestures in an effort to be covert and get what we want. If we are not being honest with our partner, then we probably aren’t being entirely honest with our self.  The Victim aspect of the ego only looks to others, and not to our self to make us feel better. And when feelings persist, or false expectations aren’t met, the victim aspect blames others for the disappointment, toxic emotions, and circumstances.

If you are hurt or blaming, then you are past the ego’s Victim aspect of needy and have possibly turned angry about it. If you find yourself making ultimatums or demanding someone do something for you, or you believe they are the only one that can meet your need then you have crossed the line as well. If your needs aren’t being met and you respond with emotional punishments like disappointment, judgment, resentment, or frustration, then you are engaged in an unhealthy neediness. Emotional punishment is not a good long term strategy for satisfying needs. Heck, it’s not even a good short term strategy. If we are trying to get our needs met in this way, people around us will withdraw, and we will be further away from the satisfaction and happiness we desire.

A quick question to ask yourself is whether you are operating above or below the line of feeling neutral. If your need involves getting out of an emotional pit like of fear, despair, or insecurity then you are likely operating from the Victim part of the ego.  If your need involves feeling more love, happiness, appreciation, or connection, then you are probably working on good needs that involve healthy positive interactions with others. The long term answer is awareness of several aspects; what your needs are, when they are victim ego driven, how you ask, and whether the people around you can or will provide for what you ask.

We are complex beings requiring only a few physical things to survive, but many other intangible things in order to flourish and be happy.  Holding rigidly to the belief of “not being needy” causes us to blur the line between material and everything else.  We think of food, water, and shelter as needs, and everything else as wants. We tell ourselves we can do without “wants” and “desires” because we don’t need them.  However, these “wants” and “desires” are what we need in order to be happy and fulfilled.  Maybe part of the problem here is that we don’t think of being happy or feeling fulfilled, as important in our life to have the status of a need. How important is being happy to you? Until it is important, we dismiss our wants and desires and live a life unfulfilled and unhappy. You don’t have to consider satisfying wants and desires necessary for survival, but they are essential needs for spiritual, emotional well-being, and happiness.

The Glass Is Your Life

 

Do you look at the glass and see it as half full, or half empty?

This isn’t a very important question, and the answer doesn’t matter. The more important question is, How do you look at your life? Even more importantly, is the story you tell yourself that makes the difference.  If you look at your life and you see the parts that aren’t full, or the feel empty, you will feel like you are missing something.  That is entirely okay to feel an emptiness.  It’s the beginning of a desire, a yearning, and that can lead to taking steps to get it.  Or do you look at that emptiness and feel down and tell yourself a story of pity and sorrow? Do you ask the people around you to partake in joining you to fill up that empty space and make it what you want? Are you willing at that moment to do something different?  Or do you look around waiting for someone to somehow know what you want without telling them, and hope that you get it, while you keep painfully feeling the emptiness at the same time.

Or do you put your attention mostly on the part of your life that is full.  Do you feel grateful for it? Do you marvel at that fact that it is all happening while at a warmed up spot on the earth while spinning through galaxies of stars?  Yes, your life could always have more on top of what you have.  The glass of life can be imagined to be infinitely tall making it seem like we have so little.  Or do you look at what you have and enjoy it?  Do you drink from that glass and savor what you have, whatever amount it is?

It may not be important how we look at a glass on the table, but it is important to our happiness how we look at our life.  And a more important variable in determining our happiness is the interpretation we make about the part of our life we look at.

What parts of your life do you spend the most time looking at?  And what stories do you tell yourself about what you focus your attention on? Change your story, and you can change your life.

The Self Mastery Course can help you change your story.

What is Your Self Worth ?

What is Your Self Worth?

How do you value your self? Do you sometimes consider your resume or education to get an idea of how an employer would value you and use that standard?  Are there ways your unconscious beliefs might be dictating your value and self worth that you are not aware of?  Are there emotional responses or thoughts of feeling unworthy, less than, or not good enough in some way that bother you?  Perhaps some stories are running around in the background of your belief system with their own labels and numbers.  If some of these exist, consider that these narratives and labels are changeable if you want them to be.  There is no need letting an old story dictate your emotions.

By the time we are adults, much of our self worth has been unconsciously decided.  Starting in childhood we have learned to believe things about our self and our value, , that is held in agreement in our mind through adulthood.  What is important to understand is that even if it has been there for a long time, you can change your self worth.  Once you understand how your self worth is determined your beliefs about yourself, then it is a matter of identifying these beliefs and changing them.  The tricky part is that a lot of these beliefs are hidden in our sub-conscious and may take some investigation. We might at times hear the thoughts or notice the emotions of not measuring up, or comparing our self to others. These thoughts and emotions are at our conscious level of awareness but usually arise from beliefs that are below our conscious awareness.

There can be a lot of emotional attachment to the thoughts we think and how we describe our self. One way we can become aware of these beliefs of self worth, and thereby begin the change process, is by making a list of the way we label our selves.  Take some time to write down the narrative thoughts that go through your head about your self.  On a scale of 1 to 10, how do those thoughts rate you?  What do you imagine other people think of you?  And then consider that those thoughts are coming from your imagination as well. Some are simple to find. A friend who does investments always says, “You are only as good as your last trade.” Another, who was runner, would often say, “You are only as god as your last race.”

Julie, a client, was recently surprised to discover beliefs about her self worth this way.  After becoming pregnant, her and her husband thought it was time to move from an apartment and buy a house.  At the finance office they are told that they would do better with a loan if Julie was not on the mortgage. In spite of a good credit score she did not have much credit history. Julie felt offended, hurt, and angry at being devalued this way.  She also thought it was ridiculous because she considered herself to be very financially responsible.  She only recently left her job as an engineer, but had worked for years making good money. She had always paid cash for things instead of financing them, including her car. To Julie, people like her should be the kind of financially responsible person banks would want to lend to.  However, her attempts to prop herself up with these stories didn’t make the finance person budge, nor did it make her emotions of unworthiness she felt change.

When Julie filled out the loan application, she recalled how weird and unsettling it was to put down “housewife,” a new and uncomfortable label.  I asked her on a 1 to 10 scale how she valued herself based on being a housewife.  “It’s about a 2,” she replied.  We went through several labels and titles that could be used to describe her and she put a number representing a value to each.

Engineer:  8 or 9

Wife:  3 or 4

Breadwinner:  9

Yoga Instructor:  5

Expectant Mother: 6

Daughter:  4

It was revealing to see that she had a different value for herself depending on which label or title she used, and yet all of them applied all the time. Who she is didn’t change and yet her perceived value, and emotion, changed from one moment to the next, depending on which label she identified with in that moment. It seemed that changing her value was as easy as changing the label she identified with.

What was more interesting was that when the loan company implied to her that she had no value, she took on that label as well.  It hurt, and it conflicted with the other higher value stories about herself, but she still adopted it, if only for 24 hours. It was some else’s measurement, but she still felt it heavily hanging around her. How is it that what a credit agency we’ve never met says about our worth can so quickly become the feeling of our worth?  It is because our mind is incredibly flexible. It can dream up any sort of dream about our self, or others, and present it to our imagination as if it were real. The good news is that if our mind is so flexible, then what we believe about our self worth is changeable.

It doesn’t make sense that we would value ourselves the way a credit agency would. Yet without awareness, we might fall for the illusion our powerful imagination can concoct.  The imagination can jump from high to low self worth unless we are aware and manage our mind in these moments. If we agree to it in our imagination we get the emotional punch in the gut.  If we are aware and don’t agree to this proposal in the mind, then we don’t get the emotional punch.

Personally, I don’t want to be valued by a credit agency or an employer.  Can you imagine being at your own funeral, where family and friends are gathered and they talk about how they valued you?  “Here lies Gary.  He lived a good life.  He paid his bills on time and achieved a credit score of 790 and for that we respect and appreciate him.” And then they read from my resume? No thanks. That’s just some stuff I did.  That’s not what I am.  I’ve taken time in my adult years to consciously choose what is important to me in terms of values. They are quite a bit different than the standards of winning and good grades that I unconsciously adopted as a kid. My emphasis these days is on kindness, respect, being happy, and supporting others in being happy. How well I am doing in these intangible categories isn’t as easy to measure as a credit score and varies from day to day. That’s okay because I know over time my work and investments in these practices pay off in my happiness and fulfillment, even if they don’t show up on a resume.

How do you value your self, and do you want to change it?   If the answer is yes, then it is up to you to go and do something about it. No one else can change your self worth because no one else’s opinion of you will have as much impact on you as your own beliefs.

 

this article by Gary van Warmerdam

Posted on his blog at www.PathwayToHappiness.com

 

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